written on my grave~

chapter 2: screams

 

Citadel

To see the tears ready to fall down, to be able to stare at me and smile even though he was about to break into pieces, I was very disappointed with myself . I was angry and mad for being such a bitch. I never wanted this to happen; to hurt him was hell for me. I’d do everything for him, for him to forgive me, for him to love me again. I love him. I really love him so damn great.

In the corner of his eyes I saw the truth that lies in his life. I saw something I never saw before with anyone.  I saw the face of a man I wished was mine.

“It’s soon to call it love but I wanted to.” As he said those words the first time he kissed me, I know he truly love me. He was and he is always sincere with me. I know it’s next to impossible but I believe that he never lied to me, not once. And it was such a pity that he loved me more than I loved him but still, it doesn’t change the fact that he loves me.

Now, what should I do? What could bring back the moments I really needed in order to live? How can I even win him back to make him mine again?

Reno, come back to me. Cause if you’re not.. I just can’t live, I just can’t breathe.

“I love you, Reno!” I screamed so loud for him to hear what I really feel, for the world to know that there is only one guy I did fell in love with; that it was him that was my home. “Damn it, Reno!”

“Damn it… you made me fall for you.” All I could do was cry- drown myself in an ocean of dreams and despair- To take my broken feelings out my systems. But to distinguish the sad and happy things in my life right now was hard, hard as breathing for I was suffocated by love itself.

I was alone. It was clear to me that without him this place is but an empty and ordinary place looking down the bare face of Michigan. It was lonely, abandoned and silent.

The cries, the screams, the silent sanctuary, and a bottle of liquor to make me forget that bad incident even for a moment, it was all enough to be making a scene of a broken hearted human being. Just as what I saw in those movies where the emotional guy would get drunk and die because of drunk driving.  At least, I could be an actress and might win an award for this. Great but this one’s for real. To be numb and dense and eventually moving on were still impossible. It will be forever impossible.

It’s just because, forever is what I needed to forget him…

“I love him so much!”