I haven't slept and I write stuff

dull

dull dull dull dull
grey grey grey grey
life has lost its color
i've plunged into this bottomless pit of sadness and hatred and there seems to be no way out
you know that line from that song in hamilton
"i imagine death so much it feels like a memory"
because that's how i feel
it happened suddenly
like a trapdoor of sorts
falling falling falling
i hate everything about myself
if you asked me to name something that i liked about myself i'd probably laugh
i can't
i've tried
i'm not writing this for your pity or your sadness
i'm writing it because i don't have anything else i can do
nowhere else to go
no one to talk to
they all say they care
they'll listen
they lie
i'm important to them
they say that
lie lie lie lie lie lie lie
but if it were a choice between me or someone else in our "friend group" it would be the other
last choice last choice last choice
my family still won't use my name
my mom tried for awhile but now she won't
broken broken broken broken broken
how truly sad
that the only person who can succeed in making me smile
doesn't know who i am
doesn't give even half of a shit about me
because as far as he's concerned i've never existed, or dead
how pathetic of me that the only person that can make me feel anything but blue
is a fucking idol
i love him
i truly do
why though
i can't understand how i love someone who i don't know
we don't even speak the same language for fucks sake
but i love him
i want his happiness and health more than anything in the world
lee jooheon
my light in the darkest of worlds