I Have To Look Up Just To See Hell

Para-Noir

Chapter 7 - Para-Noir

I’d finished recording three new songs, which I secretly hoped would turn into hit singles, and had shyly played them for Marilyn and the guys. Twiggy and Sarah had looked at each other and smiled when I’d shown them Jealous Girl...and then had started making out, which had made Abbie adorably go “Ew!”

Marilyn had sat there with narrowed eyes whilst that had played and then scowled at the floor whilst Chelsea Hotel No.2 and Million Dollar Man had played on. When the last note rang out through our house, Marilyn stood and walked out of the room while the rest of them clapped and said only nice things about the new tracks. As they went back to chatting amongst themselves, I went in search of Marilyn.

I found him in the back garden, kicking pebbles into the pond. I hugged him from behind, “Hey...are...are you okay?” I asked softly, worried.

“Why would you write that?” he demanded, removing my arms from around his waist as he took a step away from me. “Chelsea Hotel…”

“What?” I asked in disbelief.

“You got away, I never once heard you say I need you, I don't need you.” he repeated words he’d heard barely ten minutes ago. “And Jealous Girl?” he continued, rounding on me. “You say you want your own life well I do, too. You wanna' lead me all night well I'll show you.” he looked at me incredulously. “And, granted, Million Dollar Man is a good song, but babe… ‘You said I was the most exotic flower, Holding me tight in our final hour’...it sounds like you’re leaving me…” his gaze turned pained. “Are you trying to tell me you’re leaving? Coz it’s bloody well working.”

My jaw dropped. “No!” I nearly shouted; calming myself before I spoke again. “No, that’s not what I’m saying, Brian. I love you...why would I leave you?”

“You tell me.” he stated bluntly.

“Listen.” I said, holding back tears. “I wrote those because I know how it feels when you think you’ve lost somebody. Remember when I saw Sarah on your couch half naked and grinning at me like she’d just won the best prize in the world? I thought then that you’d decided you didn’t want me even though you let me believe you did!” I choked back a sob and he looked at me then, memories filling his eyes as I continued. “That’s where those songs came from! they came from the part of me that you hurt, however inadvertently it was...you hurt me...and that’s why I wrote these songs.”

“I…” he stopped and just stood there, staring at me as I shook slightly.

“You forget so easily...I also wrote Young and Beautiful and Born To Die for you.” my voice shook as I sang to him. “Come on take a walk on the wild side, Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain. You like your girls insane…” I saw in his eyes that he remembered how I once said it was the females point of view in Heart Shaped Glasses, and I saw his hands ball into fists. “Choose your last words, this is the last time...Cause you and I, we were born to die…”

“I will love you til the end of time…” He sang my song back to me and then sighed. “I’m sorry… like most people I assumed you were singing about the ‘here and now’...” he grimaced. “I should know better…”

“Yes,” I said blankly, a tear spilling down my cheek. “You should.”

“Oh, no…” he came over and held me to him gently. “Don’t cry...please don’t cry...it kills me…”

"Well then… ask before you get mad and just storm out...coz one of us always ends up feeling like an idiot.” I sniffled and buried my face in his chest as he shushed and cooed to me softly.

“Mommy! Daddy!” Abigail’s adorable little voice sounded behind us and we both turned to smile at her. “Twiggy made a swear!”

“No I effing didn’t!” Twiggy shouted from inside and she pointed back through the door at him.

“I don’t think ‘effing’ counts, honey…” Marilyn smirked down at her.

“Thank fuck, I thought I was in trouble there…” Twiggy shouted out, follow by a long paused and then. “Fuck...oh fuck I said fuck...oh piss it!” we heard him groan and the others all laughed at him.

I looked at my scowling three year old and chuckled, lifting her up. “Just don’t repeat that word until you’re sixteen...okay honey?” I smiled when she nodded and then yawned, wrapping her tiny arms around me. I smiled up at Marilyn. “Someone’s all tuckered out...I’ll go lay her down.”

“And I’ll get rid of the rabble and meet you in the bedroom in ten.” he smiled one of his ‘make you weak at the knees’ smiles at me and walked inside, leaving me weak and wanting…

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ehehehehehehe! another post...and many thanks to and_yeah for the push to write on ;)