Pulse

Chapter 11

Lucie

Honestly, I wished to be anywhere else but crammed in one of the library's study rooms, the bleached yellow walls seeming to close in on me. The air conditioning whirred steadily in the background as Jiya turned page after page in the textbook, her reading glasses on the end of her nose as she studied. We sat a wooden rectangular table that took up seventy-five percent of the room, a package of animal crackers from the vending machine between us. I reached idly for one, my math homework untouched in front of me.

I remembered when I used to enjoy these quiet afternoons, catching a ride with Jiya to the library after school, studying until our brains were fried and we decided to head back to my house and watch TV instead. Now, however, all I could think about was what Cian was up to. I hadn't spoken to him or Vinny in the past two days, and the more the silence drove on, the more my curiosity began to drive me up a wall. Had they found something? Anything? Maybe they'd show up with Dempsey right there in front of me, alive and breathing. Yeah, that's it. Maybe they already found him, maybe—

"Alright," Jiya said with a sigh, slamming her textbook shut and shoving it aside. She sat back in her chair, taking off her reading glasses and hooking them on her shirt collar. She combed hair away from her face and eyed me levelly. Ah, I knew that look. Unfortunately. "You're acting weird again. Come on. There's something you're not telling me. Is it drugs? I mean, you were hallucinating last week."

"Hallucinating!" I bit my tongue. It was best to keep Vinny a secret for now. Cian, too. "I don't know," I rephrased. "I must have been sick, Jiya. It's no biggie."

"Are you sure it's not because of—"

I cut her off sharply. "Not everything has to do with Dempsey."

"His candlelight vigil's tonight," observed Jiya, blinking long eyelashes at me. She reached for an animal cracker, a nondescript and blobby giraffe. "You're going, right?"

I widened my eyes at her. As if I'd miss something as important as that. "No, Jiya, I'm going to skip the candlelight vigil in which the whole community is coming to mourn my brother and even Caden. Nope. I'm staying home." Something tickled in the back of my throat as Jiya smiled at me. I hadn't thought much about it before, but they'd both died on the same night. There had to be something weird about that, right?

Okay, I was overthinking things. It was pure coincidence. A tragic coincidence, but a coincidence nonetheless.

Just as quick as Jiya's smile had been there, it faded. "I'm worried about you, you know. Not just because of Dempsey, but because you don't seem to remember..."

I stared at her. "What? Remember what?"

Jiya's eyes rounded for a moment, before her gaze cut away towards the floor. She coughed. "Nothing. Nevermind. I'm here, though, Monty, if you ever want to talk, or anything."

I turned a grin towards her, reaching to pat her hand. My mom was right; Jiya was a sweet girl, nothing if not selfless in every way possible. There was nothing I could ask her for that she wouldn't give to me, provided it made me happy. I don't even know what I would have done without her these past few years. "I appreciate that, Jiya. Thanks."

She grinned at me, then slid her glasses back on and opened up her book. "Well, good talk. Now do some math, and I'm going to read more about quantum physics. Hurray."

I managed to laugh a little, but froze, the smile on my face fading when I noticed a figure lurking beyond the study room's door. It was Vinny, peering in through the window, a pensive expression on his young face. To my surprise, he looked almost mournful, as if he was about to do something he didn't want to do. His eyes met mine, and he widened them at me, mouthing, Outside.

I was glad he wasn't forcefully moving my pencil, so I obeyed. "Jiji," I said, and she glanced up as I got to my feet. I nearly tripped over my own backpack on my way to the door. "I'm going to the bathroom. I'll be back in a sec."

She nodded, so I shouldered open the door, shutting it behind me. Vinny and I were standing near the magazine section now, which was thankfully vacant at the moment. His blond hair was like white string in this light; in fact, everything of him was pale, especially the azure of his eyes as he looked at me. "Lucie," he said.

"What is it? Did you and Cian find something?"

He bit his lip. "Speaking of which, Cian asked for you. He's at the vending machine."

I looked in the direction of the front hall, where the device was located. "Vending machine? What?"

When I turned back, however, Vinny had vanished into thin air. With a sigh, I cursed his sudden appearing and disappearing abilities and went on my way towards the source of Jiya's and my animal crackers.

When I reached the front hall, the vestibule's door hissing shut behind me, the first noise I heard was a rather ferocious thudding. I rounded the corner, my feet soundless against the gray-blue carpet. It was darker in here than it was in the library, the vending machine lending the angel's face an eerie glow.

As usual, Cian was wearing a hoodie, half of his face hidden from me by the hood drawn up on his head. He was hitting the vending machine repeatedly with his fists, cursing at it and then cursing again when he realized he couldn't curse. The whole situation was so amusing that I almost didn't want to interrupt, but the involuntary action of my laughter did so anyhow.

He turned, the scars on his face like etched pencil lines. He lowered his fist with a shy grin. "Oh. Didn't see you there."

I stuck my hands in my pockets and ambled over, leaning to get a closer look. "Having some trouble?" I asked, though it was obvious he was.

Cian pointed to distinguish the bag of Goldfish stuck in the machine mid-fall. "There's a reason I hate vending machines, and we'll leave it at that," he said, then swiveled back towards me. For a moment, his mouth opened, then he closed it again. His face was flushed. Only then did I notice how close we were suddenly standing to each other, practically breathing the same air. The scent of shampoo lingered on his hair, and I could see the depths of his steely eyes, the overlapping tendrils within them. He coughed, the first to take a step back.

He averted his eyes. "I need to talk to you."

"Vinny said so."

"You're not going to like it."

Both the sorrow of his voice and my own dumb optimism made me freeze up a little. Though I'd tried to convinced myself it wasn't there, there was that sliver of hope inside of me that I'd secretly been fueling. I had wanted to believe there was a chance, just a chance. I kicked a Pop Tart wrapper beneath the buzzing vending machine. "He's dead, isn't he?" though it was a question, my voice was flat, like a stranger's. I didn't recognize myself. "My brother. Dempsey. You found out he's dead."

Cian turned his eyes back to me again, and they were odd to look at here, one lit up by the light of the machine beside us, the other shadowed under the edge of his hood. On Cian's face, there was a pained look, as if he hated to do this. "Lucie," he murmured, "I'm sorry. I really am. I wanted this to turn out better."

"But it didn't, Cian, and nothing's going to change that now," I said a bit sourly. I spared one more glance at the fear, the sympathy in his countenance, and tried to act like his pity made me feel better. I failed. "Thanks for trying, but I guess I should have known in the end."

Cian reached for me, and his hand closed around my wrist for a moment. He hesitated and dropped it. "Lucie, please."

I turned away before he could see my tears. "Vinny was right," I hissed. "I'm stupid. I'm so stupid. I can't see what's right in front of me."

"This isn't your fault, Lucie," said Cian from behind me.

I didn't look at him. "But it is. Everything always is."