12:28 P.M October 18th 2016,
Hey. So we're back together, have been since Sep 19th, but anyways today is my birthday. I asked you if you knew what today is yesterday you said my birthday, but you have yet to say anything about it. I don't know if you remember or not, but it's whatever I guess.
I don't think I like my birthday anyways.
I mean it's weird, I don't feel different or aged at all. I'm in the filler year. And it's gonna be hard today, because she isn't here to let me come over to not celebrate my birthday. She knew how I didn't really ever want anything just to get away from my hectic life. Not that it make much difference now.. I miss her.
And because you're never going to see these I will vent below.
I Hope I start my period soon, I might be pregnant, and last time I was pregnant I had a miscarriage. I can't handle another one. Not when the child is yours again. I could never get an abortion I don't know where keyara thought it was okay to say that at all. I mean hell, I barely could look at her after me and you split the first time. Me and her will probably never talk again. I don't wish to. Especially not now. And apparently big momma backed her up on this lie. That's what breaks my heart. I can see her doing it. And I can see her not. I'm so torn, I don't know what to believe. Who to believe. And on top of that I might be pregnant again?! I just want to kill myself, but until I know for sure I am or not. I will stay alive. Hell maybe even after I find out I'm not I'll stay alive. For the sake of what? Who knows? I mean sure J makes me happy and the tingles are still there and whatever, but it's not the same, Sure I can still relax into him, but I don't get as hyped up and love high when he texts me back, not like I used to, no.
Because when I'm alone, my depression fogs everything, I get so depressed that even when you message me I don't get happy, If anything I get mad, because I sit here wanting you to be my escape like you used to be but you're not.
Did you know we almost never met.
I hung myself and nobody else knows this. I hung myself, I didn't care about how it would hurt anyone else anymore, I cared how If I didn't end it right then and there I would be hurting for a long while to come, and while I was dangling from the ceiling fan (they were right your life really does flash before your eyes) and my life passed in front of me, while there was no air left in my system and I couldn't take any breathes inward, I got scared for just a fraction of a second, that maybe I could be happy, scared that my mom was gonna see her baby girl hanging there when she came come from work that next morning, scared that this wasn't going to prove to my brother that I was done fighting, scared that the children I planned to have would no longer even get a day in my stomach, then I thought of my grandma and how she was my guardian angel, I thought how disappointed she would be, And then I thought " I don't want this" And all of a sudden I was on the floor breathing and crying the ceiling fan in my lap, with the wire sitting in my neck.
And because of that we almost never met.
I'm sorry, it might happen again.
12:49 P.M.
Forever Broken,
Maddison Grace Venoy
