My feelings about my life

Maybe

People leave. People always leave. I don't understand it. Am I so repulsive that everyone just feels the need to leave me. Everytime someone new comes along, I prepare myself. Tell myself they will leave, just like the others. But then they say things, do things that make me want to believe that they are here to stay. They become my friends, more than that, my family. But then, then they leave. No warning. No hesitation. Just gone. Like I didn't matter to them at all. And it's so depressing, to know how easy it is for people to leave me without so much as a goodbye. Sometimes I wonder if maybe they left because they had to, not because they wanted to. But then I remember everyone has a choice. They chose to leave me behind. They chose to stop caring about me. They chose. Nobody made the decision for them. Maybe I'm like toxic or something. Maybe everyone who gets close to me gets infected. And when they realize that I might harm them, they try to stay away. Because who would want to be infected with something that pushes people away. Or maybe I'm the one who pushes everyone else away. Maybe I'm the one who's too scared to get close to anyone because they might see the real me, and not like it. Maybe I'm too worried about not being good enough for anyone to actually like, so I push people away before they can see who I really am and what my life is really like. Or maybe I'm just not meant to be with people. Or have friends. Maybe I'm meant to be one of those people who does extraordinary things in their life but never has any children and dies alone. But I don't seem like the kind of person to be able to do extraordinary things... but maybe, just maybe I don't even know the real me. Maybe I'm just learning about who I am. And maybe all these things will change for me. Maybe I'll live a very fulfilling life and have offspring. Who knows? I definitely don't. Because one of the most used words I've said so far, is maybe.
11:48 pm; 5/9/16