[UN] LOST {Bucky Barnes}

10. Bitter, broken, me.

About 3 weeks have passed since me and the Winter Soldier went on the run. Ever since our encounter with that SHIELD agent we've noticed more and more SHIELD agents hanging about around Central City, watching us. From what I know about shield I wouldn't be surprised if that agent some how microchipped me and are tracking my every move.
A lot has changed in this small amount of time that's felt like an eternity. For starters, memories are flooding back to me so fast and vividly, it physically hurt, they feel like migraines that grow more and more intense the longer the memory lasts. And because our memories are coming back of our old lives, so are the ones from Hydra, the ones that were wiped. But these memories from hydra didn't come back like the ones from my old life they'd always come back to me in dreams. The dreams are so vivid and realistic when I'd wake up I'd think I was still under hydras control, I'd panic, not being able to remember where I was and I'd attack Bucky, which has lead to a few fights between him and I.
Oh and them feelings I've been getting around Bucky like the tingly feeling I get when we touch, how I'm a mumbling stuttering mess around him, how every little thing he does causes my stomach to do flips and the hot and flustered feelings I get when I'm around him? They are 10 times worse now. I've googled it, and I'm either having a stroke, I'm pregnant or the obvious one, in love. Also side note, don't google your symptoms your either pregnant or dying.
I am inevitably In love with the Winter Soldier.

"Bucky!" I shriek shaking his sleeping body awake.
His eyes shoot open and a loud gasp leaves his lips. His eyes scan his surroundings for a second before landing on me.
"You were having a nightmare, was it a Hydra memo--" I was cut off my Buckys cold metal arm connecting harshly with my jaw which sent me tumbling backwards off of our bed.
That answers my question.
"Bucky! It's me--" I yell standing up from the wooden floor to only be tackled back to the ground again.
"Okay I wanted to play nice but I guess not" I roll my eyes kicking my legs into Buckys gut before jumping to my feet and kicking him in the chest which sent him stumbling back into a wall.
"This is not Hydra, you're safe" I try and reassure him but he goes to throw a punch at me but I block it by grabbing his hand. He uses this to his advantage to push me back and slam me into the wooden coffee table. I hear the wood creek under my weight as I groan in pain, feeling the glass fruit bowl under my back shatter, shards of glass cutting into my back.
"Bucky please" I gasp as he pulls me off of the table and slams me into a wall. He wraps his metal arm tightly around my neck.
"Bu-cky" I choke out grabbing his wrist and trying to pry his hands off me. The lack of oxygen to my lungs was starting to effect me as my lungs burned and my vision blurred.
Buckys eyes were clouded over and his face was emotionless, He looked exactly like the stone cold killer I knew back in hydra, this isn't Bucky, this is the Winter Soldier.
"BUCKY" I yell reaching out and grabbing his human hand. Immediately his face dropped from the stern look on his face and his eyes cleared but became watery as he immediately let me go. I slip down the wall to Buckys feet, breathing and gasping frantically. Cold oxygen flooded into my lungs and felt like a gift from God himself.

"Alex-- I didn't realise what I was doing I'm sorry" Bucky gasps pulling me off the floor of our trashed hotel room.
"It's okay Bucky I understand" I groan holding a hand to my back. That's going to leave a bruise.
"Let's just tidy up this spot before house keeping wonders what the hell happened" I sigh picking up the newspaper and books and putting them back onto the coffee table.
"No it's not I hurt you again, how can you trust me when I keep doing this too you?" Bucky goes on but I just continue tidying up.
"Please Listen Alex" this time his voice sounded broken and raspy. He suddenly grabs my wrist and spins me around so I'm facing him, he had this distraught look on his face like he was watching the end of the world happen right in front of him.
"I know I've hurt you a lot and I've never meant to do any of it, The me you knew from Hydra , is not me. I've changed so much, I've let my walls down because of you, you've changed me and this is how I repay you?" He says emotionally, sounding like he was talking more to himself then me.
"Bucky stop it I've done it to you as well we can't help it we just need to hope we can learn to deal with these memories and learn to control them instead of lashing out" I smile sweetly at him.
"Why are you so calm about this? You where inches away from death because of me and yet you're still so understanding. The Alex I knew back in Hydra would've kicked my ass for doing that, you've changed a lot, you're full of life and sass that I never expected to come out of the artic fox" Bucky shoots me a thin smile before a silence falls.
"I could say the same for you, the you now, is like a stranger compared to who you where in hydra, you actually have a heart and I know I never knew you back before hydra but I really think you are back to yourself even if we both lack loads of our memories we are slowly becoming ourselves instead of a weapon controlled my hydra"
"But that's the thing after all hydra has put us through I don't think I'll ever be the same person, hell I can't even remember who I was" Buckys eyes wander from my eyes to my lips before flickering around the room.
"No you won't be, you'll be better"
Our proximity was closer then I thought it was and I kind of felt like I was having one of them staring things Dean and Castiel have, I can remember Supernatural but not the name of my boyfriend, my memory is definitely very useless.
"What we've been through--" I begin but I was cut off mid sentence by Buckys lips crashing onto mine, when our lips collided, the sparks were clear as chemistry, it was passionate and deep, I never realised how much I wanted this, how much I needed this. It was over before it even started as Bucky pulls away surprised by his own actions.
"Sorry I don't know why--"
"Oh shut up" I grin placing my hands on his cheeks and pulling him into another kiss. Im suddenly pressed against the wall and Buckys hands found themselves to my hips.
The kiss gradually got deeper and more heated. I removed Buckys leather jacket and wrap my hands around the back of his neck, combing one of my hands through his long brown hair, which he still won't cut.
A nervous huff passed his lips as he eagerly pressed them against mine. I could tell he was nervous and slightly unsure of what he was doing but to be honest so was I. His fumbling hands struggled to slide under my black vest, his hands stumbling over the bare skin of my hips and back, sending shivers up my spine.
"Why didn't we do this sooner?" Bucky smirks removing my vest.
"Because we are both robots who can't convey our feelings" I chuckle, screwing my eyes shut as his Buckys soft lips trail down my neck and shoulders.
His cold metal arm gently grabs my hand and he guides me to our messy hotel bed, he sits on the edge of the bed and pulls me on top of him so I'm straddling his waist. I take his head in my hands, his stubble prickly face against my soft skin. I gaze for a second into his deep blue eyes that told stories he doesn't even remember, his eyes, although beautiful, they displayed years and years of pain, loss and sadness.

His hands linger on my hips, my stomach turning like a washing machine on rinse cycle. "You don't understand how much I've wanted to do this" I smile pecking his lips.
"Like I said why didn't we do this sooner?" He grins in between kisses.

...

My life has been a rollercoaster. Born and raised in Russia until I was 12, when I moved to America I got bullied in high school for being Well me, when I was 15 I had cancer and then the chemotherapy accident occurred,the mutation was painful, but I love my powers, they make me who I am, what's Barry Allen without his speed? Oliver Queen without his bow and arrow? Without the cancer plaguing my life as a teenager, some of the best and worst things in my life would never have happened. I quit my job after the mutation and got a job working for the amazing asshat that is Tony Stark, Iron Man, my best friend. Then I killed a couple hundred people, joined the Avengers and after that was a blur, I can barely remember my time at Hydra, but the parts I do remember are painful. I was tortured and trained into this killing weapon, an assassin. I somehow escaped the torture and now here I am. Lying in a bed in a hotel room somewhere in central New York with my partner, the Winter Soldier, James Buchanan Barnes, Bucky.

"Bucky?" I hum my eyes fluttering open.
"Hmm" He groans screwing his eyes shut.
"We better get moving" I mumble.
"5 more minutes..." He buries his head into his pillow his grip on my waist loosening allowing me to slide out of the soft warm bed into the cold harsh air. The cold nipped at my bare body as I did a mad dash for the bathroom to have a shower. While showering and getting changed and ready for another day of aimlessly walking around New York, I couldn't wipe this Cheshire Cat like grin off my face. My skin still tingled from where his hands had been, my heart raced every time I think about last night and it's pretty obvious I am inevitably in love with Bucky Barnes whether I like it or not.