Change - (boyxboy)

Chapter 20 - Friends?

"So, why are you here, Will?" Ryan asked once they both settled in his kitchen. His face was cold and unfeeling, looking at were with an intense glare. His tone, however, betrayed his icy exterior, sounding as if he were worried that Will was about to explode at him, like a timid mouse scared of the house cat.

Will sighed, not sure if he'd made the right decision in coming here. He scanned the kitchen as he sat at the stool by the island, noticing that Ryan was halfway through preparing a lasagna, as well as what looked like cake batter. He was half tempted to divert the conversation away from what he wanted to talk about, but he wasn't going to be the coward this time.

"I know that no amount of sorries will ever make up for how I've hurt you, and honestly, I don't want to pretend like what's happened hasn't happened, I want to take responsibility for the bad things that I've done," Will began to explain, forcing himself to look Ryan in the eye as he spoke. Ryan at least deserved that. "But like I said before, we need to fix this because it's obviously been pretty toxic for the both of us. We can't keep living like this, y'know, we can't be doing this to ourselves."

Ryan listened to him silently, scrutinising his every word with a calculating glare. But as Will looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to say something in return, Ryan just heaved a heavy sigh, as if he were dropping a heavy weight from his shoulders. "I'm so tired of this, Will. Being angry at you and hating you makes me so tired," the teen admitted, closing his eyes as he felt his emotions beginning to bubble. He forced them down, knowing that he'd begin to cry otherwise. "I don't want to hate you anymore, Will, I really don't, but at the same time, I can't just let go what you did. That... That devastated me."

Ryan was silent for a moment, trying to keep himself composed. He needed to get all of this out and he couldn't do that if he was having a breakdown. He took in a deep breath to calm down as he looked at Will, who was just looking at him with a sad look. Ryan wasn't sure what that meant but he decided to continue talking.

"I kinda felt used and dirty by what you did, sorta like I was just some cheap distraction for you? And I hated myself as much as I hated you because of that, to be honest. I knew that and let you anyway. I let you use me," Ryan expressed, admitting what he's felt this whole time. Sure he'd done it drunk after Will and his one night stand but he was putting all the blame on Will then. Now he saw that it took two to tango and Will couldn't have used him if Ryan didn't let him.

Ryan breathed in deeply, steeling himself up for what he was about to say. He stared into Will's eyes, not sure if this was the right decision. But those chocolate pools, one of the many things he loved about the other teen, called to him. They lulled him into breaking his walls down and telling Will the truth. "I regretted telling you to get Oliver out of your system."

To say that Will was shocked was an understatement. To hear that Ryan regretted what he'd said, that was undeniably the ultimate push towards the rekindled romance between him and Oliver, brought out so many questions in Will's mind. His mouth opened and closed as he processed his overworked mind, too many questions whizzing around and not enough answers to satisfy any of them. He just stared at Ryan during his confusion, stuttering out a "why?" in hopes of some answers.

Ryan sighed once again, kicking himself mentally for opening these can of worms. He was bearing his heart on his sleeve, more vulnerable than he'd been in some time. He felt his heart rate pick up speed as frustration and heartache coursed through his system. This was all getting too much for him to contain, as now that the can was open, there was nothing keeping it inside.

"Because I'm still in love with you, ok?" Ryan blurted out in anger, mostly at himself more than anyone else. "Because I'm a pathetic piece of crap who still fucking loves you for no good goddamn reason besides the fact that I always seem to pick people who end up bloody hurting me."