A Fantasy Roast

Joffrey Baratheon (Game of Thrones)

The Roasting of Joffrey Baratheon
As seen on Fantasy Central
December 16, 2013

Announcer: Live from King's Landing, it's the Joffrey Roast! (applause)

(Takes place in King's Landing. The audience is sitting on the floor in the throne room while Joffrey Baratheon is bound and gagged to the Iron Throne.)

Viserys Targaryen: I warned you about signing that gag order, but you didn't listen to me, did you? Anyway, who wants to roast him? (Everyone cheers) Let's get started! (Someone goes to the microphone)

Jacquel Rassenworth: Let's get this started with me saying that Joffrey is an arrogant jerk whose heart and balls are THREE sizes too small. (Audience laughs)

Jace Wayland: I have some news for Joffrey: I will be funny, and you will be six feet deep. (Audience laughs)

Eragon: I am inclined to believe Joffrey loves Barney a trifle too much. (Audience laughs)

Emmett Cullen: You know what would make me overjoyed? If Joffrey gets eaten by a White Walker. (Audience laughs)

Sansa Stark: Every time I try to hook up with you, you end up trying to convince little boys you're Peter Pan again. It's getting a little bit ridiculous. (Audience laughs)

Ron Weasley: You're lovable, Joffrey. And by lovable, I mean awful-looking. (Audience laughs)

Viserys: Oh, that's cold, dude! That's real cold! Let's see what the Anti-Potter Fan Club has to say about Joffrey!

Katniss Everdeen: Joffrey, You will never be responsible for your actions! (Crowd laughs)

Charlie Bone: I say that Joffrey shouldn't meet Manfred, as the school would not survive if that happened. (Crowd laughs)

Lyra Belacqua: Joffrey, you are a porker. (Crowd laughs)

Quil Ataera: Even your whore of a mother hopes you croak! (Crowd laughs)

Percy Jackson: It would be cute if Luke beat the crap out of you! (Crowd laughs)

Tyrion Lannister: I love you, you beautiful good-looking piece of filth that I love to slap every hour, on the hour. (Crowd laughs)

Clary Fray: Go swim in a pool of acid, you stupid jerkwad. (Crowd laughs)

Viserys: And that was the Anti-Potter Fantasy Club. Who else wants to say something? (Joffrey shakes his head)

Arya Stark: Get slammed, you flap-noodled dinosaur-brained douche! (Crowd laughs)

Jacquelyn: My bow and arrow, your throat. Right now.

Audience: Ooooooooohhhhhhh!!!

Jacob Black: They will wax poetic on your witlessness long after you get killed. (Crowd laughs)

Loras Tyrell: Go and be choked with thy ambition, thou loathsome hasty-witted swain. (Crowd laughs)

Jacquelyn: You're sexy. And by sexy, I mean loathsome. (Crowd laughs) I never thought that I'd say this, but I prefer the Hermaphrodite over you! (Crowd laughs)

Hermaphrodite: I always knew that you want me!

Jacquelyn: Oh my God! Seriously?

Viserys: Uh, can we get back to the roast? And by the way, Joff, I hope your mother kills you with a grenade. (Crowd laughs) What are you going to say now? (Joffrey goes to the microphone)

Joffrey: You are all a bunch of stupid pea-brained monkey-toed...You're just a bunch of crappy people. I hate you all. (Crowd laughs) You think this is funny? If you found that funny, you're a sick and evil bastard and should be shot! (Crowd laughs) That's it! Screw you all, I'm going home! (He leaves)

Viserys: And that's all for tonight! I'm Viserys Targaryen and this has been the roasting of Joffrey Baratheon! Goodnight, everyone! (applause from audience. scene fades to black. credits roll)