Forgetting Grier

3: Grace

Wasnt Good Enough

Quote of the chapter:
I don't blame you
For leaving me.
I blame myself for not
Being good enough.

Song of the chapter:
Half a Heart
One Direction

I didn't get it, I never did. How someone that claims they love another person could just announce that they were with someone else two days later. Those people sicken me. He sickens me. How low was I to believe him, to trust him again after he hurt me. I shouldn't have looked. I should have just deleted the app like I was going to. But I didn't and look where it got me. She looked happy, in love, and excited at the same time, he looked bored and annoyed in the slightest. Why who knows, all I know is that it hurt, the way they stood, the way he put his arm around her... The way he kissed her like I didn't exist. Like I was just gone. A ghost. A memory in the wind. And I couldn't breathe. I gasped for air, I gasped for the slightest doubt that this wasn't happening. That this was a dream. That it was all a lie. But it wasn't. It was real and crushing me inside out. The tears that wracked my body were silent, so silent you could her my heart breaking over and over again for miles and miles. What did I ever do to deserve this constant heartbreak, building me up only to crush it with a mallet. She was beautiful, blonde hair, blue eyes, skinny, famous. Everything almost that I wasn't. The two of us were the same in many ways, but so, so, different. She was better, and I was thrown out the window as soon as she came in the picture. I should have expected something like this to happen. I logged out of Twitter and did what I should have done in the first place, I deleted all of the social media off my phone. What is air? I don't know anymore, I'm breathing but im not living. There's a difference, because I needed him. I needed him to help me to breathe, to live. To be a person. And I hated him, for ever getting with me. For stealing that from me. For taking my heart and ripping it in half. But I hated myself for letting him. It was my fault. My fault that I gave him my heart. My fault that I was hurting. My fault that he had this influence on me. My fault that I wasn't good enough. Switching over to my computer my gmail box had a notification at the top. It was from my professor, great, exactly what I needed. Note that sarcasm.
Email from dbradshawNYU@gmail.com
To: E.elliegraceespinosa@gmail.com
Subject: Christmas Break Writing Assignment
Body:
Students,
Over your winter break I have decided your project for this quarters main grade. Each of you will come up with your own plot and story line of a 10 chapter book. You will decide what you write about however, you must let me know as soon as possible what you choose. This assignment will be worth 50% of your grade for the upcoming quarter. Attached is a link to the rubric of the book and the guidelines. Happy writing and Happy Holidays.
-Professor Bradshaw
Its perfect. Exactly what I needed, wanted, was ready for. A way to express all of my emotions to someone else, and no one will ever know that they were real. Real events, real feelings, real life. Just that they were some words of fiction. Mom was coming at 11 and it was half past 10 when I got the email. I didn't have time to write just yet so I put it off till when I get back. The knock on my door came ten minutes early, very unexpected for my mom who always was a little late. I was still a mess, had been for the last 24 hours, and even though my tears we dried up, I still felt empty and ripped apart. Slowly, I opened the door to reveal my mother with a look of concern on her face. "Oh honey." Was all she said before smashing me into a hug. Very few tears marked down my face, how I even managed those few I don't know. "It hurts. And I can't do anything to stop it. Mom I can't do this." I was finally panicking outside of my head to someone. "Baby I know, I know but look at me. You did the right thing calling me. Im staying as long as you need me honey, and even then if I do end up leaving I'll be back as soon as you need me." All I do is nod sinking back into her arms. "Mom, how am I going to take care of this baby on my own? I have classes and my job doesnt pay much at all and no one even knows." She shushes me calming me down from my outburst. "It's going to be okay, your father and I are here to help you through it all whenever you need us. And don't worry about money sweety you just worry about staying healthy. Now let's get to that appointment, I want to know if my grandchild is a boy or a girl." Her words make my mood change the slightest, excitement welled inside me as we went back to the room. "Alright Miss Espinosa let's see what we have here." The nurse said as she put the gel on my stomach, starting the ultrasound. My mom was beside me with a smile plastered on her face. "Everything looks healthy to me, now would you like to know the gender, or perhaps wait till a visit with the father present?" Well there went my mood again, I looked down silently and my mom took it from there. "The father is not in the picture, so we would like to know please." My mom took hold of my hand as if to comfort me and hold in her excitement. "Alright Miss Espinosa, you're having a-" My mother's phone cut her off and even with her quickly hiding the screen from me I saw the name. Matthew. "Im sorry I'll call him back," She said sending him to voicemail, "Please continue."
"Right you're having a baby.."
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