Diary of a Broken Doll

Friends

I have a friend. Drew. Well other than Camille, I mean. I sneak out with him some nights. Just an hour or so. Nothing sexual, I just ride with him. He would drop off a few packages and take me home. I just wanted to get away for a minute and that worked for him.

I had to watch him though. I didn't trust him and that Cheshire cat smile and those little dimples as far as I could throw him. So I carried a knife with me when I went with him. I never knew what I would do with it or if I would do anything with it. It just made me feel a little better.

Sometimes Drew would take me to Krystal's and buy me chili cheese fries. Once in a while he would say, "Oh let me put you up on something," and give me a CD that he wanted me to hear.

I felt like I would have to pay him back one day. That's how Mama said it went. "People do stuff for you 'cause they want something from you. If they say they don't want nothing, they lying." So she would say I shouldn't have taken it.She especially hates when Ms. Benita buys me something.

"You want them folks thinking I raised a freeloader? You out yo damn mind!" She raged. Who was she fooling she didn't raise me period, I thought as she went on. "You ain't staying over there no more unless Benita come ask me her damn self anyway. What she too good to come to this neighborhood? That bitch think she so much!" Mama rambled on after Ms. Benita bought me a pair of shoes. Hell she didn't ever buy me shit.

"What you do to get them? You ain't nothing but a little slut! Wanna play so innocent. You ain't staying over there with that fake bitch no more!" Mama sneered snatching the shoes and slinging them at me by the strings.

Hurriedly I wiped away any sign of tears. I had quickly learned that crying didn't make things better and sometimes made them worse. By the age of ten I had found pride in not showing her any emotion.

I laid on my bed staring at the clock. I watched intently as each second ticked by. I wanted to make damn sure she was long gone before I left. After twenty minutes I started to pack a couple of outfits, a night gown, underwear, a toothbrush, and socks. As I zipped up the bag I decide to throw in my Apple Jacks.

I sat on the edge of the bed and counted the money I had been saving. I had been sneaking out to wash dishes and vacuum twice a week for Mrs. Winkle, the old lady two houses down, for five dollars. I had saved up forty three dollars. All I needed for a ticket to the nearest city was fifty but I wanted to have a lil something in my pocket too.

I wanted to get the hell away. My dad's mother lived there, last I knew. He was in prison and wrote me a lot. Sometimes I would find letters already opened in Mama's room. My grandma use to send me a lot of cards. Mama would take the money out saying it was for her since she was taking care of me.

Thirty-eight minutes had passed by the time I tiptoed down the hall and out the door. As soon as I felt the sunshine beaming on my face I made a run for it. Luckily Camille and her mama were dropping her brother off close to my house at five. It was just after four-thirty. I would kill time at the park until they made it.

As I sat in a swing and wrote the alphabet with my feet I noticed some guys from school Lance and Jamar walking by. Me and Camille had a crushes on Lance but we were both too scared to say something. We always got quiet as hell when he walked by and bust out laughing when he left.

"You go to Eastside don't you?" Lance asked his pearly white teeth glistening against his smooth dark skin.

"Mmm hmm." I confirm trying not to blush at the fact that he recognized me.

Jamar told me he was having a 17th birthday party and invited me to come. "How old you is?" He asked.

"Fifteen." I answered.

"Yeah you should come through." He said pointing to a house across from the park. "That's where I live. The party Friday night at 830."

"What you doin out here by yoself?" Lance wondered.

"Waiting on a ride and watching them boys play basketball." I motion toward the court.

"Oh I thought you was a low key drug dealer or something." He laughed.

"I'm too young to be selling drugs." I laughed too.

"Shit." He chuckled and flashed a bankroll. "I guess you too young for money too." He looked at his friend who started laughing too.

"Naw I wouldn't say that." I shake my head.

"Well I could use somebody innocent looking that know how to keep they mouth closed on my team." He looked into my eyes. I bust out laughing. "Shit I'm dead serious." He confirmed.

"Oh I don't know nothing bout doing that." I frowned.

"Hell I could show you what you need to know." He shrugged. "Ain't nothing to it. Keep everything on the down low and don't steal." He looked into my eyes waiting for a response.

"I don't know." I finally say. I start thinking about how much I need that money to get the hell away from here. I don't know how long it would take but slow progress is better than no progress. "How long it'll take me to get that much?" I ponder aloud.

"Don't expect to get what I get but I will take care of you. Make sure you straight you know." He answers. "Depends on what you do, you know."

"Yeah." I nod. "I will see." I say.

"Well call me when you make up your mind. Put my number in your phone." He reached out for my phone.

"I don't have a phone." I admit.

"See that's why you need to fuck with me." Lance grins.

"Tell me I will remember it." I tell him.

"Yeah right." He laughs.

"For real." I state.

"Yeah ok." He shakes his head and says the number aloud. I get him to repeat it before he jogs away to catch up with Jamar.

As bad as I want to get the hell away from here it's almost worth finding out what he talking about.