Sleeping With Insomnia (EDITING)

Chapter Four

Making my way through the hospital, my breathing was uneven and steps rushed. My mind was terrified.

“Where’s Francesca? She should be here?”

The woman at the desk could clearly see how distraught I was and worried. She motioned me to come through a door and I followed her. Through three corridors, we made our way to a room, right down the bottom. 60A.

“Thank you.”

I walked in to find her lying on the hospital bed, oxygen mask on and breathing extremely heavily. 

Then it hit me. Back to when it all happened. She was in exactly the same position as last time, in the same room, in the same hospital. My knees felt like they were breaking. I fell to the floor. The nurse obviously hadn’t left as she came in to comfort me through my bawling eyes. She sat me down on the chair next to Fran’s bed and held my hand. It was nice to know I wasn’t alone I guess, but I felt so alone.

“I remember you from when she was last here. I was the nurse that was looking after her. She’ll be ok. I promise.”

My eyes were to the floor, staring at my shoes. Everything seemed so far away. I’d nearly lost her. Again. She has no recollection of last time, but it was shocking to know she was in a car crash again. My heart felt like it had stopped.

***

I could hear him, his sobs. It hurt. I would have got up if I could. Hugged him and told him everything was ok, but it’s not. Delilah’s gone. I should be gone. He would have had a better life without me. I was the one that killed her. I don’t know why. I don’t know how. I just know. I needed to wake up though. I can’t move my eyes. I can’t feel anything, but I can feel the anger coming again. Those dreams. Those terrifying dreams of death, blood, destruction. This is the first time I’ve managed to stay ‘asleep’ in the last few weeks. I’ve been so tired, but my mind so awake. The thoughts and images are the things that keep my mind alive at night. Never sleeping. Never calming down. Always alive and awake. Scaring me. Death.

“I remember you from when she was last here. I was the nurse that was looking after her. She’ll be ok. I promise.”

Wait. What? The first time? This is my second time here? How? It must have been when I killed her, but the thing was. . .I don’t remember it. I thought they put me on beta blockers. I haven’t talked about what happened for a long time now, but I did kill her. Didn’t I?

***

I hadn't realised but I'd fallen asleep in the chair. A blanket was placed over me. After a while of waking up, I grabbed my phone which was on the bedside table and checked the time. 9:56pm.

"Shit it's late."

I looked over to Fran who was sleeping soundlessly. Her heart monitor beeped repeatedly. Now I had a good look at her. Cuts were covering her arms with bruises purple and green. There was a huge bruise on the front of her forehead aswell as a gash which had been sewn up. Obviously, she had lost alot of blood but the colour was coming back to her. She looked peaceful for once. My hand traced her cheek and smoothed back her blonde hair. The bags under her eyes were a deep purple. It was heartbreaking to see her like this again. She came out of this crash better though. I sat back into my seat and sighed. There was a small knock on the door and I turned around.

"Hello?"

Nurse Jamie peeked her head round the door. She gave me a smile before coming in and standing beside Fran's bed. Jamie began checking over the instruments surrounding her bed. By the look on her face, everything was fine.

"Well I can assure you darling everythings ok. We sorted out all the cuts she unfortunatley obtained in the crash but she's doing fine. Alot better than last time. Hopefully she'll wake up soon. She's extremely tired."

"She hasn't slept in weeks. She was diagnoised with insomnia a while ago. It's alot worse now."

"Oh yes I remember reading it up in her report."

"Yeah, she keeps waking up screaming and crying from nightmares. It's terrible. I reckon she's got an hour of sleep in the past three, maybe four weeks."

"We can give you something for her. Don't worry I'll sort it out."

"Ok thankyou."

My attention was suddenly brought onto Fran. she was stirring.

"Oh gosh. She's waking up."

My heart leapt aswell as myself. I stood beside her head, holding her hand.

"Fran?"

***

"Fucking psychotic bitch!"

My head. My fucking head!

"Shut the fuck up!"

"But look at yourself? Why aren't you dead? In hell? Like you're supposed to be whore?"

"Shut up!"

"NO."

Blood was pouring from the cuts on my wrists. My head was burning. It needs to stop. Please.

"Fucking whore. Stupid fucking whore."

Then, suddenly, I awoke. Screaming.