Broken Foundations

Chapter 13~ Scorching words

Bismillah Rahman Raheem
In the name of Almighty Allah, the most beneficent, the most merciful.

~

Opeyemi, my uncle called lowly.

Yes daddy, I replied in the same tone.

How are you? He asked.

I am fine, why do you ask? I asked perplexed.

I know you are fine but are you really fine? he asked.

What do you mean? I tried to seem oblivious.

Don't make me say it, he sighed. How are you after Seun?

Oh, I muttered "I was hoping you weren't talking about that,I am fine I guess" I sighed.

He scoffed, of course you are and your eyes are just glistening right?

Yes, I choked out. I don't want to talk about it because I feel pathetic anytime I do. Its like I keep feeling the same thing and it leads to the same thing.
I don't want to talk about it only because it hurts but because I always feel regret, guilt and pity.
I pity myself, I feel bad about moving on I don't want to forget him because it seems like I am betraying him but at the same time I want to forget this pain, this ache in my chest, I said pointing at my heart.

Don't hold it in, let it out. Nobody will laugh at you for crying.

That's not the point, its been a month I should have moved on but I am still stuck in the same place, crying over the same thing.

I know how you feel, I once felt like that no one likes feeling pain unless you are masochistic.
I also understand that you want to move on but at the same time you don't want to but remember he used to tell you to be happy because only then would he be happy.
No matter what he would have wanted you to be happy just move at your own pace let it go,No one is hurrying you.

Thanks daddy, I stood up to leave.

Remember that I will always be here, whenever you need a friend, a father or an uncle, he grinned widely.

Yeah, I will always remember that but make sure you have the time for me, i grinned back.

Yes my baby, he said seriously. Always, he muttered.

*****

Ope bawo ni?  Mummy Ayo a very nice neighbor and good friend of the family asked.

Mummy mo wa o eshe ma.

Opeyemi, I am worried about you, she sighed.

Mummy ki lo shele?, I beseeched.

You are disappointing me or how do you children of nowadays say it, eh ehn! you are falling my hand.

Your friends make me worried. I know you have gone wayward, you can't lie to me you have never been able to lie to me after Tinu I am your mother and I know when my child has gone off the rails.
Even Muhammad that is seemingly oblivious knows it.
I didn't just notice it but I decided to say something about it before you fall off completely.
Seun is gone and he is not coming back. You know that and it hurts but I am happy.

On hearing that, my head snapped up to meet hers.

He led a good life ,she smiled. I know he did or tried to because he wanted to go to heaven.
And he wanted to see you there, i don't want you to disappoint him.

You couldn't do much for him when he was alive but at least try to fulfil that wish for him and for you to do that you have to stop gallivanting around and try to straighten up your life.

A sudden wave of anger and guilt surged through me.
Why must everything be about him?, I can't live my life the way I Want because of him.
If I want to do something I must think about him. Everyone is always thinking about what he wants and never what I want.
No! It always has to be about Seun, Seun Seun.
Now that he's gone let me have some peace! Let me start thinking about myself, i don't have to stop thinking about him because he's dead! Gone! Buried! And we can't do anything about it so stop trying to make me think I can.
I have thought of every possible way I could have helped and each time I can't seem to think of anything but that I wasn't  there, I couldn't do anything. I am the same helpless girl I was years ago and the same one now.
So leave me alone in peace and let me lead my life for myself because its mine!

Calm down Faith, she didn't seem perturbed with the outburst.
I don't know if Tinu never noticed or chose not to but I have and I can't do anything for you if you don't want to do anything for yourself. But your mother wouldn't want you to make the same mistakes that she made, she wanted you to make it in life, be successful and do the things she never got to do, she patted my shoulder and stood up to leave and no matter what you believe she loved you but didn't know how to show it.

She did those things for you so you could eat and maybe for herself but it doesn't change the fact that she did it for you, sure the means were crooked but at least it was for a good cause.
I don't want to you to think of her as someone bad because she was your mother and would always be but remember her in a good way so that at least she can get the peace that she had always desired.
She loved you and that should count as something, she sighed before walking away.

My mother loved me? Unbelievable because her way of showing it was and couldn't be considered normal.
She didn't even care if  we died, she just killed herself and to the very end I thought she was acting.
This is just so new and complicated, I guess I will never know the truth about everything.
Here I am trying to get over Seun and I am faced with this problem.

But every problem always has it own solution, I tried to comfort myself.

Bawo ni- how are things ?
Kilo shele- what happened?
Mo wa eshe ma - I am fine thank you ma