fangirlproblems & calumnotcolumn

Mulan's grandmother aka me

Bold is Calumnotcolumn
Normal is fangirlproblems
Read authors note at the end for a rant/sharing my confused thoughts that is worthy of being included in the chapter itself but I wrote it as an author note and I'm too lazy to move it to be in the chapter so uhh, if you'd like more of me ranting I dunno you can read that at the end.

Calumnotcolumn messaged you
I just realised now that I still don't know your name
WELL LOOK WHO DECIDED TO SHOW UP
HELLO
HELLO TO U
Hi?
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
BEDS EMPTY
NO NOTE
CAR GONE
Hahahahhahaha
YOU COULDVE DIED
YOU COULDVE BEEN SEEN
I'm sorry mrs Weasley.
SORRY doesn't fix anything
I was away remember?
They didn't have service there
...
Annie says hello
Hello
Goodbye.
Lol
So how've u bean
Oh you know the usual
Nothing exciting
What about u?
We stayed by the beach so it was nice.
Collecting shells and building sandcastles
I managed to bury most of annie in the sand before getting caught.
U monster
In my defence she was all for it
Giggling and everything
She managed to bury my knees.
How cute.
Eh.
It was fun.
The car ride was a pain though. And I feel like I still smell like the ocean
Lol
So...
There's something I wanted to tell u
?
My hair's blue.
WHAT
HAS IT ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THAT?
U've never told me
I'm feeling slightly betrayed that you didn't tell me!
I want blue hair
Actually I want purple, but blue is close enough
Nah I didn't dye it.
Not really
Me and annie were making blue chocolate chip cookies
As much as I love blue chocolate chip cookies how does that have anything to do with the fact that ur hair is Blue????
It was the food colouring
Of course.
I should've known.
Annie has blue hair too
WHY CANT I HAVE BLUE HAIR.
U KNOW WHAT.
IM GONNA GO AND GRAB THE FOOD COLOURING AND JUST POUR IT ON MY HEAD.
U KNOW ONCE I ACTUALLY READ A BOOK WHERE THESE TWO GIRLS dyed their grandmothers hair blue with food colouring?
What? Hahaha
I'm not joking I promise I have.
The mother got really mad and they managed to take her to the hairdressers without her knowing.
By avoiding mirrors and taping blue cellophane (is that how u spell it?) U know the plasticish coloured sheets? To the grandmothers glasses
They dyed the grandmothers hair brown in the end.
And the gramma didn't like it much and she said she should've died her hair blue
What they should've left it then
Meh
So tell me
Do u look good with blue hair?
Does it suit u?
I guess.
My hair's not completely blue...
Just some parts
Random patches and stripes
I think I'd look good with blue hair.
You'd probably look better with it then me
I'd appreciate it more definitely.
How do you know I'm not appreciating it right now?
I could be staring at my hair in the mirror
Are you though?
No
Exactly
Now see if I had blue hair I'd probably look at it all the time WITHOUT a mirror
Wanna know how I do it?
How
Long hair
=_=
How did I not think of that
Ha
To be fair, I am a boy.
So I can't have long hair
Why not?
Because im a boy
Also long hair would probably just get in the way of everything
HA UR RIGHT ABOUT THAT ONE.
ITS ANNOYING
I don't know how they manage it
If I leave my hair down for more than an hour I'd  be acting like I'm dying of heat in the desert or something.
Lol
No seriously
I'll start sweating and everything
So I'm guessing you tie it up all the time?
Yep
All like ALL the time?
Yep
Even when ur sleeping
Yep
Weird
Haha
So what Are u doing
Well Column my good friend
***CALUM
You are actually an extremely lucky person because you have caught me in a  time where one my hair is down and two I'm attempting to brush it for the first time in months, maybe. I dunno I don't keep track
That's kinda gross
What I still wash it
I just don't brush it
It gets annoying
My hair is always tangled and once you go a few hours without brushing it, it gets tangled so then I leave it and it gets even more tangled and so it repeats and walllaa I don't brush my hair. It's also always kept up so no need.
Do u brush ur hair?
I do actually
everyday.
Yeah but guys have practically no hair to brush.
Mean.
Ughhhhhh my hairs tangleddddddd
I should've been repunzel
You'd make a very unique repunzel
My hair is 3639329 times as tangled as hers is
Her hair wasn't even tangled once in the movie really
I guess it's a metaphor BUT STILL
Yeah I should've been repunzel
What about u? U can be maximus
What no
I'm Flynn he's cool
Lol no
Well maybe I dunno how obsessed with money are u?
Umm not really
Are u a thief
Nope
Narcissist?
People can't get ur nose right?
How's ur frying pan skills?
Nope nope and if we're talking cooking then okay? Good I think.
Do you have anything in common with him then?
Uhhhhh
Then no
U can't be Flynn rider
But u know what u can be?
What
Pascal!
The frog?
Chameleon
But u said u could be maximus!
I changed my mind
Pascals cute though
I'm kinda scared of him
Annie has a stuffed toy of him
The toy has GIGANTIC eyes.and they're creepy.  
Ur scared of pascal?
Aww u poor thing
Just lemme be maximus
I'm more like maximus
Yeah no.
Ur pascal.
My trusty sidekick
AND U HAVE SUPERPOWERS
I DONT WANNA BE A SIDEKICK
YEAH WELL MAXIMUS IS A SIDEKICK TOO
NO HES NOT
UR IN DENIAL
Can I just be someone else.
Like who?
...
U know what u can be that old guy.
The short one
I'm not old enough to be him
U could be
I could be couldn't I?
Hmmm
Don't try to be mysterious, it doesn't look good on you
Hmmm
No seriously
Hey did you know they're gonna make a live version of mulan?
OMG YES
Yes I was well aware of that fact
I auditioned for a part you know
Lol really?
They just announced it. I think. I'm reading the article thingy online right now.
They haven't even found a director yet
Have they? I'm not sure it's been a while.
So???
How did u know anyways?
Online you know the usual...
Quite exciting.
They're searching for a Chinese actress right now. It's gonna be SO Cool
I thought of auditioning for mulan but then you know what?
I AUDITIONED FOR THE GRANDMA INSTEAD
I can definitely see you as the grandma.
I'd make an awesome grandma.
Definitely
I hope have singing and stuff in it too.
Cause live Cinderella didn't have any singing.
I hope beauty and the beast has singing. I can't wait for that movie to come out.
I love the songs.disney songs are the best
Sweet and innocent huh?
Exactly.
My friend says that them making mulan into a live action film is gonna make a lot of money.
A lot a lot
Don't movies always make a lot of money?
Yeah. But this one will ESPECIALLY make a lot of money.
Care to elaborate?
Cause Asians.
What?
Not being offensive or racist or anything but this one will definitely make a lot of money
Because it's Asian.
A LOT more people in Asia will go see it because Disney Asian princess
Plus the usual with all the other countries around the world.
And the fact that mulan is Chinese and there's a lot of Chinese
And that its on a real life Chinese hero/Chinese history
Plus other Asians that shall go see it/buy it
Yeah I get what you mean.
But it's cool
I'm actually pretty excited.
This is based of real history like you said
And since it's history and set a long long time ago we know that they're will not likely be any Americans. Or british or people from other countries. Probably not even Americans cause Americans wasn't even discovered by British yet. Was it? I don't know I'm not good with history.
Same. History's okay for me. But it's still boring kinda.
Which I'm actually kinda happy about
Cause there's a lot of American/British and every other advanced/English speaking country movies that we watch
And African Americans are appearing in them a lot more now too so that's great
And then there's African American movies that I find sometimes a whole lot funnier/more action than just plain American/other with just fair skinned people. I dunno if it's the script or the acting
So now I am happy that mulan will HAVE TO BE, THEY HAVE TO HAVE all Asians. I swear if there's a random pale skin general/soldier/even a random extra out of nowhere I'm gonna complain and complain and report and probably march up to whoever made it and demand a remake immediately because that's just not right. 
If that happens you better wait for me to get their with you and  well demand/threaten together.trust me
Hufflepuff and slytherin/ravenclaw together we'll be invincible.
Aww look at you embracing your slytheriness.
Yeah well if we actually do this the slytherin side is definitely gonna help us get what we want.
Hahahaahahaha
Yep. We'd definitely be unstoppable.
So it's a plan then? If the movie comes out and there's a random white guy even in the background, I'm gonna fly to wherever/whoever made/owns/whatever and we'll demand a remake.
I actually kinda want them to include a pale guy now. I'd get to meet you and watch you argue in person.
Well let's hope they slip up then. It'll be a bonus. Plus they'll have to remake the whole movie again.
So it's a deal then?
Yep
I'll be watching the screen very closely.
Hahaa, just don't get too carried away.

•

A/N
My iPad just restarted and now I have to rewrite all this again.
Anyways, nothing in this chapter is meant as racist or anything, not to Africans or Americans or fair skinned people or Asians. That's just sounds weird, everyone is by their continent and then there's fair skinned.
On that note though, I actually have no idea how to refer to "fair skinned people" Europeans yes I know, but I don't think I've ever actually heard anyone call someone a European. Individual European countries yes but not European. Which is kinda weird and I feel stupid but really.
Maybe thats because "Asians" can be used in a racist way and "Africans" is the more nicer way but European? Maybe it's just because there's never been racism towards Europeans and they've never really been referred to as a whole group together. Just by their country, or their name. Which is kinda nice.
Also though I feel weird saying European because no one else really says it, there's Americans and
What I'd they're British???
I dunno but there's this thing about Britain not being part of Europe? Someone PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME I do not understand.
Is Britain a continent  on its own then? But can it be because it's a country by itself??? But is it really?? Because it's made up of England and Scotland and Ireland and Wales? (Did I miss one? Or is one on its own I don't know I'm sorry. ) another thing I never understood.
So England and Scotland and Ireland and Wales make up Britain?? And Britain is one country? BUT I DONT UNDERSTAND THE BRITAIN AND SCOTLAND AND IRELAND AND WALES. Why do people?? I mean they have they're own language? Are they like states then? But aren't they countries?
See my mind is going crazy.

On another note, I am aware that these conversations between Calum and Effie are kinda one sided. I'm sorry.
p.s TEEN WOLF IS AIRING SOON. ON THE FIFTEENTH!!!
AND FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM IS COMING OUT THIS MONTH TOOOOOOOOO IM NOT SURE WHAT DAY.
I really wanna go watch it but I probably won't be allowed. 

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