Awake (A BTS Fanfiction)

Chapter 21: Awake pt. 1

June 4th 

Jin's POV:

So now Jungkook is in the hospital and to be honest, I blame it all on myself. How could I let that happen? Whether Rap Monster is the leader or not, as the oldest, how could I not pay attention to the fact that Jungkook could've had something bad happen to him all of this time? How?

Last night, I ended up just sleeping in the car and I'm still in it. It was too much. Too much to go back to the hospital. Too much to see the only two friends that I have still completely fine. Too much too see my injured and half dead friends. Too selfish actually. That's what I am. I'm selfish.

I hate myself for it. Why? Why do I do these things? I was driving myself insane. I hated life. I hate myself. I hate the world. I'm scared of the world as well though. Scared. That's all I am. I'm too scared to own up to my own responsibilities and I'm too scared to grow up. 

I'm too scared to take chances and I'm too scared to see the next chapter of my life. I felt my warm tears fall down my face as my anger got the best of me. I hit the steering wheel repeatedly making my car go off as the tears fell faster and my heart started to burn. "IM SORRY IM SORRY I HATE MYSELF OKAY?!?!"  I clawed at myself as I pushed open the door and fell on the ground sobbing to myself.

"I'm worthless okay?! I get it I GET IT!!!" I screamed at the sky, straining my voice. My life is a damn lie. I understand that. Just please...stop the pain. I thought to myself as I heard a voice suddenly speak. 

"Well then let us go."

I looked up, tears falling down my chin. My eyesight was blurry but I knew exactly who it was. "Kim Taehyung." I mumbled. "Kim Taehyung, help me." I said, voice shaky as I extended my arm. He sighed as he shook his head. How was he here? He didn't look sick or half dead. He looked...like he always did.

"I'm helping you by telling you let us go already! Those doctors! They know that you have a mental problem! They've helped you believe your own delusion because you wouldn't listen otherwise because THIS IS YOUR FUCKING CHOICE SEOKJIN! YOURS! NO ONE ELSES! LITERALLY WAKE THE HELL UP!!!"

He yelled, his voice cracking with his final yell and before I knew it he started to disappear. "NO!!!" I screamed as I felt my hand falling down slowly noticing that every bit of his body was gone. I felt my bones start to shiver at the feeling of loneliness. Loneliness...why is that a thing? 

I lifted myself off of the ground and let my tears fall. No use in stopping them now. Taehyung is right. I have to stop. I have to grow up. I'm too old for this. I walked down the street trying to get to the house, leaving the car. I wasn't too far. My body was furiously shaking. I haven't had to deal with fear in so long.

The members voices started to zoom through my head as I arrived at the house after a while. I pushed open the door after unlocking it and left it open, dragging my feet to my room. I could barely look up. My eyes being locked to the floor was the safest thing for me.

I swung open my door and fell into my chair. I picked up the picture of us off the desk and though I thought I could bare looking at it, I couldn't and the tears came out quickly like sprinklers, my automatic reaction was to look down.

"GROW UP JIN!"

I bit my lip and they felt as if they were set on fire. I'll never make it in life. I looked up into my mirror on my desk and my lip was bleeding. "This photo is all that I have now." Embracing it, a single tear fell on it and I quickly wiped it away worrying that it would soak. 

But then...

Something caught my eye.

They weren't in the picture anymore. I squinted. This can't be real. Not the slightest, things like that don't happen.

But alter ego's do.

THE END