poems

what happens now?

What happens when the person you thought would always be in your life might not be anymore?

What happens when you imagined spending the rest of your life with them and now you can't?

What happens now?

Not a boyfriend
Not a girlfriend

I could live if I lost that
But that's not who I'm losing
its my best friend.

The best friend I thought I'd graduate with.
The best friend I thought I'd move in with just before college.
The best friend I thought I'd spend everyday talking to and every weekend hanging out with.
The friend I thought I'd make all these stupid choices with and get in all kinds of trouble with.
The best friend I thought would be by my side on my wedding, and I'd be by her side on hers...

But I guess that was all just a dream.
Something you wake up from every morning that never really happens in real life no matter how bad I want it to or how hard you try to make it happen.

I'm glad it lasted this long because I really thought it was over last year. I've had
to come to terms with losing you many times over and over.

It seems there's always something in the way.
I'll admit that last year was my fault and you had every right to hate me...But you forgave me. That's something I'll never forget and always cherish.

But this time it's not all me, it's both of us.
I fear that we won't come out of this together.

What do I do now?

What happens now?

Do I keep fighting to try to win this battle but possibly lose the war later?

Or do I give up and save us both the trouble...But in return leaving the question of what if?
What if I hadn't gaven up and fought to keep our friendship? Would it have worked out?

I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't know what's good for me, or you.

I don't want it to be over but deep down I think we both know it is.

I don't know how to deal with this.
You were always what kept me together.
I swore I'd be the person to glue your heart back together and if I ran out of glue I'd tape it back together and if I ran out of tape then I'd hand stich it back together... But what happens when I'm the one ripping it apart?

Am I?

I can't tell anymore.

I can't tell if I'm helping or making things worse.

I can't tell if you still want this friendship.

I can't tell the future, but I can tell the past, and it was amazing.
All the sleepovers we had, and dances we went to, all our crazy inside jokes, all the memories, all the fights, all the make ups, all the boyfriend's, all the girlfriends, all the drama, the loss of other friends, all the bad choices, and nights we spent talking till 5 a.m., the mistakes we made together, our first party, birthdays, and friendship necklaces... I remember it all and I'll never forget it, no matter what happens.

I hope that fate will bring us back together one day If we must go our separate ways.

But I hope we never have to go separate ways.

Unrealistic I know.