Midnight Memories

n i n e

"You're neither friend nor foe, though I can't seem to let you go." - Sara Barailles

Almost as suddenly, as he had put his lips on mine, he pulled away, raking a hand through his hair.

"I'm sorry. That was wrong, I don't know what came over me." He mumbled.

"No!" I quickly protested. "That's exactly what I wanted to happen!"

Louis walked over to the fully stocked bar by the kitchen, yanking the top off a bottle of Jack Daniels and pouring some of the ugly brown liquid into a glass tumbler. "That's the problem. You shouldn't want that to happen. Because you and me never will, not again."

I wouldn't let his words get to me. I know he didn't mean them, he simply couldn't.

"Louis, I-" I began, but he cut me off.

"I want you to tell that little boyfriend of yours to inform Tripp and Ryder Hartley that they can come for me whenever they're ready. I could care less if I live or die, it's all meaningless anyway." He frowned, refilling his already empty glass. "In the end it doesn't matter who you were when you lived, we're all going to be six feet under eventually."

I couldn't stand there and listen to this any longer. Couldn't stand here and watch while Louis destroyed himself simply because he thought he had nothing to live for.

I stormed over and knocked the glass out of his hand, not even flinching when it fell to the floor and shattered into pieces. He stared at me with a mix of shock and fury.

"What the fuck is your problem?" He fumed.

"What? You're the only one who's allowed to destroy things?"

He glared, but didn't say anything.

"How can you stand here and say to me you don't care if you live or die?" I continued. "What about the boys, huh? What about your mom, and your little sisters? Your fans, who adore you?"

"None of them matter." He shook his head.

I was infuriated. "What the fuck do you mean they don't matter? They care about you!"

Louis slammed his fist against the counter, causing the bottle of whiskey to crash to the ground as well. "You didn't care about me, okay?" He yelled. "There, i've admitted it, are you happy? I never wanted anyone to care more than I wanted you to care, and you didn't! You fucked me over, time after time, and i'm still in love with you. Can't you see? You're ruining me!"

I just stared, tears streaming down my face. "I, i'm sorry." I stammered.

"Stop saying you're fucking sorry! That word means nothing to me! Nothing but you means anything to me." He raised a hand up to his eyes, and I knew that he too was crying. The heartbreak was so intense that I sank down, right onto the whiskey soaked floor. I was literally on my knees pleading with him.

"Why can't you forgive me?" I sobbed. "I'll do anything. Please just let me love you again."

Louis sat down on the floor too, so that he was directly in front of me, head in hands. "I can't give you what you need, Stella. You need someone like Niall, or Derrick. Someone like you. I already gave you my heart, and you threw it away. It's gone. I don't know how to love properly anymore."

I crawled over to him, kneeling so that I could wrap my arms around his rigid frame. He didn't reciprocate my embrace, but I didn't care. I just wanted to hold him. Give him my love so that maybe, just maybe he could remember.

"I know you've given up on me." I whispered. "But I know, I know, that you aren't broken. Scars aren't signs of weakness, they're signs of a hero. My hero." I held his face in my hands, wiping away his tears.

"That Louis? The one you say is lost?" I asked, pressing my forehead against his. "He's right here, in my heart. When you're ready to find him, you let me know."

"I'm no hero, baby. Not even close. Remember what I told you when we first met? I warned you not to fall in love with me." He extracted himself from my grip and stood up, ignoring the mess on the floor and walking back over to the bar, yanking the top off a bottle of tequila and taking a swig. "Maybe tonight i'll call you after my blood turns into alcohol."

Reasoning with Louis while he was drunk and angry was pointless. I stood up, my jeans soaked through with liquor, and wiped my eyes. "When you're ready Louis, i'll be there. Whether you want to believe it or not, I love you."

"Yeah, well, to use your favorite word, i'm sorry about that. Because your love for me is like a tattoo. Painful, pointless, and skin deep." He took another swig of tequila.

I just stared at him, unable to fathom that this alcoholic drug addled asshole was Louis Tomlinson. "Who are you?" I blurted.

Louis set the bottle back on the counter top, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand before speaking. "I'm whoever you want me to be. Famous pop star, drug addicted low life, friend, foe, you choose. But one thing I will never be no matter how badly you want me too is the Louis Tomlinson that you once knew."

"Well." I whispered, looking down at the wet, shattered glass covered ground. "If that's how you feel, then i'll leave you alone. But when you're waking up in ten years to nothing but an empty room and a hang over, I hope you still think you made the right decision."

There were so many things I wanted to say, but without another word, I turned around and walked out of the apartment, knowing that he wouldn't stop me. Louis had made his point very clear, he wanted nothing more to do with me or with anybody else.

Trying my hardest to keep myself together until I at least reached the elevator, I pulled out my phone and dialed Niall's number. I needed to hear his voice, needed to talk to someone who was on my side. It rang and rang and rang, until finally he picked up.

"Hey Stel! What's up?" He said cheerfully, and I couldn't take it anymore. I burst into tears once again.

"He hates me Niall." I blubbered, sinking to the floor of the elevator. "Absolutely hates me."

"Stella, what are you talking about? Who hates you?" Niall sounded worried.

"Louis. I came over to talk to him about some stuff, and well, I told him I loved him and he completely blew me off."

"Ooh, Stel." Niall said sympathetically. "I could have told you not to go over there. Louis, he's fucked up. Very much so."

"Why aren't any of you trying to help him?" I asked, shocked. "Are you telling me you all knew about the drinking and the drugs and you aren't doing anything to stop it?"

"Of course we've tried!" He defensively countered. "He's our best friend! But Stella, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. Louis doesn't want our help. I hate to say it, but as long as he keeps showing up to gigs, interviews, photo shoots, whatever on time, management doesn't give a fuck about it either. We aren't just singers Stel, we're actors. As long as we can fool everyone else into thinking that everything is okay, then it is."

Niall's words hit me hard. I had been foolish to assume that I could help Louis, when I was the one who had made him this way in the first place. He was right, I was selfish, and ignorant, and I should never have expected my actions to not have consequences. After what had happened between Niall and I out freshman year of high school, I had been alive without ever really living for three years. What I had done to Louis was just as bad, if not worse. I deserved his animosity, that's all there was to it.

As I walked back out into the rainy afternoon, I was so deep in thought and self pity that I barely noticed the tall, handsome, impeccably dressed man in dark Armani sunglasses standing right in front of the door. In fact, if I hadn't bumped into him, I probably would have bypassed him all together.

"Excuse me, i'm sorry." I said, embarrassed.

"Oh, there's honestly no need to be." He took off his glasses, hooking then into the V of his garnet colored Lacoste sweater. "I've been hoping to run into you for quite some time, and I had a, dare I say it, gut feeling i'd find you here. Still chasing him after all this time?"

I let out an involuntary gasp, my throat constricting and my body seizing up. "Oh my God." Was all I could manage to say.

"Oh yes angel, i'm back," He smiled, making my blood running cold. "And we certainly have a lot of catching up to do."