All so quiet now.. People I've talked to for years just suddenly stop and it leaves me questioning why. Did I do something wrong? Was I bad again? I swear I've been trying to do good now..
It's been a while since I've sat down and written what goes through my head thought the day and to be honest it hasn't done me any good, keeping it all inside. It's caused so many bumps in the road that sometimes cause a lot of damage.
I find myself being quite hypocritical. Telling people to not keep things bottle up to let fester when that's exactly what I do every day. Not let anyone see how hurt I am by a comment. Not let anyone notice that I can't stop crying because I'm upset over something silly. Not let someone get close enough to see the not so okay me.
But yes, everyone's moving on.. Either because they've lost interest in me or find me too irritating to tolerate. Which I do not begrudge anyone. I find myself annoying so why shouldn't they?
Someone I've known for a long time called me an idiot in recent months and I stopped and had to agree with him. I am an idiot. I'm an idiot for letting people hurt me. I'm an idiot because I let people say or do whatever they want and accept it with a smile, because what? I believe I deserve it? Yes. I do.
I've lost the ability to defend myself. I've lost the ability to care what happens to me because in the end I hurt all the same.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm too clingy. I'm sorry I'm too annoying. I'm sorry I can't be enough. I'm sorry I'm an idiot. I'm just.. Sorry. . Really really sorry..
X
