They Found Out | C.F. & O2L

Chapter 21

I hope this isn't too late...
Hope you like it!!

Connor's P.O.V.
The boys stayed a little longer to look after Shawn and Hayes. Hayes had a break down, because he felt terrible for what he did to Shawn. He had fallen asleep a little later. I took my car, plugged in my phone and put on some good music.

When I got home, I stood still in front of a shut door. The house seems quiet, but I know how loud it can be. I take out my keys and unlock the door. Entering the house, I look around. I close the door behind me and stay still. I lean my head against the door while holding onto the doorknob. I want to scream and get everything out.

I finally let go of the doorknob and walked into the living room. I took off my coat and dumped it on the ground. I emptied out my pockets on the table and sat down on the couch. I look at my hands and fumble with my fingers. I listen intently to every sound, which is nothing. It's completely silent. I imagine the boys goofing around and hear them yell at each other, for fun or just to swear at someone.

I laugh at something I remembered from last week. Ricky was raiding the cupboards in the kitchen for as much food as he could find. Later on, Jc wanted to do the same, only to find the filthiest foods. He blamed Kian for not doing the groceries well. Kian got mad at him, because he had done the groceries the day before and thought Jc had already ate everything after he had put it away yesterday.

I heard the boys enter the house. They are laughing their asses off. They were silent when they entered the living room. Probably saw me sitting there in silence, looking down at the ground and most likely really depressed. I scold myself for thinking this. Of course I'm depressed. Stop denying it!

"Connor?" Kian was the first to speak. I don't look up at him. Troye walks over and sits down next to me. "What's wrong?" He asks me. I turn my head towards him, but keep looking down at the ground. "Talk to us Connor." Kian speaks up. I can hear the disappointment in his voice. "How are the boys?" I ask them. "They were fine. Asleep when we left." Kian tells me.

I nod towards him. "How are you?" He shoots back at me. I shrug. "Not sure." I use my words. I stand up in order to go to my room, but before I get to pass the boys, Tyler stops me. "You can't hide out forever. You might want to talk now." He says. I know he's right. I just don't want him to be right. I don't want to talk. There's nothing wrong with me. Well, nothing specific, right?

"What about?" I snap at him. He gives me a look. I sigh. "I really don't know what about. Can't I be moody without being labeled as depressed?" I ask him. "No, you can't and you know damn well why." He tells me. He thinks I'm going to kill myself. "Oh how much you trust me." I tell him. He gives me another look. "I'm serious Connor. We're worried about you. You are still not okay." He tells me. "I don't know what you're talking about." I throw my hands up in despair. "I would really like to go to my room now." I say. He folds his arms in front of his chest. "No. You're not going." I sigh. "Really?" I ask him. "Yes, it is." He retorts. "Bye." I don't even wait for a response. I fight my way through the boys, who aren't really happy with my behaviour and finally let me go when I start hitting them. They never expected that and kind of froze when I did.

I got to my room and locked the door. I don't want them to freak out at me for what I did down there. I want to go home. To my mom. I need her. I feel the tears run down my face. I wipe them away with my sleeve angrily. I know there's one thing that can help me right now. I shouldn't do it. I should be strong and go to the boys. One won't matter right? I could make one little cut and then go to the boys. They wouldn't know right? They will think I was strong enough and went down before I could do anything.

When I made up my mind, I found one cut on my arm. I knew I wouldn't keep it together. I broke the promise I made with the other boys. I hate myself so much. I don't want to be alone. I will only make things worse. I need my mom. I want my mom. I know I can't see her anytime soon. I need the boys to fix me. Walking out of my bed room, I take one last look. I don't even know why. It's not like I'm leaving. I walk down the stairs and feel the tears fall down from my chin. I can't stop crying. It's too hard.