Midnight Memories

f i v e

"I desire the things which will destroy me in the end." - Sylvia Plath

"Please excuse me." I said hurridly to Derrick, Zayn, and Perrie, beginning to push my way through the crowd towards the terrace. Seeing him, after all this time... it was like he wasn't even real. I couldn't believe that he was here, standing in front of me, come alive from my dreams. In that moment, I realized I had missed him a lot more than I had originally thought. Because being here in his presence gave me a completeness I didn't know was possible.

I stepped out into the warm summer air, a soft breeze causing the bottom of my dress to rustle ever so slightly. My heart thumping, I opened my mouth to speak. 

"Louis..." I whispered, the name sounding foreign on my lips. "It certainly is nice to see you again."

He turned around, the stormy aquamarine eyes that had only just begun to grow hazy in my memories baring into my soul. Every inch of his face, the angles of which I had tried desperately to hold onto, were so heart achingly beautiful that for a moment, I couldn't even breathe. It was as if time had stopped.

He looked older, very much so. Gone was his boyish smile, the twinkle in his eye, the windblown sweep of his hair. He was a man now, matured and hardened by fame. A layer of scruff covered the bottom of his face and his hair was longer now, messily pushed back from his face on the top and curling at the ends. I searched desperately in his eyes for a sign of the Louis that I had once loved, but I found nothing in their murky gray depths.

"Stella." He whispered. "It's been quite a while."

"A year, almost." I mumbled, as if I hadn't been counting the days.

"You... you're hair is shorter." Louis said shyly.

"Your's is longer." I allowed myself to give him a small smile.

"Yeah, well." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. "I don't have the time to get it cut these days."

There was an edge in his voice, a sadness that hadn't been there before. Every word he said was like a knife to my heart, he was so cold and detached. How could this be the same boy who's hand had once held mine? It was as if he was someone that I had never met, much less loved with every fiber of my being.

"Congratulations. On all this." I gestured to the apartment behind us, desperate to change the subject.

Louis lit a cigarette, staring out at the city. "It's something, isn't it? I finally got everything I always wanted."

He brought the cigarette to his lips, and in the dim lighting I noticed an ugly, raised scar on his arm. He had gotten more tattoos since the last time I had seen him, his right one in particular so heavily inked that the raised scar tissue was barely noticable. But it was still there. A scar from where Ryder Hartley had put a bullet in him for saving my life. I could feel tears welling in my eyes, and I willed them with everything I had to go away.

"Look." I began cautiously. "I never got to thank you, for that night. You saved my life." In more ways than one.

"You don't have to thank me. I never expected that of you." Louis shook his head. "I never expected that." He repeated.

No, he hadn't expected me to thank him for saving my life. But he had expected me to love him. He had expected that by giving me his heart, I would have returned the favor. But I had let him down, and now there weren't just scars on his skin, there were scars on his heart.

"Perhaps," I said, so softly I wasn't even sure he could hear. "You expected too much of me."

"It's impossible to expect too much from someone who expects nothing of themselves."

His words caught me by surprise, but he was right. There were so many things I wanted to say, yet I could not seem to find the words to form a reply. Louis deserved so much more than words, but what else could I give him? My actions had let him down more than anything else.

"How sad it is," I said to his back. "How getting everything you wanted means so much less than you thought it would."

"That's the difference between having what you want and having what you need." Louis stubbed out his cigarette, turning to face me. "I needed you."

"I need still need you." Tears finally began to slip down my face.

"You're nothing but a midnight memory, Stella. From afar, you look like the brightest star in the entire sky. But up close, you're just the same as all the millions of other ones that surround you, and by morning, you've dimmed with the rest of them, left to be forgotten. I've forgotten how to need you."

A pain I would've never thought that I would be able to tolerate ripped through my body, and it took everything in me to stay standing on two feet. What had I done? Louis was more broken then I had imagined, and it was all my fault. He had given me all the good that he had had left in himself, leaving him with nothing but the despair that he had spent so many years hiding away. It was the difference I saw now in his eyes, all the light had been drained. There was nothing but darkness left inside.

"What are you even doing here? I thought your new purpose in life was to pretend I don't even exist." He said venomously, his eyes growing darker.

"What are you talking about?" I asked. "I was giving you the space that you said you wanted." 

He laughed. "Space? You were giving me space? After I risked my life to save you? After I wrote you that letter? I didn't want space, Stella, I wanted to start all over again. A new beginning. Every week I would look out into that audience, trying to find the one person I wanted to share it all with, and you were never there. I would ask Niall, "Where's Stella?" and not one single time could he ever give me a good excuse on your behalf."

I blinked rapidly, trying to process this information. "You never called, you never texted, you never gave me any sign that you were ready to begin again." 

"You cheated on me, and i'm the one who was supposed to make the effort? Well, newsflash Senator's Daughter, it doesn't work that way. All you did was prove to me, once again, that you care about nobody but yourself. I almost gave my life for you, and all you gave me was a massive scar on my arm and a black hole where my heart's supposed to be." He angrily lit another cigarette, his hands shaky. Just how dependent on them had he become in the last few months? If he needed nicotine this badly just to calm himself down, I didn't even want to begin to think about what else he was doing.

"How was I supposed to make an effort when Elounor is being shipped like it's the fucking Titanic or something? You said it, not me Louis. You've forgotten how to need me. The second you boarded that plane to LA, you forgot about me. I never, for one second forgot you. I have spent every waking second of every day of the last year holding onto every single memory of you I had, because that was all that was keeping me from breaking."

Louis didn't reply. He just sucked on his cancer stick as if his life depended on it, running a hand through his unruly mop of hair. I heard the glass door slide open and someone step aside, but I didn't turn around to look who it was.

"Stella, i've been looking all over for you." Derrick. Upon seeing Louis, I had almost forgotten about him.

I've forgotten how to need you.

I pushed Louis' heartless words from my mind as he turned to face us, plastering on the mega watt smile that graced magazine covers and charmed television interviewers world wide. It was all an act, I saw now. I should've seen it before.

"Ah, you must be the Louis i've heard so much about! Derrick Vanderbilt." Derrick stuck out a hand for Louis to shake, which he did vigorously.

"The broadway star? Well, it's an honor to meet you, i've seen your work."

It was unbelievable to me how quickly Louis had flipped the switch. It as if our previous conversation hadn't even happened.

"So." Derrick said smoothly. "I take it your an old friend of Stella's?"

Louis' facade flickered ever so slightly. "Along those lines. Yourself?"

"The lucky man who gets to be her escort for the evening." Derrick smirked.

"Ahh." A dark look crossed Louis face. "A lucky man indeed." 

"Yes well." Derrick looked at me shyly, apparently not noticing the mounting tension. "I just wanted to ask Stella if she needed a drink or something to eat." 

"Actually, I think i'll come inside and get something myself. Louis, it was nice seeing you." At this point, I was just trying to contain myself until I could get out of here. I didn't even want to think how this was going to affect me when I was alone. I wasn't sure what I had expected coming here, but it certainly hadn't been what had just happened.

"Let's get out of here." Derrick said soothingly. "Don't think about it." 

Tears brimming in my eyes, I held onto Derrick tightly, willing myself to stay strong and not look back. But of course, I couldn't help myself. Just as Louis smoked cigarette after cigarette even though he knew it was terrible for him, I wanted Louis even though I knew he was destroying me inside. I briefly peeked over my shoulder, my heart dropping when I did so.

Louis was staring at me with his now lifeless eyes, lighting yet another cigarette. There was no emotion on his face, no nothing at all. It was as if he was an empty shell, a ghost, a shadow.

As if the Louis I loved was dead and gone.