Ramblings of a Dumbass

Becoming I

Don't let the title of this fool you. I don't really consider myself a dumbass. I love myself because I've been this mind and body for all of my existence. That is to say, it is more of a playful insult you would lay on a friend. What I really want to express with this title is that I am clueless and often purposely remain that way. I think a more proper term would be ignorant because it implies ignoring the world around you. I can't forget after all about how that is what I have spent the majority of my life doing. However, a dumbass is more interesting than an ignorant fool in my opinion. Moving on.

How should I live my life? I feel that this is the biggest thing on my mind as of lately. I'm sure that a lot of people struggle with this question as much as I do and maybe more. However, it is a wall we must all overcome. So, I will begin overcoming that wall by laying out my thoughts and feelings bare. However, I can't comfortably just lay myself open without an identity, so a backstory will help provide that.

Hello reader, you can call me Ai. I know that is a feminine Japanese name, and I'm not actually female or Japanese. That's beside the point. It feels like the most fitting name as I have always referred to myself as I. What name sounds the most like the word I? To me, that name is Ai, so that is my identity.

I shall now paint a world for you that Ai has always known as Reality. Imagine you are Ai. Imagine Ai is growing up in a small suburban town by a name Ai doesn't know. Ai is 3 or 4 years old, but Ai is not exactly sure which number defines Ai. There is no real sense of time. What need is there for time when everything is just a continuous stream of information? There is always so much happening. How is Ai meant to categorize all of that under such events as "yesterday" or "a week ago"?

One might express this perspective of time to Ai as disillusioned because sleep is a definite boundary between days. The young Ai might nod and try to process this new information. However, Ai's mind would refuse to integrate this idea with prior knowledge as it is incompatible with Ai's experience. So, if Ai were followed up with a question about time in the format of day and night, Ai will regurgitate the same words fed to Ai previously. To Ai, sleep itself is not any definite boundary. It is merely an irregularity in the constant stream of events akin to music skipping on a record. Ai may not understand the abstractness of time, but Ai understands concrete things that can be touched.

Ai has a 2 parents, 2 brothers, and 2 friends. Ai has a life defined by these 3 pairs. They determine the flow of the input in Ai's continuous stream of information. Ai's parents build structure for Ai's life like a tree. Ai's brothers look for weaknesses in that foundational structure and rattle them like a bombarding wind sometimes and tickle the leaves at others. The 2 little friends are like a rain shower that can sometime be soft and sweet or heavy and treacherous. Ai understands that it is pleasant when the wind tickles and the rain soothes. Ai only wants that to happen, but Ai cannot continuously enjoy those things because life is unpredictable.

Ai's 2 parents are the only 2 absolute truths in the world. Even though that's the case, Ai doesn't think about it, but his foundation is a little shaky. Ai does not know the one known as "Dad" very well. He disappears frequently and does not seem to care much about Ai. Ai's "Mom" on the other hand is always there. She is God. However, God is frequently self- absorbed, so God is not perfect. Furthermore, Ai's parents fall into fits of barking and squealing at each other, but Ai forgets it because it is unpleasant by pruning the branches of his tree. The barking matches terrify Ai like nothing else. In the end, Ai doesn't choose to grow roots and become independent because that is too scary.

Ai's 2 brothers are very different existences. One is a confounding little creature, and the other is the Devil. One is a baby, and the other is big kid. Ai is still forming an opinion of the little one. However, Ai isn't fond of the Devil because he is evil. Evil is bad.

Ai's 2 friend are also quite different from each other. One is a "Boy" and the other is a "Girl". If given the option Ai would be unable to decide which to play with over the other. Ai would not determine one of them as better than the other. There is merely, the Girl who is easy to play with because she is near, and the boy who is hard to play with because he is far. Ai and the Girl do not share interests, but Ai enjoys playing her games nonetheless. Ai really likes the video games that the Boy has to offer. They are very exciting compared to the playing house with the girl. The games don't really matter though. Ai just wants to share play with someone else.

Of course, there is also school for playing with others. Not really though. It is always scary when God leaves Ai here with many strange faces. The play here is forced. Ai pretends to be like the other baby faced "Little Kids". However, Ai has something to distinguish himself from all of the others. Ai is different. Ai is not nobody, nor is he just a somebody. What makes Ai different? Well... Ai wouldn't know if asked. Ai can just feel it.

Ai goes to church with his family and hears about jesus, god, and the devil. Ai understands that jesus has some magic power to come back to life. Thus, jesus is special. He is special like Ai. Maybe Ai is Jesus after he came back to life. Ai thinks this might really be true, and it makes Ai happy.

Ai watches TV at home. A very confidant man talks about the Bible, a book written by god. This man says that Jesus has some sort of brother that may have already been born. This brother is the opposite of the Good Jesus. He is called the "Anti-Christ". However, that name is too complicated. Ai will just remember him as Bad Jesus. Ai is bad sometimes. Ai wonders if he might be Bad Jesus. Ai thinks this might really be true, and this makes Ai sad.

Sometimes Ai wonders why Ai was born as Ai and not as someone else. Everybody else was born like Ai, but Ai was born in a special, different way. Ai knows this is true because God loves Ai. Yet, sometimes Ai's belief is not strong. Sometimes, Ai has a scary thought. Maybe Ai is not special.

This is Ai. This is me, and now this is you. Welcome to Reality. It welcomes one as all and all as one. Now, don't worry if you lose yourself to the stream of information, consciousness. Ai already has.