Mature content.
Possible trigger warning.
We; 1164
As I trace my fingers down your spine, through the imprints of your skin, the patterns of your fingertips.
As I look at your arm I feel it, I trace up and down. You look at me and smile and I realize how much you mean to me.
As you sit on top of me, you kiss me. And before you kiss me you look at me, directly in the eyes and I knew there wasn't anywhere else I wanted to be besides here.
I grab your shirt gently, and tug you down, as I do so you come down and kiss me again. Every time you look at me I see everything. Everything that I am and everything that you are.
And in your eyes I see me. I see nature. I see the sun. The moon. The stars. I see the hurt, the love, the passion. The feeling of wanting to feel.
You lay down beside me. And I sit on top of you. I kiss you gently as I memorize the very taste of your lips, and hope I never forget it.
My lips slowly travel down your neck, I never want to lose this. I stay kissing your neck and I feel you smiling. There's lust in your sounds but we both know we won't and don't want to give into our cravings.
You tell me you love me as you kiss the very skin that dances upon my neck. I make you look at me and I just stare. Into the beautiful abyss of your eyes and I ponder the deepest questions that you've probably asked.
I tell myself I don't want to lose you, as I don't know how to verbalize it in this moment. I lay my head on your chest. I can hear your heartbeat. It beats fast and I fully believe every beautiful thing you've told me.
This night is the night where I know I won't lose you.
You leave my house and before you leave you kiss my forehead and whisper about how you'll see me again next weekend.
You constantly call me. - almost every night.
As you call me we talk for hours until you end up falling asleep to my voice.
I know you're asleep when you don't answer to when I call your name over the phone. I hear you snore a small snore and I know I never want to lose my everything.
You send me good morning texts about all the reasons you adore me so much. And I slowly fall in love.
I tell you how I can't wait to be with you. Have you close to me, to feel your warmth. How I can't wait to kiss you. And you say the same things back.
You tell me that I'm adorable and that I'm the only thing you'll ever want to see.
How I'm your muse, your water, your light, your air and your sky.
Your everything.
I call you and I tell you all the reasons you mean so much to me.
All the reasons I don't want to lose you.
All the reasons I couldn't imagine life without you.
You call me cute as we play our game of "est's" and "er's"
You're cute.
You're cuter.
You're cutest.
Some time later, you still call me your muse.
Until that night.
I could sense something was wrong.
I knew you where upset so I called you to make you happy.
It didn't work
"I don't deserve you"
"You're too good to me"
"I'm a terrible boyfriend you deserve better"
I tell you over and over it's not true. But you continue on.
I tell you that you're the best that I could have.
I swore I would never lie to you
And I didn't.
You're the best thing that happened to me.
But that night you changed your mind.
I was writing you a paragraph about how it would all be okay because I was gonna cuddle with you the next day to make sure you feel better.
That didnt work
"Hey, can I tell you something?"
I copy the paragraph, and delete it.
"Sure"
"I think we should just be friends this is too hard for me"
Oh.
I ask you why. You give my multiple different answers and I still don't know what to believe.
But just hours before this you where mine.
Just hours before this you where calling me the cutest person alive.
Just hours before this you where telling me you didn't want to lose me.
I call you because I know you're upset and I want to make you happy, regardless.
You answer.
I accidentally call you baby and then apologize. I put myself on mute as I cry.
You tell me you have to go, so I let you.
I throw my phone. I punch the air. I punch the wall and I scream to the world how I hate myself.
I hate myself for falling for you
For letting you mean so much to me.
For letting YOU be the one to trick me into your foolish and fake games.
I hate myself for getting so close to you.
Closer than I have to anyone in the past.
I gave you everything and you took it away.
You were my everything.
I hate myself for giving you everything.
Letting you let me believe that I mattered.
Letting you MAKE ME BELIEVE THAT I WAS WORTH IT.
GOD DAMMIT I WAS THE ONE WHO HELD YOUR HAND WHEN YOU WERE SAD. I MADE SURE YOU WERE HAPPY BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO BE UPSET. I CRIED WHEN YOU CRIED. I SMILED WHEN YOU SMILED. I TOLD YOU EVERYTHING. EVERY LAST FUCKING DETAIL. YOU CRIED FOR ME. YOU WERE THE ONE WHO SENT ME THE PARAGRAPHS, YOU WERE THE ONE WHO MADE ME FEEL WANTED.
GOD DAMMIT PHILLIP YOU MADE ME TAKE MY GAURD DOWN WHEN IT HAD BEEN UP FOR YEARS. AND I WAS HAPPY.
I WAS FINALLY LOVING MYSELF. I WAS HAPPY WITH MY LIFE AND HOW EVERYTHING WAS GOING AND NOW YOU COME ALONG AND YOU HAD TO LIE TO ME AND MAKE ME FALL FOR YOU. NOW YOU'RE YELLING AT ME BECAUSE YOU'RE MAD AT YOURSELF?
MAYBE PEOPLE WOULDN'T BE SO UPSET WITH YOU IF YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. GOD DAMMIT I WAS THERE FOR YOU.
Stop.
Leave me alone.
I already have people hating me for my decision I made.
All of these are things you said to me. And I'm still offering you my hand.
You have no clue what you've put me through.
I believed you with every. Sick. Beautiful. Amazing lie you told me. Every time you told me you didn't want to lose me, I believed you. Every fake, fucking sentence you uttered pretending you cared, all for the betterment of yourself - I fucking believed you. And the worst part about all ;
i still want to believe you.
