Tortured - Jaele

|| Chapter Thirtynine ||

Riele -

The roof of the rehabilitation center was a Zen garden for the Thai Chi students who came up to do yoga in the morning. I found myself up there, leaning over the side railing and letting the pungent smell of Pico de Quito waft up from the open streets of Argentina. On an evening like this one, I walked out onto the roof in my little white robe and instantly felt better. There was a light breeze blowing, tossing and shoving my messy hair around my eyes and mouth. Shuffling over to the railing, I hooked my finger onto the hair around my nose and pulled it back behind my ear. My hair has gotten impossibly long these past few months and although I promised myself I would cut it I couldn't bring myself to. Not just yet. If I could sleep up on this roof I know that I would. It was cooler than my room, larger, and warmer and inviting. The paper laters strung across black awnings gave off a firefly glow that soothed the ache of my depression.

As much as I hated to admit it, I missed my mother. Losing my sanity it what drove her to submit an application to this place in my name. I knew she meant well and that all she wanted was the old fun, loving, and sensible Riele back. I wanted her back too, but that girl was long gone. Died along with Chance and Miracle. The baby I never had the chance to meet. I found out about her gender on the day of the miscarriage. I named her Miracle because it would have been a miracle that she had survived through everything I'd been through. I didn't like to think of her that often and had suppressed the memories for as long as I could. A chill ran through my spine and goosebumps rose on my skin as I let my eyes shut for a brief moment. And then there was Jace. He was here, as real as the paint on the walls.

I knew inside that I wasn's as abhorred by seeing him as I had let on. In some kind of poisoned way, I had actually found myself missing him. O the better days we shared together, the ones where he wasn't so angry and I wasn't so afraid. He would smile at me in a way that made my toes curl with electricity and I can't believe I'm actually thinking of him in this way, but maybe in another life... Another universe. I would meet him again and give a second chance. A chance to walk up to me, smile the way he had when he wasn't hell-bent on killing me, utter some kind of corny pickup line and ask for my number. I'd let that Jace hold my hand and walk through Central Park with me as he told me funny stories about his daughter. I'd allow myself to sympathize with him over his ex-wife and offer my comforting support.

I'd like to meet that Jace. One day when we've grown closer than ever before, I'd tell him about my dreams, my hopes, my fears, and aspirations. And we'd be inseparable. For now, death seemed so far away and I'd really love to meet that Jace. Something deep and urging was pressed into my heart as I stood there. This railing overlooking the city turned into a platform and suddenly I was climbing up the side of it, bracing myself against the wind. I could feel it drying my tears as I began to descend down a heavy moment of self-pity. I felt so sorry for myself, so confused, so lost.

Behind me, I heard a shuffling and turned my head to see who had snuck out on the roof without me noticing their presence. I caught a glimpse of blonde hair and inhaled a swift, brave breath. I stood on the railing, letting that soft bosa nova breeze ripple through my rope like a dry wave. I waited for him to say something. Anything. If he didn't, I'd let this breeze shift my weight and let nature take its course. As I thought about it, it seemed silly to wait for him to say something. What could he possibly say to make this all okay?

"Wow, you must really hate me."

Hearing his voice filled me with relief and a nostalgia I wanted to resent. Instead of grateful, I became angry and annoyed.

"I don't have enough hate for someone like you."

I replied, in an evenly calm tone.

"If anyone had enough I would have thought it would be you, but you're different."

My back was turned to him, but I could just see his dark brown eyes so focused and calculating. The gentle curve of his mouth, and his straight nose.

"You mean I wouldn't let what you did consume me? That's where you're wrong. The strongest woman in the world would have been broken by you and it wouldn't take much."

The breeze blows in a deafening silence and then he spoke again. This time his tone was soft and less judgemental. It was also closer behind me than it had been before.

"I didn't mean to interrupt you, Riele. I just saw you, and- I thought even after all this time it was best that I apologize and tell you that even though I can't take back anything that happened between us it wasn't your fault. None of it was your fault."

I didn't say anything, I let him speak.

"You're not stupid, you're the smartest woman I've ever met. All of the terrible and insane things that I put you through, I can't tell you how sorry I am about it. Being here has made me realize a lot what I did wrong, complete owned by my infatuation I pursued you in the most horrible way possible. I take full responsibility for ruining your life... And for that, I think you deserve mine in return."

Unexpectedly, Jace climbed onto the railing beside me. When I looked over at him I could see the tears in his eyes. They reflected my own and that look od unrelenting guilt ripped at the hard outer shell that I encased myself in. I didn't want to feel this compassion for him, it confused me. It made me angry at myself and my judgment. But his offer was screaming in my face, begging me to react to him.

"I don't feel sorry for you."

I told him, in a harsh arctic voice. He only nodded and looked out across the sunset sliding out of the sky like slow-falling sap.

"I don't want you to."

"You think you can just jump off this building and fix everything? Fix my life? Bring back my baby and restore my sanity?"

I squinted at him as my tears were now slipping down my cheeks in an act of rebellion. A look of hurt confusion crossed Jace's face as he stared at me.

"You were pregnant?"

"By Chance."

I said firmly, stuffing my hands into the pockets of my robe. Jace continued staring at me, and his face contorted into an expression that he had made an unforgivable mistake. Which he had. Many times over.

"Riele, Chance had a vasectomy four years ago."

He lowered his head as he said this and suddenly, as I let the realization sink in... It was too much for me. Jace hopped down from the rail just in time to catch me as my legs gave way. Everything faded to black.

Thanks for reading! I know, I know, I've been falling behind on the updates but summer vacay has been on and I've been trying not to stress.