Twenty One Drag Queens

In Sickening and in Health

"Pick your jaw up off the floor. I mean, I know I look good, but damn." The woman's deep voice boomed throughout Josh's living room. The drummer's eyes just about popped out of his head. She couldn't be.....A DUDE? "Are you breathing? You're scaring me, honey."

She was a man. That, or she had smoked heavily for 50 years, but she didn't look a day over 25. This did not compute. He tried to ask her who she was, but all that came out were half formed words and animal-like noises.

"Don't hurt yourself, Joshua. Here." A glass of water appeared in the strange person's right hand with a puff of smoke and she offered it to Josh.

Opting to not get poisoned by this random person, Josh SWATted the glass aside. "What! No! Who are you? How the heck did you get in here? Why do you know my name? Wha-"

The stranger flipped her golden locks, annoyed. "Did you not hear my opening line? I am your fairy drag mother!" She struck a dramatic pose, both arms in the air, bent gracefully at the elbows, and smiled. Her teeth were dazzlingly white. Josh almost thought he could hear a ding as they flashed his way. "Look, kiddo, here's the rundown. Everyone is born with a fairy drag mother whose sole purpose is to teach them the art of performing gender. Now, we can only assist when the pure desire to do drag becomes strong enough to summon us, like yours did just now. Basically, I'm here to help you become the fierce queen you were destined to be, darling." She struck another pose, hands on what must have been padded hips and full, bubblegum-pink lips puckered.

"So you're telling me that you're not a crazy person who broke into my house, just a fairy god mother?"

"Drag." She sniffed. "Fairy drag mother."

"So, you're a drag queen."

"Yeah. Drag mother, but yeah, uh huh."

"And I..." Josh trailed off, unsure of how he wanted that statement to end.

The queen sighed and sat down on the couch. She patted the cushion next to her expectantly. Josh slowly sat, but not before moving a comfortable distance away. "You are a man who's just lost his best friend in the whole world. You've lost your band, your livelihood, and ripped one great big Tyler Joseph sized tear in your heart. But you're alive. Despite that tear in your heart, you're on fire. And I can take you higher than you've ever been."

"How did you know about that?"

"Gurl, please. Are you going to make me keep repeating myself? I understand that this is a lot to take in, but do at least try to keep up." She crossed her legs delicately at the ankles before continuing. "But I know what it's like to lose a dear friend like that." Her eyes became unfocused and she stared off into the distance still perfectly poised.

"Uhhhh... you do?" Josh didn't know where this was going.

"Oh, yes. I was only recently assigned to be your fairy drag mother. Just in time, I see." She let out a thin laugh, but Josh could still see that her mind was elsewhere. "I had a bit of a.. uh.... falling out, shall we say, with my last protege."

Cautiously intrigued, Josh asked, "What happened?"

"Oh, let's chalk it up to... creative differences."

Well that's helpful, Josh thought. He looked at the drag queen before him. Could she be telling the truth? Am I really destined to be a drag queen?

"But anyway," She clapped, startling Josh out of his thoughts. "Let's get started!" She rose from the couch.

"Started?"

"Let's get you into real drag, honey." She winked.

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