Midnight Memories

t h r e e

"No one compares to you, but there's no you, except in my dreams tonight." - Lana Del Rey

"Where are we going?" I asked Derrick, practically having to run to keep up with him.

"It's not too far now. I thought you may want to go over to the pier, it always helps me clear my mind to be by the water." He said, nodding his head across the road. The Hudson River had just come into view, the city lights reflected on it's murky black surface. I followed Derrick across the road, him finally slowing down once we started walking along the river.

"I know the Hudson's no South Beach. But it's the closest thing we have." Derrick smiled at me softly.

"No, no, I love it. I mean, living here, it's always been my dream." I replied.

"So you're not running from anything then, if you've always wanted to live here. That must mean this has something to do with a boy. Let me guess, the blonde one who stood up to come after you?" Derrick inquired.

"Well, it has to do with Niall, but he's not the one that i'm so upset about. There was this boy. Louis." I told him, even though the sound of my voice saying his name out loud caused me physical pain. 

"What did he do to you to make you so upset?" Derrick asked, and I felt the sharp sting of shame.

"Louis, he made a lot of mistakes. But it was me that made the worst one of all. I wasn't ready to give him the love he deserved, and it ruined us. I convinced myself that something was going to go wrong, something was going to take him away from me for good, and I just gave up. Gave up before I even began trying." I whispered.

"But surely, if he loved you, he'd forgive you?" Derrick asked, looking confused.

I shook my head. "We're both... kind of messed up. Really messed up." So messed up, my parents had tried everything they could to force me into therapy after I had almost been killed by Ryder. But I had refused to go, refused to admit to myself that there was anything wrong. So i'd cut off most of my hair, bought a closet full of new clothes, finally mailed off my application to Parsons, and pretended that I didn't have such terrible nightmares that I would wake up in tears, screaming Louis' name. Sometimes they had been so bad that I would throw up, but I never told my parents. I never told a soul.

"Asher told me about what happened." Derrick said carefully. "I'm so sorry, no one should ever have to go through that." 

"It's fine. I mean, i'm fine most of the time." I mumbled. "I just miss him so much." 

There it was. I had finally admitted that I missed Louis, missed him so much that it was almost as if I had lost all of myself too when he had told me goodbye. Why I was telling this to Derrick, who I had only just met, I wasn't sure. Probably because he didn't know the situation, and therefore he couldn't judge me. Couldn't make me feel any worse than I already did.

"Have you seen him? Or spoken to him?" Derrick asked, and I shook my head. 

"Not in a year, almost. I can barely remember the sound of his voice." That was true, so true in fact that when I realized it was happening I had put the boy's album on my iPod and would listen to Louis' solos over and over, trying my hardest to remember.

"The longer you two spend apart the harder it's going to be to rediscover what you had. You need to speak to him." 

I gazed out at the river, wondering what secrets hid in it's inky depths. Wondering what it would say if it could speak. But on second thought, perhaps it is best that most things that happen in the darkness never come to light. "I'm scared. Louis isn't the same person that he used to be, I can only guess from what i've experienced. The way everyone talks about him, when they think i'm not listening, it's like he's dead, or a ghost. Like he's gone for good."