Lani's Truths

Lani's Truth #5 (The Truth About Conformity)

Conformity isn't inspiring, nor is it brave.

It's just easy and when things are easy, we take it as a sign that we should be pursing them, that we should be embracing the things in life that come to us openly and without protest. Unfortunately, that is one of the most misguided and deceitful ideals that we could ever talk ourselves into.

You see, conformity is a convenient alternative to rebellion. I don't use the term 'rebellion' in a revolting or insurgent sense. I merely mean this: if every day isn't a battle, you're doing it wrong. If you don't have to question the integrity of people's motivations, you are being naïve. If you think something is okay because it is so heavily populated and experienced, you are not asking yourself the right questions.

And I'm not judging—let me make that clear. 'He who is without sin, may cast the first stone.'

I have nothing to cast, I only want to highlight some of the significant variables of life that so often slip through the cracks of the fantasy worlds that we have built around ourselves.

I know how easy it is to say 'yes,' to think 'yes,' to act on the incentive that 'yes, I want to fit in,' or 'yes, I'll give it a go.' Most of the time, this is driven by the fear of 'No.' 'No, I don't want to be unpopular,' 'no, I don't want to be embarrassed' or 'no, I don't want them to know I'm afraid.'

Conformity encompasses so many factions of life. When you're fourteen and someone hands you a cigarette and everyone else is smoking and you already feel like you're unbearably mature in the body of a new-teen and people are watching you—older people, people that everyone likes...of course you take the cigarette. Of course you smoke it. Of course you smile when everyone whistles and says 'Wow, I didn't think you'd have the balls to do it! Aren't you scared you'll get in trouble?' You appear fearless, you feel grown up, you feel like you fit in.

Because you conformed. That doesn't mean that you enjoyed it. That doesn't mean that you're not afraid of getting in trouble. That doesn't mean that you feel good about yourself. It just means that you were temporarily relieved from being the abstract and unbelievably irrelevant subject of judgement for an hour.

And what about now, three and a half years later? What about that girl that said 'No?' (She's not sitting on the veranda, typing with one hand and holding a cigarette with the other.)

And what about that time when you were sixteen and everyone told you to have 'just one more shot.' They were pushing. They were telling you to 'do it.' The focus was on you and it was fleeting but it was also fleetingly pleasant. Did you want that shot? No, you already felt so sick. Did you have it anyway? Of course you did. Of course, because to say 'no' would be to venture outside of the expectations of everyone else and when you're sixteen and it's midnight and the cute guy in the corner is watching you, being the 'let down' or the 'boring one' is not a viable option.

But what about that guy? He said 'no'...and tomorrow he'll feel fine, while you're spewing your guts out...

And finally you've just turned seventeen and there's this guy that you think is pretty cool and you're trying not to make it obvious that you're staring at him but I mean, he's checking you out, too...right? Well now its three hours later and you've had a few drinks and you're dancing and he's getting really close and you're a little excited and of course, you're loving the attention.

But then...his hands slide a little lower and he pulls you a little closer and he whispers in your ear, "Do you want to go for a walk?"

All of a sudden you're confronted by a decision that you didn't want to have to make. You're not stupid. You understand the implications and connotations and expectations of 'going for a walk.' You know exactly what it means...and you don't really want it. You don't want to compromise your self-respect. You don't want to feel dirty or used. You don't want to be talked into doing something behind the bushes at a party with someone that you don't know very well, or trust very much or feel particularly comfortable with.

One of the girls is across the room, wiggling her eyebrows at you. Your friend just walked past and mouthed to you 'go for it, girl.' A couple of people are whistling.

And you have to make a decision.

You know what everyone expects. You know what he expects. You're seventeen, you're nearly an adult, you're at a party and you've been looking at him all night, you've been leading him on all night so you're expected to not disappoint him and the onlooking crowd. You're expected to do what everyone else does at parties.

You're expected to say 'yes.'

I mean, you're wearing a short dress. You're drinking vodka. You've been flirting the whole night.

You should say 'yes!'

...shouldn't you?

That's what everyone expects.

That is what you're meant to conform to.

Why? Because all of those people watching you, they did the same thing. They said 'yes'. They felt nervous and uncomfortable and they did it anyway and now you have to do the same in order to validate their decisions.

But conformity is not inspiring or brave.

Conformity does not favour you.

You will not be rewarded for doing what everyone else did.

So listen to this and listen closely: you can be whoever you like. You can do whatever you want. Your life should not be eclipsed by the narrower bindings of a decaying society. If you like that dress, rock it. If you want to go to bed at seven on a Friday night, you hit that pillow. If you hate coffee, don't drink it! You are your own master. You have your own voice.

You don't have to fear steering away from the 'norms' suggested by irrelevant people. They will have to look elsewhere for endorsement or use someone else's misfortunes to justify their actions.

Honey, you are not the subject of anyone's aimless experimentation.

If you don't want to say 'yes,'

Say 'no.'