Vent

Truth

I should know more than anyone about myself. And that's obvious- right? I mean. I'm me!

But, what happens when you search so far into yourself, your actions, your desires, and you only see the disgusting thing you are?

Well. Let me tell you, it's not fun.

Its my first year of high school and the pressure couldn't be higher.

From careers to friendship maintaining I can't honestly handle it all.

My friends are wonderful people and I love them dearly, but I'm so scared of loosing them i feel like it's controlling my life.

I constantly want to make others happy.

And, sadly, that usually means I'm not always left happy.

I constantly hide my true opinions and feelings on subjects because I'm afraid to be judged or told I'm being bossy and telling others what to do.

Sometimes I can't even stop myself soon enough and I have a heated debate on my conflicting opinions with others.

This only leaves regret inside me afterwards.

So, to resolve that, I decided to clam up with certain issues.

Even my closest friends I feel like I'll just be complaining to them on subjects that really are common.

I've been told that and experienced the other half of receiving it.

I don't wanna be that person.

I don't wanna just dump my shit onto others and look for pity.

But... Heh, I am right now.

Saying all this isn't to vent.

That's only half of it.

I want others to feel for me and understand me.

I'm selfish.

But... I can't help it.

I try.

I try so hard to stop it.

But, it's so hard to fight your natural urges.

I feel like such an ass when I want to 'one up' my friends when they draw because I'm that confident of myself- and yet I say I can't draw.

Why?

Easy.

I want people to disagree and say I'm good.

I shouldn't do that.

I shouldn't be the way I am.

I hate myself for it.

And I shouldn't do that either.

But, as I said before, urges are hard to control and habits are hard to break.

I take for granted for what I have.

I'm not constantly grateful for my food options or my choice of entertainment.

I'm not constantly grateful for my friends or family.

And I need to be.

I need to care.

I need to be selfless.

I need to be everything I'm not.

And, that's just a tad bit hard.

I waste my waking days begging for attention anywhere I can.

Social media, for artwork, from my friends.

I just can't get over how selfish I really am.

I look at the things I've done.

Posting animations, drawing depressing drawings, posting pictures on the internet- I'm looking for someone to care.

I'm surprised I haven't given in on myself and thinking I'm less of myself, honestly.

I'm not popular.

I'm not as great as I pretend to think I am.

I'm not a perfect person.

I can never be.

No one likes my things.

A very small amount actually does.

I constantly check for feedback on anything.

It's amazing how much you want something and just can't reach it.

My worst fault, if you couldn't guess, is selfishness.

I knew this even as a kid.

I would always want to do gift exchanges so I could get something and I looked forward to Christmas/ my birthday only for the gifts.

Hanging with family and friends is only half of it.

I just need to open my eyes.

I need to see how selfish I am.

And I'm trying to improve it.

I'm trying to not check my notifications.

I'm trying to not one up others.

I'm trying to look at my family and friends as more of a benefit than gifts.

But I've been failing.

I always want to one up any drawing I see, I always look at objects before family and friends, I always check my notifications.

I won't stop.

Not unless I truly want to.

I know some might say this is natural.

An artist wants their pieces noticed by the public.

It's human nature to look at objects before family and everyone strives for attention.

But my amount is overdose.

I just almost can't stand myself.

I always think about this.

I can't get it out of my head, and it's really bringing me down.

I keep dosing off.

I keep ignoring those I care about.

I'm pushing them away.

And for what? Stress? Ignorance?

I don't know.

I'm surprised at how well I can take this self hate.

I'm too cowardly to cut myself.

I'm too scared to kill myself.

I'm too scared to tell anyone I know about this.

I'm afraid that if they saw this... they'd see what I see inside me... they'd hate me... and I don't think I could stand that.

How can someone like me be alive?

How can someone like me be in this world?

Why am I here?

What's my purpose?

What does anyone see in me?

Why can't I look on the positive side?

Why do I strive for attention?

I don't know.