Clemency (DNF)

vi

We sat in Ethan's tiny car, our bags in the backseat. My hands were on my lap as I fiddled with them nervously. Would I be able to handle this? I had been eating myself alive over the guilt all throughout the spring vacations. Now, I was headed to her grave with her brother, my ex-best friend, now just-friend.

"I can take you back to your house if you don't want to do this. Seriously. You don't have to."

Why was I doing this? Maybe I wanted to see her grave to really understand the consequences of my actions. Maybe I wanted that load of guilt back, because I was feeling guilty for not feeling guilty. Maybe I knew it was all my fault and no amount of opposing opinions would make me think otherwise. Maybe, maybe, maybe...

Maybe I just wanted to help a friend out.

"No. I want to. I'm sure." I flash him a reassuring smile and start fiddling with the radio just to keep my hands busy.

He nods. I settle back into my seat once a good song comes on. Alex and Sierra's Little Do You Know. I love this song. Sierra's beautiful and emotional voice starts singing. 

"Little do you know

How I'm breaking while you fall asleep

Little do you know 

 I'm still haunted by the memories

Little do you know

I'm trying to pick myself up piece by piece..."

My fingertips slowly start beating along to the rhythm of the music. I glance over at Ethan to see his brows furrowed and his knuckles turning white as a result of gripping the steering wheel so tight. 

"Ethan?" I place a hand on his shoulder. He starts and turns to look at me. Seeing my concerned expression, he shakes his head and turn back to the road. "Ethan. What's wrong? Tell me."

"...I've been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind

I'm ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight..."

He sets his lips into a straight line, contemplating whether to tell me or not. "You can tell me." He nods. Sighing, he swiftly parks the car into a free space. We've arrived. The sky is bright and blue, and you can hear birds chirping in the distance. It was not the right day to go to a cemetery. 

"I'm not sure if I want to do this anymore. I... Mimi... you said it was your fault. But no. It's mine. Don't you see? I was too selfish to be there for her. I..." his voice cracks and his eyes look glassy, filling up with tears.

"Little do you know

I know you're hurting while I'm sound asleep

Little do you know

All my mistakes are slowly drowning me..."

"No. Don't do that Ethan. Don't blame yourself. You know as well as I do that it isn't your fault. How could you have known what she was doing behind closed doors? It is not your fault."

"That's just it! I should have known! I should have been looking out for her!" He punches the steering wheel, making me flinch. His ocean blue eyes spill over with tears. His face is red. I'm starting to get angry now. How could he do that to himself? How could he say it's all his fault when it is clearly not? How can he not see that no one would have been able to stop her?

Except me...

"She was a big girl Ethan. She decided what she wanted. She didn't want to stay in this world. It was her decision. How is that your fault?" I grab his face and turn his face towards me.

"I could've have stopped her!" he shouts and wrenches his face out of my grip. He curses loudly and punches the wheel again, his face clouded with sadness which is hidden under anger. I let him be angry. I know he's not angry at me but himself.

"If you did, she would've tried it again. You can't change someone's mind once they are set on something with all their heart." A sob burst out of him. My heart breaks. I grab his shoulders and gather him into my arms. He is shaking. He puts his head inside the crook of my shoulder. I hug him even tighter.

"...So lay your head on me

Lay your head on me

So lay your head on me

'Cause little do you know

I, I love you 'til the sun dies."

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

A/N: Wowee, that was intense. Soooo? How was it? *wiggles eyebrows*

Throw me a vote or comment if you like. :3

Thank you lovelies for reading and putting up with me. :P <3