When I tell people my first relationship was when I was twenty-one they assume I grew up Amish.
They also assume I'm an insanely repressed, closeted homosexual. Considering I'm only twenty-six, there's still plenty of time for me to explore my gay side. I can even picture myself at age fifty, getting my balls stepped on by a guy wearing a leather mask and screaming expletives in my face. The saddest part is that not only did I experience my first relationship at twenty-one, it was also the age when I had my first kiss. I swear I'm not Amish. The gay thing is questionable.
One night I was hanging out at a friend's house and she had a new roommate who was from Canada. I have an unhealthy obsession with Canada. I watch all their shows, I know all their catchphrases, and I try to incorporate "aboot" into my speech as often as possible. I don't know what got me so hooked on the maple people. Maybe it was the imaginary relationship I had with Avril Lavigne when I was thirteen? Or maybe it was the moment Jimmy got shot on Degrassi, which made me empathize with the whole country. Either way, I had maple syrup running through my veins, and not just because I used to drink Aunt Jemima out of the bottle.
When I met this new roommate I wanted to know everything about her. That's a lie. I wanted to know everything about her homeland and why they drank milk out of bags. We talked for hours and she educated me on everything I ever wanted to know about Canada. I learned why they like ketchup chips and why they are all so polite. She was like a real-life Wikipedia, and all I had to do was type in a question and she would pop out the answer. We hung out for the next week or so, and I don't think either of us was thinking it would be anything more than a friendship based on the mutual love of her homeland.
The third time we hung out I went over to her place to pick her up and she was crying in the parking lot with a suitcase. This was the beginning of the end of our friendship.
Me: What's wrong?
Canadian: I got kicked out of my apartment.
Me: What? Why??
Canadian: We got into a fight about something stupid and she kicked me out.
Me: Where are you going to go?
Canadian: I don't know. I'll have to find a place.
Me: Well . . . you can stay with me till you find one.
And that, my friends, was the dumbest idea I had ever had. Hey, girl that I just started hanging out with, wanna MOVE IN?! I didn't realize how insane it sounded because to me I just saw a friend in need, but at the age of twenty-one having a girl move into your small apartment isn't something sane people do. She reluctantly said yes because she really didn't have another option. That night we were lying in bed watching TV. I repeat: LYING IN BED WATCHING TV. Another not-so-bright idea when you are twenty-one and friends with a girl. Anyways, we were lying in bed watching TV and we started to cuddle. Now, this was the first time I had ever cuddled with a girl if you don't count my mom. My mom and I used to cuddle on the couch and watch shows about women getting brutally murdered, but that's another story. As we cuddled we both eyed each other with an "Are we doing this?" look. I'm not sure either of us was actually super interested in dating the other, but we were both lonely and sad so it just kind of happened. We decided not to kiss or do anything, mainly because we were nervous but also because we were halfway through an episode of Hoarders and we didn't want to miss the part where the guy found all the woman's dead cats.
The next morning we woke up and went to breakfast. It was the first time I had ever been to breakfast with a girl so I didn't know how to act. I assumed everybody in the restaurant thought we'd had sex that night and were there to replenish, but that wasn't the case. I didn't want people to think I did that, especially since at the time I was pretty religious and the thought of having sex before marriage made my guilty Christian penis crawl back up inside my guilty Christian body. We didn't really talk much during breakfast. I think we both realized that after all the Canada talk we didn't really have that much in common.
