Chasing Our Dreams [f.a]

Grande Premio de Brasil, Sao Paulo

~ AGE 34 ~

MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA

I stepped of the plane on the Australian ground on Sunday morning, after God know how long flight. Twenty-something hours on the plane, and four hours in Dubai to be more precise. I had only my backpack, the one I carried around for my Spanish train-trips, with essential things in it. I never expected that I would end up in Melbourne. When I realized what I have done, when I was waiting for my transfer flight, I called to ask for someone to pick me up at the airport, so I could manage to be at the Melbourne track on time. I walked out to see a familiar, smiling face waiting for me.

''Alonso, welcome.'' he hugged me and somehow I felt safe.

''You called me Alonso.'' I said and kissed his cheek.

''I can call you Princess if you prefer, but I think we're way past that point. I mean it, welcome.'' Kimi Raikkonen said and opened the door of the car for me to get in.

''How come you are here? Shouldn't you be driving the practise? You have a race to drive later...'' I asked. I called Kimi to send someone to pick me up. I didn't mean him.

''I don't care about the race. The car is a bunch of crap, not much I can do with it. You called - I came. Tell me, how are you?'' Kimi always asked me how I was. He would call in the middle of the night just to check up on me.

''Today or in general?'' I asked.

''Both.''

''Not good, in general. I miss him. It hurts just the way it did the first day. Today, however, I'm scared.''

''What are you scared off?''

''Liking it here. Feeling good again.'' I admitted.

Just a day earlier I went to a grave yard and then to a train station. I talked to Fernando, told him how I would come back again the next day. I just wanted to take some space, to clear my mind, I purchased the ticket for Madrid. It's not a long ride, I would take a walk and have a coffee in Madrid, then I would come back the same day. I was sitting on the train, and all I could think about is how the season started, and that guys have driven first free practise. I was missing out on everything, because I couldn't make myself watch it on TV. I couldn't bare the sound, the feeling and how the world moved on without Fernando. I missed my station and the train took me to the Madrid airport. And then, instead of going back, I've found myself buying a one way plane ticket to Melbourne. Because, at that moment it was the only right thing to do.

The closest thing I came to Formula One after 2014 Brazilian Grand Prix was when I tried to go to pre-season testings in Jerez. It was the end of February, and Ferrari still had only one signed driver. That was my first flight after Brazil, I thought I could make it. But then, I arrived at the circuit and I froze. I took out my phone and called the only person I could talk to, and the only person who would leave the place and be with me. 

Kimi Raikkonen was one person I would turn to when the things got rough. I was way deep in therapy, but nothing was helping. My psychiatrist knew nothing about me and nothing about Fernando, she was just babbling about how I need to move on and live my life. Late at night I would pick up the phone and call Kimi and we would just remember the times when we all had fun together. At some point we all gotten together, Kimi, Fernando and me. No matter what was going on between me and Kimi, he always stood by my side. Once we found ourselves, we weren't letting go.

''How are you today?'' Kimi asked me one question he would always ask me when he called.

''Not so good. I thought I could do this.'' I said.

''I won't shit you how it gets better. I know nothing about it. But you're a strong girl, London, maybe the strongest among all I have ever met. It will get better, eventually. Maybe not today, maybe in a month, maybe in a year. But you are still you, and you are somewhere inside. Don't listen to those stupid doctors, they know nothing about you and Fernando. You were the one who knew him, only you. You just need to think about it, where would he wanted you to be? What did he wish for you? But trust me, you will find a way.'' for the first time in a long time, someone was telling right things to me.

''You're thinking about it, that day in Jerez?'' Kimi asked me as he stopped the car at the parking lot, as we arrived at the circuit. ''Do you think you can do this?''

I wasn't quite sure. I had no idea if I put myself through whole that mess just not to make it.

''Maybe. I have to... Try... You have to take me there.'' I sighed.

''Do you want to go to the Ferrari with me, or you want to stay with your team?'' Kimi asked me as we were approaching the pit lane. People on the sides of the grid were looking at me, probably not believing I was there.

''Who did they sign?''

''Hulkenberg.'' Kimi simply replied.

''He's good. Talented. I was the right choice. Fernando would approve.'' my whole body was shaking, but I somehow felt like I was at the right place. ''I'm gonna go to Mercedes. They're at the end of the lane... ''

I moved passed pit lane and I could see the cars, one by one had their noses painted black. All of the cars, all of the teams. I could feel the light breeze in my hair and it was so familiar. It felt like he was next to me. He was all over the place.

Lewis Hamilton was the first person to see me at the Mercedes' garage.

''London, we missed you. Welcome.'' my driver and my champion said.

''Thanks, Lewis. Could you take me to the car?''

And there it was. The majestic silver car, newly constructed by the Mercedes' engineers, all by my designs, everything as I said. I wasn't there for four months, but as if they knew I would come back. I felt huge weight being lifted of my shoulders, and I felt a sudden relief. Where once stood hash tag in Michael's support, there was another one.

#SleepTightFernando

I traced the black letters on the car with my finger and I realized. I was looking the wrong way all the time. The only place I could be, and the only place where I belonged was Formula One. Fernando was watching over me. But he couldn't watch over me in Oviedo, he had to be here too! This was our safe place, and it was our home. We searched for years to find ourselves, but then, as if miracle happened. We were reunited at the grid, both being in his own team, but being together. Against all odds, a boy and a girl met at the age of five and spent their lives together. Destiny fooled us and took a lot of years we were supposed to live together, but for brief moment - we had it all. 

And we had it all at the track, on the grid - during Formula One season. 

Fernando Alonso was the only person I have ever genuinely loved. And the only person I will ever love. 

Fernando Alonso was my best friend. 

The love of my life. 

He made me the person I was. It was him because whom I fell in love with racing cars, with Formula One, and because of him, I decided that I wanted to design cars, just to be close to him - to spend my life with him.

It wasn't the train rides, or the grave yard in Oviedo. Fernando's body maybe is in Oviedo, but there is no other place he could be than travelling around the world with the F1 circus. I didn't need to move on, I just needed to be here. Because here is the only place he would always be with me.

We had our dreams. And he once said that his dream is nothing, if he doesn't have me by his side. But he always had me. And he always will.

Excitement of the crowd, smell of tyres and noise of the engines made me realize one thing - I was at the right place. We were both at the right place.

Finally.

~ THE END ~