Negligent ∞ Jikook

넷 ∞ Clandestine

[Clandestine = kept secret or done it privately]

— Jungkook's POV —

49 kg . . .
That's good. Jimin hyung was only 1 kilogram more than me so I should be proud of myself for being a masochist—not.

I glared at my reflection on the bathroom mirror as if it were a never-ending staring competition. I wanted to kill the me underneath. That fact haunted my days and nights. When I realized I hate myself so much, when I realized that I couldn't stand for who I am, and this deep spite had been the motivation behind my behavior for many years, my brain couldn't quite deal with it. It would try very hard to avoid that realization; it would try, in a last-ditch effort to keep my remaining parts alive, to remake the rest of me.

This was, I believe, different from the suicidal wish of those who are in so much pain that death feels like relief, different from the suicide I would later attempt, trying to escape that pain. This was a wish to murder myself; the connotation of kill was too mild. This was a belief that I deserved slow torture, violent death.

My brain was an extinguished fire. Once, it burnt bright and I knew of happiness and light; I could see a future. . .Now my mind was dark, subsisting on the burnt tinder of who I was. In these ashes, there was nothing to even renew a spark. All I could do was huddle at the moment, live from heartbeat to heartbeat.

I felt like the world wasn't really there at all, like it was stolen and replaced with something empty, photoshopped, faked. It made sense in a weird way, the real world gave me feelings of joy. I felt connected to it, part of it. But either it was taken away or I was; every second of every minute of every day all I can do was float in the void.

The feeling was strange; too familiar yet too strange. I never knew how to define it. I wanted to smile, laugh along with my other members but something in me grabbed my heart tight, crushing it to pieces. The brightness inside of me was gulped by something dark. No, I would be wrong to say it was dark—it was empty, nothing else.

My mind was soon pulled back to reality when a couple of knocks occurred from the bathroom door.

"Jungkook? Are you okay in there? You've been inside for almost an hour!" A familiar voice yelled. It wasn't Jimin's as he would usually talk to me in Satoori. It sounded more like a Daegu accent.

"Y. .Yoongi hyung?" I mumbled. I slowly unlocked the door and opened it. It was indeed Yoongi hyung and he looked like he just woke up from a nap.

"Yah, Jimin told me to check on you since you've been stuck there for so long. He's worried about you, you know?" He told me in a harsh yet concern tone.

"Worried? What's the point of worrying about me?! I was the cause of all this shit Jimin had to go through for the past few months so why would he still care about me?!! I DONT DESERVE ANY PITY OR CONCERN, OKAY?! ITS ALWAYS MY GODDAMN FAULT IN WHATEVER I DO SO JUST LEAVE! ME!! ALONE!!!" I snapped at Yoongi hyung without fucking realizing it. Even the tears came back and were now streaming down my cheeks.

Yoongi hyung stiffened and was speechless because of what I just said. He didn't know what to do—heck, we both don't know what to do! We just let the silence consume between us for a couple of minutes until I decided to leave the dorm.

"Yah! Jungkook!"

But I just ignored him because what's the point of talking to him now after what happened?

— • —

— Jimin's POV —

*SLAM*

I nearly choked on my water as soon as I heard the entrance door slammed loudly. What the actual hell? I just fixed that door ever since Namjoon hyung broke it yesterday!

"Yah! Jungkook! Aish. ."

I peered out of the kitchen and saw Yoongi hyung with an expression of frustration plastered on his face.

"Hyung? You okay?" I asked with a nervous tone. I'm usually scared whenever his expression is like that. Yoongi hyung's expression softened when he glanced at me and gave me a heavy sigh.

"It's just Jungkook being stubborn as ever. You know how he is with his attitude these days." He then went into his room and slammed the door hard. I slightly sighed and quickly went to change into my winter clothes and get my coat to find Jungkook—Wait, now that made me even more worried.

Jungkook wasn't wearing any winter clothing . . .especially shoes!

— • —

— Jungkook's POV —

*achoo*

The naked winter trees line the avenue. My breath rose in visible puffs to join the darkened clouded night sky. There was a freezing chill in the air that brought crispness to the leaves, bejewelled with frost, that crunch underfoot. Rosy cheeked, I stomped to keep my feet warm, my reddened ears became redder and used my freezing hands to cover my blue-tinged lips. My teeth kept chattering and the cold continued to seep into my clothes, numbing my body until it ceased to bend properly, stiffened and frigid.

The biting cold chilled my fingers into clumsy numbness, cold seeped into my toes and spread painfully throughout my bare feet on the pristine icy whiteness. My lips turned a more blueish hue and my teeth chattered like a pneumatic drill. I began to loose my sense of time, had I been out here for minutes or hours? The frigid wind poked me like icy fingers and wrapped around me like a shawl woven from the snow itself.

I looked around and realized I was in a park not too far from the dorm, making the chilly air here stronger and colder. My lips trembling, shivering increased and my spine froze quickly as I had not worn a jacket, gloves or scarf. I was just simply wearing a casual outfit except with no shoes. I could already tell that I might not last long due to the weather so I decided to call one of my hyungs but . . I still didn't care. There was only one word that kept going in my life:

Loneliness.

At first, I didn't let it bother me. I still smiled, cooperating with my hyungs even though I caused all sorts of troubles. But the more I let the feeling fester, the more the chill spread throughout my body, joining the flow of my bloodstream, freezing my blood and slowing my heart. I felt the icicles in my lungs, the way they pierced at the walls of the organs whenever I inhaled. I felt the ice crystals making their way up my esophagus, escaping my mouth with each cough and leaving behind a bitter taste on my tongue.

You are doing good
Let your death consume you
Which you will never regret

Please shut up hyung . . .
P. .Please . . .

"JUNGKOOK!!!"