Smile

Chapter 16- Just Me Now

Lately I haven't talked to anyone. As in, I haven't had the courage or motivation to.

I got into a argument with Julia not so long ago. It was mainly about me not telling her what was wrong, because, as you already know, I have been quiet.

I don't even try messaging people. I have just been by myself, thinking, awaaayyy in the world, writing, doing whatever comes to intrest. I feel as if, I annoy others. And if I said that to those people, they'd say the same ol' "No you don't. I love you!", yeah yeah I know I know, but that still doesn't change my mind.

Things happened with Josh. It was horrific.

Josh is like my big brother. His grandparents wouldn't let him in the house and they apparently said he was going to a mental hospital right in that second. He called me crying, panicking, he said he fucked up. I cried too of course.

Josh isn't a bad person at all, but he has a lot of negativity and, depression. I have been helping him for 2 years and it seems to be I helped only 50%, half way but not 100%. He loves me and I love him. He's gay and has been having a lot of stupid feelings for this dude named Mitch.

Yes, I say stupid feelings because Mitch is straight!! Josh has been so attached to Mitch and always send paragraphs after paragraphs a week to Mitch of how much he loves him and wants to be with him or he's "giving up" on Mitch when Josh knows he wants someone he can't have. I get the sadness of it, but something about Mitch makes me mad.

I remind him and give as much advice to help and he takes it. But doesn't stick with it much. This time is different though. He blocked Mitch. I mean, this is like the 100th time he's done it but, he's blocked him for 2 days. That's the longest he's done it.

Although I dislike Mitch. Every time Josh has the same words and same emotional breakdowns directed to Mitch, Mitch always says "No no don't leave. I need you. Please stay", like a whiny little puppy!! It bugs me so much because it's a endless cycle of the same bullshit.

This is why I encourage Josh to leave Mitch alone. Mitch never gave Josh a chance but he's always rubbing things in. It's so complicated and UGH!!!!

Rather than that, Josh did get a few hours at the hospital and got out later that night. He's been prescribed a psychiatrist and therapist. Therefore, I'm happy he's getting some professional help. I just want him to be happy, safe, because Josh is sure as hell loved by me. 

I sometimes walk downtown by the library alone. I know it's a sudden statement but I go there alone and it kind of feels great. But at the same time it sucks. People rarely ask me to hang out and I've came to the conclusion to just accept it. My point is, I wish someone would come down there with me alone and just talk, eat and jam out or something like that.

I mean, Josh does it with me but with his grandparents and personal things, he's rarely around. I would ask Julia but she has her bestest friends and other things probably planned.

I would ask Emily but idek if she could come, basically I'm mostly there by myself. Silence and everything around me feels so still and non-existent.

I'm looking to feel alive, like I could feel everything move and be able to feel something. I know that sounds cliche and cheesy, but its true. I hope someone one day feels the same, but wants to do it with me. It can be a friend or relationship, I don't care, I just want to feel like I can breath again.

Where to go from here. Man, oh, man.