Supernatural Episode Scripts
N/A - The French Mistake
Angels got to have something to do, right, now that we're post-apocalypse? Raphael and his followers, they want him to rule heaven.
I -- and many others -- the last thing we want is to let him take over.
You're talking civil war.
Balthazar.
It's so good to see you.
You stole the Staff of Moses.
I stole a lot of things.
I need the weapons.
Don't ask that.
If we can beat Raphael, we can end this! Tell, uh, Raphael to bite me.
Hey! No.
Until next time.
I've got to make a call.
I got a cell you can use.
It's not that kind of call.
Ugh! Yes, father.
Ruby? Stop it! Good to see you again, Dean.
She's a demon, Sam, period.
They want us dead.
We want them dead.
Look what she did to you! She's poison, Sam! Where's Bobby? In town, supply run.
In this? Yeah, man's a hero.
We were officially out of hunter's helper.
Hello, boys.
You've seen "The Godfather," right? Balthazar You know, the end, where Michael Corleone sends his men to kill his enemies in one big, bloody swoop? Hey! "Dead sea brine.
" Good, good, good.
You know, Moe Greene gets it in the eye, and Don Cuneo gets it in the revolving door? I said "hey.
" You did.
Twice.
Good for you.
Blood of lamb.
Blood of lamb.
Beer, cold pizza.
Blood of lamb.
Yes! Blood of lamb! Why are you talking about "The Godfather"? Because we're in it -- right now, tonight.
And in the role of Michael Corleone -- the Archangel Raphael.
You mind telling us what you mean? No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
Yes.
Bone of a lesser Saint.
This vertebra will do very nicely.
Your Mr.
Singer does keep a beautiful pantry.
Wait, Raphael is after you? Raphael is after us all.
You see, he's consolidated his strength.
And now he's on the move.
And where's Cass? Oh, Cassie? He is deep, deep underground.
So, good old Raffy put out a hit list on every last samaritan who helped our dear Cass -- including both of you.
And so much more importantly, me.
See, he wants to draw Cass out in the open.
And you expect us to just believe you? Oh, don't.
You'll go where I throw you either way.
What's that supposed to mean? That's all the time we have, gentlemen.
Where is it? Whoa.
What happened there? Oh.
Garish, I know.
You see, Uncle Raffy sent one of his nastiest to handle me.
I'm flattered, actually.
And down a lung at the moment, but that's all right.
Oh, here's for you.
- What am I supposed to do with this? - Run with it.
Virgil! I said, run! Cut! Real good solid fall.
Way to go.
Jared, Jensen! Outstanding! That was just great.
"Supernatural," scene one echo, take one.
Tail slate.
Marker! Sono Angels? No Angels, I think.
But that was great! It's not a problem with the stunt.
It's a problem with thesignal.
Should we be killing anybody? Interference.
- I don't think so.
- Well, how much did we get? Running? About half.
- Where? - Gets us right up to where they -- Just before they hit the window.
You know, the part where they hit the window was the good part.
Well, we can clean up, reset the window, takes about 95 minutes, basically.
So, we'd have to blow off the scene where they sit on the Impala and talk about their feelings.
Ha.
Right.
You answer the hate mail.
Or we could have them fly at the window, then freeze frame.
Then cut to black, act out.
Freeze frame.
Umyeah.
Freeze frame.
Serviceable.
Fine.
Whatever.
Season Six.
Moving on.
Moving on! That's a wrap on Jared and Jensen! W-who the hell are -- Jared! Three minutes, okay? Great.
Where are we going? Jensen, there you are! Let's just get you in the chair.
"Chair"? Okay, hon, we're just gonna get this makeup off your face.
Wha-- I'm not wearing any ma-- Oh, crap! I'm a painted whore! Trish Evian here with Jared Padalecki from TV's "Supernatural.
" So, Jared, Season Six.
What? You beat the devil, lost your soul, and got it back again.
So tell us, what's next for Sam Winchester? Look, I-I-I really don't -- Oh, and if you could include the question in your answer? Thanks.
Hey.
Dude, they put freakin' makeup on us! Those bastards! - Look, I think I know what this is.
- Okay.
What? - It's a TV show.
- You think? Yeah.
I mean, here -- wherever "here" is, this -- this twilight zone Balthazar zapped us into.
For whatever reason, our life is a TV show.
- Why? - I don't know.
No, seriously.
Why? Why would anybody want to watch our lives? Well, I mean, according to that interviewer, not very many people do.
Look, I'm not saying it makes sense.
I'm just saying, we -- we landed in some dimension where you're Jensen Ackles, and I'm something called a "Jared Padalecki.
" So what, now you're Polish? Is any of this making any sense to you? Oh, hey.
Least my baby made it.
Hey.
Hey! What -- I feel sick.
I'm gonna be sick.
I want to go home.
I feel like this whole place is bad-touching me.
Yeah, I know.
Me too.
So, what do you think? Cass? He's our best shot, if he's still alive.
Dear Castiel, who art maybe running his ass away from heaven, we pray that you have your ears on.
So Breaker breaker Cass? Cass! Hey, Cass! Oh, thank God.
What is all this, huh? W-w-what did Balthazar do to us? To keep you out of Virgil's reach, he's cast you into an alternate reality, a universe similar to ours in most respects yet dramatically different in others.
Like -- like bizarro earth, right? Except instead of having Bizarro Superman, we get this clown factory.
Um Yeah, well Anyway, no time to explain.
- Do you have the key? - Yeah.
So, uh, what does this thing do, anyway? It opens a room.
What's in the room? Every weapon Balthazar stole from heaven.
He gave it to us? To keep it safe until I could reach you.
With those weapons, I have a chance to rally my forces.
Oh.
Okay, good.
Yeah.
So, now, uh, what's the deal with all this TV crap? Pardon? Yeah.
Amen, Padaleski.
Uh, "lecki.
" What? Lecki.
Pretty sure.
Man.
- Did they put out new pages? - New what? I mean, is this some kind of cosmic joke? Yeah, 'cause if it is, it's stupid, and we don't get it.
Yeah.
Are you guys okay? Give me that.
What is -- these are words in a script.
This isn't Cass.
Dude, look at him.
You guys want to run lines, or? His name's Misha.
Misha? Oh, wow.
Justgreat.
Misha? Jensen? What's up with the names around here? You guys! You really punked me! I'm totally gonna Tweet this one.
"Hola, mishamigos.
"J-squared Got me good.
" I just want to dig my finger in my brain and scratch until we're back in Kansas.
"Really Starting to feel like one of the guys.
" Hey.
"J.
Ackles.
" - That's fake me! - Yeah.
This must be fake mine.
Dude, I have a helicopter! Oh.
All right, who puts a 300-gallon aquarium in their trailer? Apparently, Jensen Ackles.
Huh.
All right, here we go.
Let's see who this guy is.
Well, he's not a hunter, but he plays one on TV.
Oh.
Come on.
Look at these male-modelin' sons of bitches.
Nice "Blue Steel," Sam.
Hey.
Apparently, it's our job.
All right, uh, here goes.
UmIt says you're from Texas.
- Really? - Yeah.
And, uh Oh.
Says you were on a soap opera.
What? If I didn't have cancer, and I wasn't married, and I had plenty of money would you -- would you want to run away with me? Money? What, you think I really care about money, Nicole? I care that you're healthy.
Well, I'm no quitter, Eric.
I-I -- Don't like this universe, Sammy.
We need to get out of this universe.
Yeah.
No argument here.
But I don't think our -- our prayers are reaching Cass.
Or the real Cass.
Well, I agree.
I think we are definitely out of, uh, soul-phone range.
But What? If we can reverse Balthazar's spell I watched every move.
We just, uh, get the ingredients, right, get back to that same window, and there's no place like home.
Backbone of a lesser Saint.
Got it.
Uh It's rubber.
Check this out.
Hey, look.
It's fake.
It's all fake! Well, at least they're talking to each other.
What are we supposed to do with this crap? 'Course everything is fake.
We're on a film set.
We got to get back to the real world.
Yeah, now you're talking.
All right, we go round up the genuine articles, bring 'em here for the spell.
What the hell is going on? What is wrong with this thing? Mr.
Ackles! Mr.
Ackles, please! Uh, Dean? God, Mr.
Ackles, please! Dean, it's not the Impala.
Please! Stop.
- You think? - Please! It's a frigging prop! Just like everything else.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for How the hell are we supposed to get out of here? You know whereabouts you want me to drop you off? Jensen? Me? Yes.
I -- I'll just tag along with, uh Jared.
Jared.
Jared here.
Huh.
Since when are you guys talking? Yeah, uh, y-you know what, Clint, uh Uh, uh, Clif.
Y-yeah.
Yeah, of course.
Clif.
Obviously.
Um, so, uh, I think we're gonna go back to my place a-and do some Work.
Work on our acting.
Yeah.
For our characters.
For the show.
Yeah.
All right.
Where the hell are we, anyway? Dude, we're not even in America.
Nice modest digs, Jay-Z.
Wow.
I must be the star of this thing.
Yeah, right.
Check it out.
What am I, Dracula? George Hamilton Dracula.
Oh.
Now we're talking.
Dude, you have a camel in your backyard.
It's an Alpaca, dumbass.
Ruby? "Ruby.
" Right.
That one never gets old.
How was work today, hon? Wait.
You and Ruby? Do you honestly think that's funny, Jensen? Right.
Right.
'Cause you're not Ruby.
You I mean, how could you be? You Of course! You are the lovely actress who plays Ruby.
And you are, uh, in Jared's house, uh, because you two are married! You married fake Ruby? What are you doing? Work.
Work.
Yeah, just, uh, thought I'd pop in, say "hey.
" Hey.
Uh, and -- and -- and maybe run some lines.
It's You've never even been to our house.
Well, now that I know there's an Alpaca out back, I'm definitely coming back.
Well, Alpacas are the greenest animal.
Right.
Right.
That is so important.
Well, there's that thing I have to get to.
Oh, yeah.
Of course, yeah.
The thing.
The International Otter Adoption Charity dinner? Oh.
Okay, well Well, I'm glad you two are talking, anyway.
Yeah.
Well, looks like you did all right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I should figure out her name.
"Wrist bone of Saint and holy reliquary.
Museum-quality, from diocese in Oaxaca.
" Looks legit.
All right.
Auction house is in Mexico City.
We could be there day after tomorrow.
We, uh, case it, yank it, be back here by the end of the week.
Or we could just buy it.
What?! Dude, that thing's over a hundred thou-- Hello, Jared Padalecki.
Cubrirá a su amigo en la aduana.
¿No? Bueno.
Triple rush.
No problemo.
Because money is no ob-- This baby's maxed.
Wow.
They said it should be at the airport first thing in the morning.
Money, man.
There is nothing like it.
All right.
Couch.
TV star.
Beauty rest.
Ahh.
Hey! Hey.
Hi.
Hi, uh, Gen-- Genevieve.
Gen? Gen.
Gen.
Of course.
Yeah.
Um, so, h-- how was the Otter thing? It was good.
Yeah? Everybody missed you there.
Oh.
Wow.
Wow.
I bet.
So -- so listen, I-I got to ask you a question.
Do you remember, uh, uh, year before last, all those disasters? - Disasters? - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, the whole earthquake spike.
You know, the -- the 9.
2 in Rome? I mean, the -- the 8.
5 outside Boston? The whole east/west Tsunami chain? Yes.
I remember all of those from last season on your show.
No, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I-I know.
I know.
That -- that's what I mean.
That's what I was You have been Sam Winchester way too long.
Thanks.
So I don't mean to pry, but, uh, why are we picking up packages at 8:00 a.
m.
That haven't cleared customs yet? Just saving time.
All right, here we go.
We're not doing anything illegal, are we? Would it make you feel better if we said no? Whoa.
What? We finish today in 12 hours if it kills us all.
Get "A" and "B" Cam for scene 12.
What is this? Here for the first run-through, before anyone else? Dedication.
Uh, can I talk to you for a second? Um, we're gonna need the, uh, set cleared for -- safe side, an hour or so.
You need it cleared.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Me and, um Jared were gonna do some actor stuff.
Jensen, we're thrilled to see you collaborating so creatively.
And your enthusiasm is refreshing.
Dean Cain was like that on "Lois," and that man's a real actor.
And we will clear this set exactly when we shoot the 2 3/8 pages we are scheduled to shoot on this set.
So you do your "actor stuff" and we'll do our "camera stuff" and, uh Ooh, "priority.
" What's in it? I bought parts of a dead person.
Oh, cool.
Uh, so, bad news.
Uh Looks like we're gonna have to do a little acting.
What? "Supernatural" scene 36, take 1.
Marker! Action! Balthazar is no hero.
But he knows Raphael will never take him back.
Cut! "Supernatural" scene 36, take 8.
Marker! Action! Balthazar is no hero.
But he knows Raphael will never take him back.
Dean, grimly.
And yet, somehow you got no problem with it.
Cut! Action.
That's because That's because we have no other choice.
Don't look at the camera.
What? Look anywhere but the camera.
That's because we have no other choice! Cut! For the love of Action.
Cut! If there's a key, then there must also be a lock.
Cut.
Action.
If there's a key then there has to be a lock.
And when we find the lock, we can get the weapons, and then we can have the weapons.
And the lock.
We'll still have the lock, I imagine, because we've opened it, and, of course, the initial key.
We need to get all three of that crap.
What? That's how he talks.
Oh.
Do we really need all these lines? I mean, I-I-I-I think we've covered it.
- Right? - Cut! What is happening? What's happening?! What's happening?! An atrocity is happening.
Seems like they should stop.
They can't stop.
Nobody stops.
Did we get anything we can use? Well, uh, technically, we have them saying everything in bits and pieces.
Could be sort of experimental? Whatever.
Season Six.
Who wrote this? Nobody says "penultimate!" Gun, mouth.
Now.
Moving on! Thank God.
"I-m-h-o, 'J' and 'J' had a late one last night.
" All right, damn it.
We earned this.
"R-o-t-f-l-m-a-o.
" Spell it out for me, please.
What is our terror-alert level here? I don't know, Sera.
Orange, maybe? They started talking to each other.
What?! But that's a good thing.
Right.
I thought so.
But now Jensen's living at Jared's house.
That's it? Plus, Clif says they're smuggling illegal stuff in from Mexico.
That's it, Toto.
Misha's celebrity Tweet says it's a black-market organ thing.
I'm betting drugs.
Anyway, as far as I can see, I think they've lost any shred of talent they ever had.
Drugs.
Maybe we did it wrong.
No.
No, that -- that spell was perfect.
It should have worked.
What if it can't? Look, I was up all night, looking online.
There's no sign that anything like the apocalypse happened here.
Ever.
And as far as I can tell, monsters, ghosts, demons -- they're all pretend.
So nobody's hunting them? No hunters.
Look, maybe that's why our spell didn't work, Dean, you know? M-maybe here, there's no supernatural, no magic.
No demons, no hell, no heaven, no -- no God? Something like.
Even better -- no angels.
Okay, maybe we can't get out of, uh, you know, earth number two right now, but the least we can do is get the hell out of the Canadian part of it.
Yeah.
I hear one more conversation about hockey, I'm gonna puke.
Wait a minute.
This way, this way, this way.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's this way.
It's this way! No, Dean, look, I really -- I really think that we should -- Dean! You think you can run? No! Sorry, dude.
Mojo-free zone.
No magic in the house.
Which makes you nothing but a dick.
You know, I oversee all the stunts, coordinate all the fights.
That's exciting.
Is that one of yours, then? Guys! Not good! Not good! No, no, no, no! Stop! You don't understand! No, no, no! You're dead, Virgil! Virgil! I'm gonna break your friggin' neck! Hey! I'm trying to understand, Bob.
Well, uh, sera, we don't really understand it ourselves, but, uh, it appears that Jared and Jensen were seen beating an extra to death.
Huh.
This is Jim here, Sera, and it wasn't all the way to death.
Only partway, so that's a plus.
He could definitely still run.
And we'll certainly follow up on that, but I think the real issue here, Sera, is that the boys appear to be on some kind of extended psychedelic acid trip.
Well, uh, o-okay.
Maybe it'd help if I -- I'll fly up and talk to them.
You know, I'm not sure Jared and Jensen know who she is, strictly speaking.
She's, you know, new.
No offense.
Right.
Yeah, I think what we might need at this stage is for Kripke to come up himself.
He created the show.
They'll listen to him.
How's that make me look? I'm supposed to be running this thing.
Besides, Eric is off in some cabin somewhere writing his next pilot.
He sold "Octocobra"? Yes! Mother of God.
They'll buy anything.
I don't know.
I mean, Virgil broke through.
Maybe he's got a way to get back.
Or he has no juice here, and now he's stuck, like us.
Yeah, either way, I want to finish kicking his ass.
'Night, little fella.
"Ever get that feeling someone's in the backseat?" Frowny face.
Aah! Aaaah! Aah! Drive.
Oh.
There you are, guys! You got a minute? Actually, we're -- we're looking for, uh -- for that extra you tried to kill? So, is it money? Is this the kind of act that goes away if we can scare up some coverage on a raise? More money? - You already pay these two jokers enough as it is.
- Yeah.
'Cause I'd like to think that over these years, we've grown closer.
That you don't think of me as "Director Bob" or "Executive Producer Bob Singer," but as "Uncle Bob.
" Wait, you're kidding.
So, the character in the show, Bobby Singer -- what kind of douchebag names a character after himself? Oh, that's not right.
Okay, guys, let's begin again.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, I don't think Virgil would have shagged out of here without getting his mitts on that key.
Yeah.
Yeah, I agree.
Guys You can't come to work on poppers and smuggle kidneys in from Mexico and make up your own lines as you go! You cannot make up your own lines! Good God, what about your careers? You know what? Screw our careers, Bob.
What?! You heard my brother.
That's right, I said "brother.
" 'Cause you know what, Bob? We're not actors.
We're hunters.
We're the Winchesters.
Always have been, and always will be.
And where we're from, people don't know who we are.
But you know what? We mattered in that world.
In fact, we even saved a son of a bitch once or twice.
And yeah, okay, here, maybe there's some -- some fans who give a crap about this nonsense.
I wouldn't call it nonsense.
But, Bob Singer -- if that even is your name -- tell me this -- what does it all mean? Okay.
This is good.
I mean, we've all had our psychotic breaks, right? I can work with this.
Dean.
Virgil -- I think he has the key.
We quit.
Okay, okay, okay.
Easy, easy.
How do you do it? Please.
Live in this grubby, shabby desert? Nothing greater than yourselves.
Ohh.
Nothing but dirt when you die.
What? Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, oh.
No power, no magic.
I'm so-- I'm not following you at all.
There's no magic in your universe! I'm sorry! Please! Nothing but a bag of strings and pulleys.
What?! You should thank me for what I'm about to do.
Why? What are you about to do? I need to make an important call.
I pray to God that it even goes through.
This is what I've been reduced to.
Raphael.
Maybe if we get inside the police dispatch system.
Put out an A.
P.
B.
on Virgil.
Might work, if he stays obvious.
It's not like we have a lot of time.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What? Misha! He's been stabbed to death! Where? Where? Where?! Yeah, yeah, Raphael.
Like the Ninja Turtle.
He was calling someone name of Raphael, up in heaven.
Yeah, yeah.
That's right.
The -- the scary man killed the attractive crying man, and then he started to pray.
And the strange part -- after a while, I s-swear I heard this voice, answering.
What did it say? Well, it didn't make any sense.
Try us.
The voice said, "for Virgil to return tomorrow "at the place where he crossed over, "at the time of the crossing.
"And Raphael would reach through the window and take him and the key home.
" Uh, okay.
Hey, thank you.
Dean, if Virgil gets back with that key, Cass is dead, and our world is toast.
Well, then we stop him.
I mean, how bad can an angel with no wings be? I'd like to see that pump-action tactical, You bet.
Nice choice.
You really know your ordnance, mister.
I am the weapons keeper of heaven.
Excuse me? It's my job.
You know that if we drop Virgil, get the key, then this might be it.
We might be stuck here.
No, we'll figure out a way back.
Yeah, you wouldn't be that broken up if we didn't, though.
What? Don't be stupid.
Well, I'm just saying.
No hell below us, above us only sky.
Dean, our friends are back there.
Yeah, but here, you got a pretty good life.
I mean, back home, the hits have been coming since you were You got to admit, being a-a bazillionare, married to Ruby, the whole package.
It's no contest.
No, you know, you were right.
We just don't mean the same thing here.
I mean, we're not even brothers here, man.
All right, then.
Let's get our crazy show back home.
Bob, dude.
What the hell, right? - Eric.
Thanks for coming.
- Of course.
I know you're busy.
It means a lot that we can still, you know, call on you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Misha, right? Oh, I know, I know.
It's just awful! It's totally, totally awful.
Yeah.
It got us the front page of Variety, though.
Did you see that? - Front page? Really? - Yeah, yeah.
But tragic.
Yeah, tragic.
That's what I was gonna say.
How's "Octocobra"? Oh, I think I really had a breakthrough.
I'll tell you all about it over lunch, though.
I can't wait.
Yeah.
Okay, so I am just gonna bust in their trailer, guns blazing, and then take care of this whole mess and -- what's the matter? What? That guy.
I think that's the extra! Oh, fantastic.
We can nip this bud right out of the gate.
Hey, extra! Over here! Gun! He's got a gun! Noooooo! I don't think we have gunfire on the call sheet today, hmm? Hey! Dean, got it! Raphael.
Run! You two have the strangest luck.
Raphael? Nice meatsuit.
Dude looks like a lady.
The key.
And that will open you a locker at the Albany bus station.
Really.
You see, I needed a modest decoy to make it more convincing.
Give me the weapons.
Sorry, darling.
They're gone.
What?! I said, too bloody late.
You see, they were so well-hidden that I needed time to find them.
So, I volunteered these two marmosets for a game of fetch with Virgil.
You two were such an adequate stick.
Thank you.
Thank you, boys.
You've made your last mistake.
Oh, I've got a few more up my sleeve, honey.
Step away from him, Raphael.
I have the weapons now.
Their power is with me.
Castiel.
If you don't want to die tonight, back off.
Well, Cass now that you have your sword, try not to die by it.
Cass, what the hell? Wait, you were in on this, using us a diversion? It was Balthazar's plan.
I would have done the same thing.
That's not comforting, Cass.
When will I be able to make you understand? If I lose against Raphael, we all lose.
Everything.
Yeah, Cass.
We know the stakes.
That's about all you've told us! I'm sorry about all this.
I'll explain when I can.
Friggin' Angels.
Solid.
It's real.
Nice.
Yeah.
Yeah, real, moldy, termite-eaten home sweet home.
Chock full of crap that want to skin you.
Oh, and, uh, we're broke again.
Yeah.
But, hey at least we're talking.
Supernatural Episode Script
