I Fell For The Girl I couldn't Have

Break

A/N
I'm writing this feeling like shit so if it sucks tell me so I can feel something besides shit.
Indigo's P.O.V
Yesterday was Ocean's death. I was guilty. No matter how many times Jaz told me I wasn't I wouldn't believe her.
I could have protected her. I had before and got the hell beat out of me. I would have done it again but Ocean made me promise I wouldn't get in their way. I never broke promises. And I hated myself for that.
Actually I hated myself for pretty much everything. I was a waste of space and air. I wouldn't have minded if they beat me up everyday.
That's why doctors call me a 'Special Case'. I like pain. No I didn't. I LOVE it.
But then again so do a lot of other mental people. They called me a 'Special Case' because I was.
A month before I turned 13 doctors told me I was crazy. Borderline, bipolar 2, schizoid, schizotypal, paranoid, avoidant, and fear of social interaction. They also said I was the most anxious young person they had met.
They put my on medication which mellowed it out. It didn't work well enough though because I kept cutting and felt crazy all the time. I was less anxious though.
Today I ran out of my anxiety meds. I didn't tell Jaz. I didn't tell anyone. I missed me. I missed the person I was. I hated the person I had become with those meds. I was still me but not me. That doesn't make sense, but this is my head, it has never made sense. I knew it was stupid but did I care? No.
So here I was rubbing my button in between my fingers while tapping my foot repeatedly and Jaz walks in.
I didn't know where my parents were, they weren't around a lot. When they were here my dad spoke to me but my mother didn't. I didn't care though. I know that my brothers and my dad are the only ones that actually care about me. That was fine though. I didn't care about anyone but them.
"Hey Indie!" Jaz says cheerfully.
I give her a weak smile and focused on my button.
I hadn't talked since the day before because honestly I didn't have anything to say.
Jazlyn went on to make herself a sandwich. That almost made me smile. Almost.
She had come a long way since we met. When we met she didn't eat. I didn't either but that didn't matter. Jazlyn was a beautiful and amazing girl that needed to live. The world would be a lot more dull without her. I would used to have to beg her to eat. She would but was never happy with it. She now ate regularly and forced me to eat but I was able to skip a lot of meals.
It's not like I was scared if I ate
to much I would get fat or something. I just didn't like eating. It felt like a chore rather than a luxury.
I rolled my button between my thumb and my index finger staring at it. It was grey and sort of transparent with 4 holes. I had a whole box full of buttons that I just run my hands through. It an anxiety thing. But today I just wanted one so Jaz wouldn't get suspect anything. I wanted to tell her but she would freak out.
It was lunch time but I was still in pajama shorts. I ran my fingers along the hem of them and saw something that almost made me fall out of my chair. My scars.
How could I be so fucking careless?! My parents could have saw them. They came home last night and I was wearing these! They knew I had problems but never knew I cut.
I must have looked petrified because suddenly a hand was on my shoulder. I flinched away so hard that it forced Jazlyn to back away.
"Indigo..Baby i'm here..What's wrong?" She asked, her eyes filled with concern.
I said nothing per usual but ran past her. It hurt my knee like hell but I still ran. Up the stairs and into my room with a slam of my door and the click of a lock.
I realized I hadn't taken my Bipolar medication. I was having an episode and a anxiety attack.
I was to my breaking point. I was already broken but now I knew there was no chance of fixing me.