I Was Never Okay, I Promise.

This is going to a Ferard fanfiction, just to let everyone know before you read. I hope you enjoy, and please critique. and this is my first fanfiction, so I hope it turns out good :D p.s. i rewrote all the chapters and this one is a bit shorter then the other ones, just to let you know if you think this is a little short.

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** Gerard's Point Of View **

It's Saturday, the twenty - third of December. Christmas is on Monday.

I don't think I can make it. Without you. It's been... around five months that I've been without you. I think we got in a fight. It must've been my fault of course, because everything always. The last thing you told me was to go to hell. Personally, I wouldn't be surprised if I did. I don't even remember what we were fighting about. I'm pathetic. You're mad at me, and I know for a fact, you will never come back to me.

I can't even play music anymore. Or sing. It reminds me too much of you, and when ever I think of you, I cry. A lot. I breakdown, and I can't speak for the rest of the day. It's... bad. I need help.. I need to get away.. I dont have anything to live for...

I never get out of the house anymore. I don't remember the last time I brushed my hair, even. I'm pretty sure if I even got out of my bed there would forever be a imprint of my curled up body. The last thing I ate was a piece of toast Frank made for me a few days ago. I drank some water yesterday. Frank is really worried about me, apparently. He knows I'm sad. I can see it in his eyes, when he comes to visit. He talks to me, and keeps the conversation going when I don't say anything to him.

I sighed and turned over underneath my covers, closing my eyes. Light peeked through the from the curtains covering my window, telling me that maybe I should get up and carry on with life today.

I don't like that idea.

As if I had a choice with that, there was a knock on the door. I didnt have to guess who it was, I knew who it was. The only person that bothers with me anymore, Frank. I don't know what Mikey or Ray think of me anymore. I wouldn't want to guess. I pulled the blankets closer to me, ignoring him. "Gerard?? I know you're in there," Frank called, knocking harder. I sighed angerly, not moving. Let him worry. I wasn't going to alive much longer, hopefully.

"Gerard!!!" Frank yelled this time. I sighed again and got out of my warm bed and started trudging to the front door Frank was pounding on. I swung open the door, letting cold air and snowflakes fly into the room. It snowed? Since when? I guess I hadn't noticed.

"Finally Gerard, you had me worried," he told me, stepping into my kitchen and dusting off the snow on his head. I shut the door and turned to him.

"What do you need?" I asked, my voice coming out a bit hoarse. I coughed and rubbed my eyes. Was it that bad? Okay, yeah, i hadn't spoken since the last time Frank had been here, which was a few days ago.

"What do I need? Maybe to know if my best friend is okay? Jesus Christ, you've been cooped up in this house for, what? A few months? Its not healthy. You could die in here and no one would notice. I know... I know that she dumped you," Frank sighed and crossed his arms, letting me know that he wasn't happy with me.

" I... I'm sorry Frank. I'll get out more, I promi-"

"Thats what you told me last time! Gerard, I drive past your house everyday to see if you even got out of the house to get your mail. I don't even see your foot prints in the snow. Gerard you need help," he finished quietly. I stared down at the floor, as if my answers were somehow there. He walked over to me and put a hand on my shoulder. "I know you loved her. But she's gone, and I know, and you know, she's not coming back." He lifted my head with his free hand. "You need to get yourself together." He stared into my eyes.