Redemption

Chapter Five

     "You're capable of so much more than what you give yourself credit for, Tris." Matthew's grin is stretched wide.
    "When can I tell Tobias?" I see myself walking over to the silver table where the memory serum lies.
    Matthew shakes his head. "You can't. You won't be there to remember." He poises the needle over the vein in my neck. "There was really no point in telling you, since it will be erased. But, I knew you would figure it out somehow."
    I smile. "I did get an aptitude for Erudite."
    "Then it's settled. Tomorrow morning, you will cover for Caleb, stall David, then be injected with the inoculation. From there, you will be informed of our plan."
    "But I already know."
    Matthew smirks. "Oh, Tris. I designed it specifically to erase this memory only. You won't remember a thing."
    I scream myself awake before the needle can touch my skin.
    Tobias stirs in his sleep and clicks a light on. "Nightmare?"
    I nod. "They don't seem to go away."
    He runs a hand through his hair. "Well, that's the thing, Tris. They don't. Until you feel safe. Do you feel safe?"
    "Yes," I lie. I know now that it was a memory. I was living a lie for two and a half years. I still don't know much about the memory and how I found out about the plan to tell Tobias.
    "You're a terrible liar." He kisses my temple. "You have nothing to worry about. You're just here with me."
    He turns to click off the light, but I stop him.
    "I have a question." I sit up.
    He rubs his eyelids. "Okay. What do you want to know?"
    "The factions. I thought the factions were destroyed, but somehow, they're back. What made Johanna change her mind?"
    He sighs. "The factions were only dragged back out a few months ago. Johanna and the Allegiant made a formal decision to have a trial run. After initiation, they're going to decide if they want to keep them. People said they could choose factions. If they wanted to live factionless, they could. If anyone wanted to leave the city, the choice was offered. I almost left Chicago, to be with my mom. But I decided to stay. Christina needed someone to stay for her sanity. Besides, I thought it would be what you would've wanted."
    "During the war, I wasn't sure if I wanted the factions anymore. But now, I'm seeing them in their former glory. Each faction is equal. Being Divergent is okay. Now, I don't see what there is to change. Everything is pretty much perfect."
    He kisses my nose. "Just like you."
    I fit my mouth to his. "You have no idea how much I needed you in these past years."
    He kisses me passionately, running his fingers through my hair. I kiss him back, not wanting to waste a second of air I breath with him. He fumbles with my shirt and traces his fingers across my back. He pulls away and raises his eyebrows. I nod.
    And the rest of our night is wonderful.

    I wake up to the dancing sunlight, and to an empty bed. I hear the water from the bathroom running, so Tobias must be taking a shower. I decide to get ready myself, for anything else Max has to throw at us. Today is certain to be a great day. I cannot help it, a smile pushes its way into my mouth, like the first time I kissed Tobias. I've missed him for so long but now I've found him. I'm okay now because he is mine.

    "Fear landscape," says Max, hooking up to a monitor. "Who wants to go first?"
    I swallow hard. Tobias won't be a likely volunteer. I wouldn't be either, if I had an abusive past. I must be over my fear of intimacy. "I'll go."
   The needle pierces my neck, and I sit down in the chair.
    But nothing. Not much has changed. I am obviously over my fear of intimacy. Same crows, same water tank. But instead of having to shoot my family, I am watching my mother die the same way in the alley. I emerge from the simulation teary eyed. That is one of the worst memories I have. This is wrong. The Dauntless are sick, if they think reliving it will make me stronger.
    "Okay." My voice shakes. "Your turn."
    He grabs my hand and squeezes it on his way in.
    "Be brave," I say.
    "Always," He replies.
    Seeing him go through it, it's horrifying. Seeing him watch me die, kills off a part of me. He starts crying, banging against glass, cursing, trying to do anything. But he can't.
    I close my eyes, and I see him encountering "my" body, clutching my hand, willing me awake. I see him spreading "my" ashes, feeling just-

Numb.

And I can't take it anymore. I walk out, tears in my eyes. I never want him to go through it again. I wish I could take all his pain and force it on myself.

But I can't. And there's nothing I can do either.

It is the worst feeling in the world.