Behind Ellie's Smile | ✓

July

"Your life is like a story, write well and edit often.

1. Go to Disneyland

I was diagnosed with Leukemia when I was fourteen years old. My whole world changed from that day forward. For two years, I went through multiple intense treatments. At first, they all worked, I was slowly getting better, getting stronger every day. It gave me hope that maybe I could have a chance to live a normal life again but little did I know that my life was going to get a whole lot shorter. Abruptly, one day, all treatments suddenly stopped working for me. It was a complete medical mystery and even the best doctors couldn't figure it out. Questions and theories were thrown left and right, tests were conducted, but in the end, no answer was ever found. The only option left: a bone marrow transplant, but after countless searches for the perfect match, there was no match deemed fit. There was nothing the doctors could do for me anymore. The only thing left they could do for me was to prescribe me pills to keep my symptoms and pain at bay. They gave me a whole year to live and so far six months have passed. Welcome to my story, this is my last six months of life, bienvenue to my last unforgettable moments.

I remember the day I found out I had cancer so clearly and vividly as if it had just happened yesterday. My dad was holding my crying mom in his embrace while screaming into the phone, sheer panic clearly plastered on his face. "Please help her, I beg of you! She is covered in bruises and has a fever of 101.7 degrees Fahrenheit! Please help her, please sir, PLEASE!" My dad pleaded into the phone. My brother held me in his arms, rocking me back and forth and whispering sweet nothings to comfort me. I looked up at him, "What's wrong with me, Max?" I whispered weakly. Max held me tighter and gave me a sad smile, he sounded lost when he whispered: "I don't know Ellie. I don't know." After that, my memory was blurred. I remember slipping away, gravitating towards the darkness that seemed so welcoming.

My eyes flutter open and I looked around in a panic when I realized that I was not in the familiar space and comfort of my home. My eyes searched frantically for anything that would be familiar to me. My pink bed sheets, my bookcase filled with books, my pictures that lined up my bedroom walls, anything. My eyes landed on my brother, he was sitting on a chair with his head buried in his hands. I relaxed a bit, "Max?" I called out to him. He instantly looked up and made his way over to me, his expression blank for a moment before he cracked. I have never seen my big brother cry like this before, tears rolled endlessly down his face as he sobbed and held me tightly in his arms. My hero, my big brother, the one that always protected me, was falling apart. I ran my hand through his hair, trying my best to calm him down. "You can't leave me, Ellie, you can't. Promise me, Ellie." He held onto me like I was the only thing keeping grounded. I smiled into the embrace, "I promise Max, I will never leave you." That promise felt so small at that time, little did I know that as time and life went on, I made an empty promise.

My parents and the doctor came into the room, looking grief-stricken. With tear-filled eyes, my mom rushed to my side and held my hand tightly, "Oh my baby...my sweet baby." I squeezed her hand, and furrowed my eyebrows in confusion, "What's wrong with me mommy?" The doctor cleared his voice, "Eleanor, my dear, after conducting some extensive tests and with you showing all the symptoms, it looks like you have Acute Myelogenous Leukemia." My mom gasped and in a flash, her arms were tightly around me, I felt a small puddle form on my shirt. My dad joined the embrace and soon after my brother joined in too. I felt the warmth and the love, I felt safe nestled in the middle, my fourteen-year-old brain not fully comprehending the grave situation yet.

That was 2 years ago, I am now sixteen years old with only six months left of life. I have come to accept this reality. My family did everything they could to make sure I was happy and comfortable this past year and a half. I was determined to continue going to school and live every day just like any normal teenager. Of course, I could not be fully normal, I still had weekly doctors appointments just for check-ups on my condition and more medications. Okay, let me be real for a moment, living with death hanging over me makes everything I used to do easily so incredibly difficult. It was like on one hand, I wanted to live life to the fullest and do things that I always aspired to do while on the other hand, simple tasks such as walking or breathing got more challenging as time went by. It was hard for me, psychologically to grasp and accept the fact that I was dying. It was hard to come to term with the reality of my life but nevertheless, I want to experience life to the fullest so that when my time comes, I will leave without any regrets.