THE SOLDIER & THE SHIELD, stucky

09

ENTRY 1: OCTOBER 3, 2017

Buck,

Nat told me I shouldn't do this but I am anyway. I think it might help pass the time. Journaling always helped. I think feeling like I can talk to you will help, too. So here we are.

Natasha has me watching all these movies tonight. She wanted me to finish off the list I made a couple years ago. She started a new one for movies we have to watch when you're back here.

I couldn't talk her out of Manchurian Candidate, so you'll have to sit through that one as soon as you're conscious. Sorry.

The first one we watched tonight was The Notebook. She picked it on purpose, I'm pretty sure. It's definitely a chick flick and you'll kill me for saying this, but I cried a little. It hit a little too close to home at the end. It really got me thinking a lot about everything. About us.

We both have this serum in us, you know? You survived that fall off the train, I've survived... a lot of things. So sure, we can handle physical things that should kill us, that's made itself pretty abundantly clear. I just can't stop thinking about what that will be like thirty, fifty, a hundred years from now.

You said it yourself, who knows if we can age?

We've both spent a lot of time frozen. And for me it wasn't in some fancy scientific cryotube. What if that has something to do with why we haven't aged yet? Is that going to catch us to us?

Nat told me not to worry about this stuff and that we can talk to Tony and T'Challa's doctors about it sometime. She wanted to ease my mind and I'm sure it's because she knows what I'm thinking. I'm sure you do too at this point.

I wasn't kidding when I said I'd under with you. If I'm going to start aging while you're asleep in there, I don't want to be out here saving the world anymore. If it's going to take a few years for them to develop something that can flush Hydra out of you—God forbid a decade or so—I don't want to keep going with my life and have you come out to see a middle aged man waiting for you.

We can talk about all this in December when I visit for Christmas, I guess. I'm really looking forward to that. You're going to get such a kick out of this bracelet they gave me. It's like an ugly, clunky watch. I've already tried to get it off, so you can forget about that. I can't make it do anything without a fingerprint from authorized S.H.I.E.L.D. personnel.

Oh, S.H.I.E.L.D., right. That's a little harder to explain. I might just save it until we talk to face to face. It's complicated. They're not Hydra anymore, but from what I can tell they haven't changed much. There's a new Director, which is taking some getting used to.

I don't know a lot about how it works. I want to know as little as possible, you know? I don't want to be in that deep ever again. I'm glad not to be Captain America, "Captain Rogers," the man who's more than a man, the legend, the war hero. I don't want to try to live up to that anymore.

It's just Rogers now. "Agent Rogers," actually.

Like I said, I want to stay at arm's-length, do as little as I can without them getting on my back.

I'll always help people. There's no denying that. I guess I'm just having a hard time with The Accords. I never wanted to see the world come to this.

Then again I never knew what kind of world I was waking up in until recently. I'll admit, I'm still disappointed with some things. The fact that you're still in this world makes it a hell of a lot better, though.

When you get out, you, me, Sam, and Nat should take a road trip. See if we can't find out where Nick Fury ended up after everything. I know you never knew him, but I think you'd get a kick out of each other, especially when you're more yourself.

I love you, Buck. See you soon.

Steve.