A Feast of Scraps - A Captain America Fanfiction

Ch 2 - Survivor

Getting him back to my safe house was a mad series of carefully choreographed stages. I kept having these little bursts of joy, seeing him turn the back of his shoulder near mine to scan his side the area, all those small movement that added up to being our own solid unit of two. And then the guilt would rise up that I was putting him through this kind of pressure so quickly after revival. I knew it was selfish, but for once, that wasn't enough to stop me.

We were both on high alert as we pulled the zodiac up onto the beach eleven hours later. We walked the beach and rocky bluff of our tiny island together, neither of us content to stop and rest until we'd secured the perimeter ourselves. I'd chosen a small enough amount of land that we could know and watch every inch of it. We left the house for last and of course, he searched the place from bottom to top. While he was upstairs, I ran a few extra security checks on the computer.

We were restless and it was hard to accept that we might just have gotten away with it. Now we just had to lay low. Easier said than done. I had to fight the urge to contact Natasha. They'd be watching her now more than ever and letting her know we were safe wasn't worth the risk to her or to us.

God, there was an us now. Yes, it was the two of us against the world, but I could live with that if I got to have Bucky at my back again.

He came down the stairs without making a sound, so light on his feet despite his bulky frame. I was hyper aware of his presence at my shoulder. He felt like a live electrical conductor, vibrating with energy. I kept my eyes on the screen. "Security looks good. I've got cameras and heat sensors over the whole island. All the mammals are tagged so they won't keep setting off the alarms."

"Steve."

"Yeah?"

"We can talk here?"

"Sure. I think this is as safe as we're going to get for a while."

He turned my chair around so I had to look up at him. He glowered down at me, his arms crossed, his hair wild around his head. "So, how am I safe for you?"

I felt small with him towering over me, just like the old days. I never felt small anymore, and maybe it would have almost been nice if I hadn't known I had some serious explaining to do. I stood up and walked past him into the kitchen. Buck might not like this. Ok, Buck would definitely not like this. It needed saying, but maybe not anywhere near our main computer.

I opened the fridge and looked at all the provisions Natasha had delivered. I got out the orange juice and said, "You weren't safe there. Ok, temporarily it worked, but it was just a matter of time before someone figured out where you were and came for you. Either side. Both would be trouble." I took down some plastic cups. At least he couldn't shatter them into a weapon. Although, knowing him, he didn't need to if he wanted out of here. I'd let the animal out of its cage and he was truly free to go where he would now. I had no illusions that I could watch him every second or that I would necessarily be able to stop him if he bolted.

I poured the juice and turned back to him. He was leaning in the wide doorway, arms still crossed. I took a sip and then offered it to him. He just looked at it and then back at me with his cut-the-shit face on. I drank some more.

I took a deep breath. "So, I started digging. I figured if they programmed you to go into this receptive mode, well then they also programmed a series of cues or words to bring you out of it. Natasha and I went back to the base where the other Winter Soldiers had been stored. She downloaded the hard drives there before SHIELD got in and locked everything down." I waved a hand, "Long story, but we found them. The words. Both the ones that make you... not you, and the ones that bring you back."

Bucky's face went blank.

"We destroyed all the files we could. But," I shrugged, "she and I both have seen the lists. We both memorized them." I set my glass down and took a couple steps towards him, but not too close. "I'm sorry I had to trust her with this, but if something happens to me... we needed another way to bring you back."

He gave a tiny nod but his eyes slid away from mine, focused on something over my shoulder.

"I know this gives her and I power over you. I know that's... disturbing, but I think this is the best for now. With this, we can work on deprogramming together so that none of it can get to you at all. I know you want to be able to trust yourself again. I'm sorry I can't give you that yet."

He shook his head. "Jesus, Steve." His eyes snapped back to mine. "Fuck what I want. Bringing me out means you're playing with a seriously destructive threat to you. You had no way to test any of this. You don't know if it's going to work or not. And what is this going to do to your wanted man status? You were safer with me under lock and key and you know it."

I looked down at the floor. "I'm sorry."

"Not good enough."

"Aren't you happy to be out?" I risked meeting his eyes with an almost smile.

His deep scowl was pretty impressively intimidating. "That doesn't matter."

I stepped closer. "Of course it does. It's who you are. You're a survivor. You could have blown your own brains out long ago, but you didn't. I know you want to live and I love that about you. I'll be damned if you only start living after I'm dead."

We stared at each other and I wished I wasn't breathing hard enough for him to see the rapid rise and fall of my chest.

"You're pretty hard to kill," he said. He didn't smile, but his eyes softened a little.

I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed. "So are you. Thank god."

He did smile then. Just with one side of his mouth, but I felt the weight of all I'd done lift a little. Maybe it would be ok. I had this urge to pull him to me, to feel the reassurance of the flesh and blood of him, but I couldn't quite do it. I needed him. I needed someone who could match me in a fight, who could withstand the kind of craziness and violence that was always going to be a reality in my life.

Author's Note:

Do I get accused of painting the world pink and gay-ifying stories that have no gay in them? Yes, yes I do. But with this one, I'll make my case. 

Steve and Bucky go beyond bro-mance and into, quite literally, I would die for you, I would give up everyone and everything for you kinda soul-bonded love. Is that a gay thing? Of course not. It's a love thing. Would it be nice if 2 lost souls that love each other to death and beyond could satisfy each other in all ways? Me, I'd count that as a bonus. What do you think? I'd like to hear if this story influences you one way or another. Now, and also when you read to the end. 

Giveaways

I should mention that I'm also giving away the first 3 chapters of my latest published novel, Root of the Spark. It's a science fiction novel with a strong love story and LGBT elements. More about that here http://michelefogal.com/newsletter/