the heartbreaker

↠ dearnumber1

dear number 1,

i apologize. i was a dick, i am a dick. but, being completely truthful, i did not know i broke your heart- and you were aware of that. but i do remember how i broke your heart. we talked. we talked, not more than anyone else i have ever talked to and not less, but the actual intellect and meaning to our conversations was something i had never and have never experienced with someone else.

but, it was seventh grade, and i was blowing up. all the girls liked me, and i don't know why. and you, unfortunately, fell into my trap. we were the same in so many surprising ways that it kills me to think how it must of felt for you when we completely gave up conversation and i went off into dating.

emotions suck. they make you fall for people you don't want to and do things you don't want to. when we began talking, i had already perfected the art of ignoring them. soon after we stopped, you became a master as well.

we are alike in so many ways that it scares me, because at first glance, it seems that finding anything remotely similar about the two of us is impossible.

i was a bad influence; you became one. while it was not completely at my hands that you went from good to bad, i have a kicking feeling i am the one who kickstarted your transformation.

when we started talking, you tried the best you could at everything, all teachers loved you.

and now, you became more like me at the surface than anyone could have imagined.

while it seems you are happier, i wonder at what cost. grades, friends, stability.

as of now, i am a dignified heartbreaker.

and it started with you.

and for that, i am very sorry.

considering all the shit you were going through in the first place, throwing me into the mix was not something that should have happened.

but you see, it did happen. you got your heart broken and i began my journey through a trail of broken hearts.

you created this monster i became unknowingly. talking to a girl with actual kindness in her heart and care for others past what it would get for themself while in the midst of narcissistic newly-teenagers messed me up beyond belief.

two different kinds of people overlapped, and one won. but the other still lingered, leaving me feeling lost on the inside.

this is not meant to be me blaming you, but i feel if this letter is just full of me apologizing to you for being a terrible person, it will not serve it's purpose.

you were number 1 on a list that is not over yet.

i guess, in a way, you in turn broke my heart. although it was me who stopped talking, me who quickly went to dating other girls, i did not come out of whatever we had unscathed.

you changed me. i had perfected the stone cold i gave to everyone before you, and you broke through it on our first day.

you hold a spectacular capability to believe in others when they do not deserve it; even-- maybe especially-- when you know, and it does, end up stabbing you in the back.

i held a spectacular capability to ruin that. you gave that to me, and i threw it away.

i feel that everyone has a spectacular capability- whether it is for hope, togetherness, intelligence, or even something like yours- but mine turned out to be ruining the spectacular things others were capable of doing.

i feel that is what made me end up this way.

i don't think i was ever meant to get that happy ending; i don't think we were ever meant to get that happy ending.

people like us, people who actually deserve it? we just don't get it.

life sucks that way; life's unfair that way. those narcissistic newly-teenagers have grown and will eventually grow into people who will live a life of ease. they will get married, have kids, die, all having lived a fulfilling life.

but me, you, others like us? we don't get those.

heartbreakers who were born to do that evil and their first victim who has become to much like him don't get happy endings. they don't get the white picket fence or the ring on their finger or the baby smiling up at them.

they get addictions, alcohol problems, emotional detachments. they live out terrible lives and die prematurely not have living they way they wanted to.

i have come to peace with that, and i believe you have to.

the heartbreaker and the girl who trusts to easily.

it's a mantra you will always see.

but with the two of us, it goes deeper than that. much, much deeper.

we shaped each other into the monsters we are today and that's okay. it's who we are, it's how we'll be. that's the stupid, shitty life we got. we can't change it.

i broke your heart. you broke me. but, what the hell would i be without you?

from,

someone you should have avoided.