The Phantom Ascending |✔| [Phantom of the Opera Fanfiction]

Thoughts and Decisions

Every single time, when we would sing together, or when I would sing for him, Erik's demeanor would be a sight to behold. There would be some pride and arrogance at first, and then slowly his expression would become softer, less guarded, and finally, full of naked joy.

It thrilled me to have such a strong effect on him. It - as ashamed as I am to admit this - it moved me. To have such power over someone - to affect someone so strongly... I knew this before, I knew how he cared for me, but it was different seeing it happen, for weeks, day after day.

He intrigued me. He was like an object I was yet to decipher, his inner world mostly a mystery to me. And all the while, I felt the magnetic pull of his music. The refined power of his voice captured my senses and imagination, and once the music would stop, I'd feel disoriented and pensive.

Today wasn't any better. Miss Lavizzi's recent implications were probably getting to my head, because I found myself repeatedly glancing at him, and wondering.

His mask was always on, and by now I considered it to be an integral part of his face, but it was all an illusion. I remembered how cold and restraining that mask felt the one time I tried it on, and it made me want to talk Erik into taking it off.

I waited for the right moment, when he played the piano and sang with me. His voice was so beautiful that it was easy to relax into its seductive power, and I knew he felt the same about my singing too.

I gathered courage, stepped forward and touched his mask.

"Why don't you take it off?" I whispered.

In a second it interrupted everything. His fingers froze above the piano keys, and he flinched away from my hand.

"No. Best if you forget the horror that lies beneath."

"I've seen it and it doesn't scare me anymore. I told you, even in Paris, that it's not your face that scares me..." I trailed away in thought, then sat beside him on the piano bench.

"In truth, these days you don't scare me at all."

He turned his head to look at me. There was raw emotion dancing on his face, his blue eyes boring into me. From up close his gaze was overwhelming. How terrible it must have been for someone so intense to be so alone and abandoned!

I couldn't even imagine it. I was left alone when my father died, but this was partly patched up when the opera house became my new home and I made new friends there, and also... My breath hitched.

"I've just realized something... At the worst time of my life, you comforted me. My Angel of Music was the one who helped me withstand loneliness before. Thank you."

"If you truly feel lonely, I wish to do so again."

"I think you will. I think you already do," I said quietly.

This realization made me blush and look away. What was happening to us? Part of me felt increasingly comfortable around him, but the other part felt guilty for it. My morality was scolding me for befriending a murderer, but... Where was the harm in it now? Wasn't forgiveness a virtue?

I decided to listen to my heart and my intuition, and to try letting go of the guilt and the shame.

"Erik... Don't think that you must disappear once you catch my attacker. I can't imagine what the future will bring, but I will always be glad to sing for you."

"Christine."

"You have a way of saying my name so that it conveys entire speeches within it," I teased nervously, then pulled my hand free to touch the normal, visible half of his face.

He instinctively brushed his lips against my palm. My eyes widened in surprise, and he stilled, looking at me with a look of a child that just did something wrong and waited for the punishment.

I pulled my hand away and touched his arm in a calming gesture.

"Don't worry. It's alright," I said gently. Then, in a lighter voice. "We should give our vocal chords some rest. I have a busy week before me."

"I might sneak in to hear you perform."

"Are you sure? I sing here all the time."

"It's different when your voice is decorated by an orchestra, given that they are competent enough."

"I suppose it is different, but I still think you shouldn't risk being seen, especially seen leaving this house."

"You worry. Why? I can move about unseen, and I will wear a full mask as an additional precaution."

I nodded, hoping that he won't overhear any embarrassing rumors while he's at La Fenice.

As usually, the dinner went by without much conversation, but for once it didn't bother me. The silence felt peaceful, perhaps because of my decision not to feel guilty about accepting his presence here.

That evening late at night, I lay in my bed wide awake, thinking.

It was all good to make friends with the infamous Phantom of the Opera, but all the while I was playing with fire. What if his tameness was only caused by being around me? What would happen if I fall in love with another man and need to lead my own life, someday tomorrow? Could he keep his distance and stay as nonthreatening as he is now?

I hoped with my entire heart that he would truly let me go, next time, if need arises.

And a small voice inside me - that blasted curiosity - played with one secret thought: could Erik ever be that man? He was dashing and could sometimes even be dangerously seductive. The thought made me blush, but I couldn't take it back, not if I was to be honest with myself.

I tried to imagine how I'd feel about him if his face was unmarred and his soul unscathed. There was no dilemma there - I would find him extraordinary. A man of such talent and passion in his voice. A man of such intensity! Yet it was all a fantasy... The real him was far from the perfect embodiment of musical genius. He was flawed, a little mad, a lot broken, but all the more raw and real for it. Yes, quite real, and worthy of a real life.

I must make sure he knows this.