Lani's Truths

Lani's Truth #4 (The Truth About Letting Go)

People underestimate the strength it takes to let go. It seems kind of funny, I know. It's ironic, but honestly, holding onto the moments and people and situations that have moulded our identities is one of the most draining exercises that we can perform. As humans, we are permanently ill-equipped to handle the mental strain that is the toxic by-product of losing the things bound so closely to our hearts. Why? How do I explain...?

I think it goes like this: we come to depend on the things that we think are always going to be there and then when they're not, we don't want to let go of that dependency. We don't want to have to find another way to cope. We don't want to admit that the heart strings we grew and nurtured must be severed.

But do you know how hard it is to hold onto something that isn't there anymore? Do you know how hard it is to suck out the marrow of our memories every day until eventually, all that's left is an empty shell and an empty soul and the heartbreaking symphony of our tears falling from our damp chins. Do you know how hard that is? Of course you do...

When the pain of holding on is greater than the pain of letting go, what do you have to lose? Here is your answer: you will lose the memory of his eyes or the promise of a future together, you will lose the shape of her cheeks when she laughs and that silly way that she hides her flushed face when she's embarrassed.

But those are just memories and they're already gone. You've already lost those moments. They're not real anymore.

You have to decide, firmly, what and who you can't live without because unfortunately, some things are only meant to exist in our hearts and not our lives. Holding on is harder on you than anyone else and when you find the courage to let go of what you cannot change, you open yourself up to opportunities that were previously obscured by the tall and dense walls you built around the thing you were holding onto.

I know it's hard, so don't think I'm being insensitive. There's always going to be that voice in the back of your mind saying, 'You could have tried harder' and most of the time you will have to battle with it, you will have to yell at it and cry with it and try you're hardest to persuade it, 'I have to walk away.'

Because remember: you don't drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there.

I know it's easier not to swim.

But you're going to have to try, because everyone has a past but that cannot shape your future unless you live in it.

I've asked myself so many times, "What is wrong with my heart? Why can't my heart heal?"

I've only just realised this: everyday, I scratch at it and grind at it and slice little pieces of it open. I remember the one thing I want most in the world and every day, I slit my heart and use the pieces to sew that thing closer to my soul.

But the needle is blunt.

And every day, that hole in my chest gets a little big bigger and it gets a little bit more tender to touch.

Why do we cling to pain? Is it because it makes us feel alive, or because it makes us feel something?

Maybe one day I'll find out.

But firstly, you need to love yourself enough to let go of the things that are weighing you down. It hurts but I promise you, it will hurt more in three months time, when you're still holding on.

And Secondly, fall in love with someone that lifts you up and holds your hand even when you're being crazy; someone who guides you and speaks softly to you. Fall in love with someone that talks to you even after you've been fighting.

Don't fall in love with the idea of love, because you will break your own heart.

So close your eyes.

Breathe.

And let go.