Loneliness can be the most heart-shattering, detrimental form of poverty. Comfort is an alienated term when you're so entirely alone--and it's easy to feel that way. It's easy to feel so completely surrounded by people and so inexplicably alone. There is no comfort for those who dwell merely with themselves, or in themselves, or somewhere in between. It can be difficult to understand, until you find yourself on your own at three AM, thinking about all the things that you shouldn't be thinking about, the things that you can't tell anybody because you have no one to tell. That is when you really begin to understand how important it is to love yourself and to take care of yourself. Who else will?
I know that it isn't always like this, even if it sometimes feels that way. Loneliness can be the by-product of a messy falling out, or losing someone that you love. You can feel smothered and...alone. It is an emotional sense, not a physical state of being. It can be a craving and an addiction. Some people can't be alone, they can't feel safe or loved and that's okay. It's okay to feel bad when you're stuck with yourself and all you wanted was a little help, someone to take care of you just a little bit. It's okay to miss people, you don't need to feel guilty, even when they're people that you know you're better off without. There are, inevitably, people that you will have to miss every day until one day you just stop missing them. There is no set pace of 'moving on'. If it's been a year and you still feel lonely without them, that's alright. So long as you realise that one day you will wake up and think about everything except them. One day you will wake up content, and with a warm and nurtured heart.
It could take a while, but all the best things do. And there is nothing wrong with feeling. There is nothing wrong with spending time wondering why someone left you, or why you're all alone in your eternally large bed, in your significantly empty house. I know you want the answer. You want to know why you feel like this, and why other people don't feel like this, and what you did to deserve long days and even longer nights alone. But contrary to popular belief, there isn't always an answer for everything. Sometimes things just don't work out, or you're stuck in the middle of life somewhere and there is no valid reason as for why you, with your big, full eyes and your even fuller heart, have to suffer the ridges and gaps of loneliness. Things simply aren't always fair.
But remember: There will be a time, in the future--maybe tomorrow, maybe next year or the year after, when you will overflow on all sides of your heart with the warm soul given to you by others. There will be a time when you wake up to a new day, and you are resolved to take your other half to dinner, or your kids to the movies, or your best friend to the beach four hours away. You will find someone that fills you up and gives you a second-wind. You will find someone that fills the holes and bumps left from the people that left you last time.
So if you're lonely, right now, or every night, or on your lunchbreak, or only when you're on business trips, or sometimes when you're lying in bed next to the person that you don't love anymore, remember that you won't always feel like that, you won't always feel like you're missing something. There will come a time when you are so totally fulfilled that other people will look at you and wonder why they can't have what you have. So rest easy and spend some time with yourself. Work out who you are and what you want out of life and when that's all figured out, someone will come along who will help you get to there. Someone will hand you a key and say, 'Hey, here's your future. Be careful with it.'
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Lani's Truths
AcakThis is me trying to fit the billion-sided reality of life into the two-dimensional context of words. This is what the world has taught me.
