Excerpts from a Stranger

DIARY ENTRY FOUR

Dear diary,

It's Thursday... It's not been long but it is 7pm now, a Thursday night, which I hate. I am sat with my dad home alone watching telly. It's like my moment to get away from all trouble when I sit alone with him but it never seems to end. The days going on and on and on like my music on repeat. It is quite chilly at the moment and I am craving cake as usual but thankfully my brother got me cake earlier today as I was fasting. Yay! Alhamdulillah (praise God) for another day.

So about my day today...
It has just been full on crazy, well actually the past week has and I swear I cannot wait for it to end. This cycle of waking up but taking hours to drag myself out of bed and get ready for college only to hear the same bullshit again. I woke up at 3:50am and laid there wide awake contemplating on life. I'm a person who has suffered with anxiety and depression for few years, man I have gotten so far and I know it sounds vain but I just want someone to be proud of me, the way I am.

So as I was saying, I waited till half 6 to wake my cousin up who is 21, for work and then around 7/7:15 I woke up both my younger brothers and got back into bed. I felt so worn out in the morning, I didn't want to even go in to college but I missed Tuesday so I had to go in you see. I was falling behind already. My mom came to my room at 8 and asked me whether I can take my younger brother - who is only 7 - to school as she takes my younger sister who is 4. I obviously went and when I came home it was only 9am.

I sat and wrote my 'poetsofcolorchallenge' and nothing seemed to be making sense. I felt confused and lost. Just then I got a text from one of my closest friends talking about her and her other friends arguing. I just really couldn't be bothered to listen to something that keeps going on and on so I replied with "lol yh" and I know that sounds so blunt but I was numb myself. My friends have been arguing since yesterday over some boy who didn't even care for them, I swear I tried my hardest to explain to them that they shouldn't break a friendship built over years for a guy who doesn't even plan on staying but who am I for them to take my advice. I am and  always have been a nobody.

Sorry,
disappeared for a few minutes to make my dad who just came home some tea
only to realize that
my mom forgot to put the teabags in
haha.
Okay back to the point.

They never take heed of my words and I just cannot be bothered trying. I already have enough on my mind and a heavy weight on my shoulders, so who am I for them to just throw their burdens on me. I know that sounds horrible but I wished they would understand how much I am hurting. It hurts every morning, to be waking up and getting out of bed no- forcing myself out of bed and trying to take the bus to college, when you have a phobia of buses. I feel so paranoid on buses because there is always people who rob you, follow you or do some other stupid things. This is the reason why I am so antisocial.

So yeah, I went in to college and met my aunt which is my age in the food court and her not knowing I'm fasting started to eat but I didn't tell her till she was finished. Then the mate that argued with the one who messaged me earlier came along and sat near me. The previous night was just full of them both crying and arguing. I asked her to sit near me and I explained to her that its time to focus on herself and she doesn't need any boy to show her the way. She took it in, only for me to find out that she self harmed whilst arguing and me and self-harm don't go too well together. It gets hard for me to control myself when someone talks about cutting or if I see that someone has cut, so I dragged her into the corner with my hands shaking vigorously and screamed at her, "what the fuck have you done??!!?" and all she did was laugh at my face. I had no words to say because the word cutting itself makes me vulnerable. I just said that I am going to class and walked away.

I could feel vibrations going down my whole body and I started feeling very lightheaded as I was also fasting, I managed to get in my class and another 2 hours dragged. It seemed like forever and I forgot to take my glasses into college so I couldn't see anything. I waited for the class to finish but before it had finished I rushed to my teacher and asked her to let me go earlier, as I wasn't feeling too great and her being the sweetest, she let me go. As I got out, it started pouring. The sky turned grey and gloomy, just the way my mood had been all day. I could see the 2 of my friends coming up towards me and one had already gone home as she finished early and the one that was arguing was in work placement. As the both of them were coming towards me I felt my head spinning, there were crowds of people everywhere just about to leave from college. By then it was on 4pm.

We got to the first bus stop, it was so crowded today, like it was unreal! But it was raining so it was expected. It took about 45minutes to get to my town but I waited for a while with my 'self harmed' friend until her mom came to pick her up as I wandered into the rain. I didn't actually go straight home, but thought whilst I can feel something, let me enjoy the moment as it is there.

Okay I may be talking way too much now for a Thursday but hey, that's what happens when you have a rush of adrenaline in you and you can't stop talking. At 6:24pm I broke my fast and my mom being the cutest made me a sandwich, my brother took my food to the table for me. I'm not used to having people do things for me but my love for them is unreal. I've prayed, sat down and my mom has gone to see my cousin who is unwell and I'm sat here feeling numb trying to get all the thoughts out of my head. It is killing me and driving me insane. I'm actually losing it, this numbness has taken over my whole body and I can't seem to stop crying and I don't even know why. This pain is making me mad and I guess my dad was right. People like me don't belong out in the open but to be locked away but hey lets not talk about that now. Maybe another day?

Thank you for sticking around all the time and listening to my countless complaints, for sticking around when everyone else has seemed to let go. They were right, you come here yourself, be here for yourself and go by yourself...

Well till next time.

- Amina

• excerpt written by -  Amina
*instagram @soul.submission*

concept 'Excerpts from a Stranger'
created by Shamim Hussain