My Meltdown Diary

entry 2

I cant do this all this pain all the regret I just can't do it anymore I wish I was dead but I'm not I am literally wishing I was never born to begin with then it would be easier for everyone then I would not have met anyone like Teri bella or most important Luke I wish I never met them all because then I wouldn't have anyone I feel worth living for I know that every person has a purpose but my purpose is different mine isn't anything fantastic like find a cure for cancer it isn't as though I am going to become famous and be anybodys idol no one even likes me to begin with my purpose is simply to walk this pain planet and live a life where all I want to do is end it I know that there is a future but so far it looks pretty shitty I won't be able to go to collage because my horrible grades in high school none are going to accept the student who is different I don't eat when I do everything makes me disgusted I can't eat I have started cutting since the Monday before my birthday I can't sleep anymore I toss and turn for hours the only way I do fall asleep in less then an hour is if I am extremely high. Even since I was only just a little 7 year old I see t hours trying to sleep only to find I wake up less then a few hours later I barely sleep. In my family I have no one I lie to my grand mother leonore she thinks I am a perfect person. My mom she doesn't know anything she knows how to be a fucking bitch she is always ruining my mood whether by saying little comments just bugging me when I want to be left alone and always ruining all my favourite songs. My brother I get along with but not to often and I hate how he always has the friend I hate most over so much I hate how he and Anthony can't be friends I hate it so much. My dad I don't even have a bond woth I haven't hugged my dad since I was only 10 I only say I love him or my stepmom at the end of conversations or when I am getting dropped off. My step sister I hate and can't get along ever with she is just one of those people you hate at first site sort of how Luke was love at first site but instead it's hate. I haven't been acknowledged since I was eight years old by my grandfather he doesn't even recognize me and I only remember is the memories. I hate how I have no trust in any of my family I hate how I my aunt and cousin are the preferred side of the family and we are not even apart of it. I hate how my nanny Lois has it so she always makes me feel like a piece of shir.lt and that she hates me I hate how she always shows favouritism towards my brother but never even shows me any really just treats me like the other one she has to be nice to. I hate how it has been a month since i started cutting again I hate how I never get to ever spend any time with Teri anymore I hate how when we do hang out now there is always terrance I never get to confide in the only person I could I hate how we never spend anytime together I hate how I don't go to classes to try and get her to come to classes because I don't want to change schools anymore I just want to stat here even if I have very few people I have some people and there are the memories I know I say it is he'll but I like simonds it is the only place I can don't have to put up a act with everyone I don't like change and. if I was to transfer now it would destroy me I can't get used to a new school new people new cliques and a new scheduling system and building I can not switch school I can't work in the classroom I need to work anywhere else I can't 've in a class my anxiety kicks in I hate how my brother has court I hate seeing the hoe who ruined my life I hate seeing her wear their engagement rings around her neck I hate how I cut again now I hate everything I hate how I'm in the friendzone by the person I love the most in the world by the person i trust most who has been there for most of my happy memories and seen me at my worst yet Is still there I hate how i cry and can't choose when I hate how tears just stream out of my eyes at random I miss living a family I feel like I am apart of. I miss feeling like I can eat and not feel like I'm going to be sick and not ever feel hungry I hate how I have had no urge to clean my room I hate how I feel like I am moving out I hate feeling like I want to run away I hate how I can't trust anyone I hate how my best friends I barely see anymore other then Teri but rarely even that without terrace I hate how I can't confide in anyone I hate how I the only friend I have at school that is real and I trust who I felt I trusted enough to show her the spot I had the best and worst memories nearly Fuck in the same spot I nearly Fucked I hate how of all the people for me to fall in love with I had to fall for Luke because I know we can't ever be he is the quarterback, captain of the football team, star swimmer, student council, and the hottest guy ever. Yet I am only the dorky weird loner bitch supposed slut that everyone hates I hate how even after we graduate we can't date because I will be still in swim lessons I hate how I won't stop going to the beach there ever because it's so close and how our families are all so close nothing can be ruined or become awkward. I hate loving him I gate how he has seen me when I went through almost all the stages of puberty I hate how I have so many memorized blur the memories different people have when they think of you but I hate missing creating those memories and fooling off and just being us not all awkward I hate how people always no matter his or may families and friends ship us but we are not a technical us I hate the friendzone.