Blue Comes Through

Chapter Two

My first stop is to pick our documents. He's hidden my original passport, driving licence, our birth certificates and health cards. Part of the planning had involved obtaining copies of them all. I had been terrified that they would arrive at the weekend as he always opened all post then. Thankfully fate had been on my side and I've been able to pass them on to a friend Clare, who has kept them safe for me.

As I make the twenty minute drive to Clare and Tom's, I think about the first time I took Clare into my confidence. We had met at a couple of baby groups I attend with Will. She's recently moved with her husband Tom to Berkshire from Wales. Tom's just landed a big promotion, but he works long hours and Clare is missing home and her friends and family. She was eager to make friends and had overcome my natural reserve with her wicked sense of humour, warmth and a certain amount of persistence.

I had trouble sustaining new friendships as plans often had to be cancelled at the last minute, if I was lying low after a beating. Consequently, I probably came across as a bit flaky. It was hard inviting people home too, as visitors were not welcome and it made him angry if I invited people without asking him first. After a few mortifying incidents, I just stopped asking and it had been easier to keep people at a distance. Will had lots of social contact with other children, but I kept myself apart from the other mums, polite but reserved.

Clare, however, was always so warm and easy going and easy to talk to, that our friendship had grown very quickly. She's one of those born homemakers who's a fabulous cook and loves to feed people and entertain, so is always asking Will and I back to theirs for coffee or lunch.

I remember the look on her face when I first told her. I tried to be as matter of fact as I could, but her face had been a mixture of horror, shock, pity and anger. I watched the whole tumult of emotions pass over her face in just a few seconds. I can't bear the pity more than anything. I hate that I have put myself in a position where anybody would pity me.

I knew she was struggling to equate the charmer she had met, with the monster I described. The persona he portrayed to the outside world was the polar opposite of the man he became at home.

Clare had met him a couple of times. We had met up on one occasion, as couples for a meal. He had been at his super attentive, charming best. He had praised me all night, his hand hardly leaving mine. I could see Clare falling for the act. He was always like this with new people, but after a couple of meetings he'd start to be rude or would make excuses to cancel plans and his desire to isolate me would surface.

In contrast, Clare and Tom have a warm, teasing relationship. They are natural and easy with each other, both witty and their verbal sparring makes me laugh. Tom's a man of few words, the perfect foil to Clare's exuberance, but a couple of times, over that dinner, I caught the odd glance between them and Tom's feelings for his wife were so evident, it was really touching to witness.

When Clare and I stumbled from the restaurant, giggling and unsteady after too much wine, Tom had good naturedly rolled his eyes, propping his wife up and helping her to the car as she tried to quote Meg Ryan in Top Gun. "Take me to bed or lose me forever," she shrieked before falling into her seat laughing.

My own journey home had been cold and silent apart from a couple of scathing comments. I had shown myself up and flirted with Tom. I was inattentive. I had drunk too much. I had talked too much. My warm tipsy mood had disappeared by the time we arrived home. I'd paid the babysitter, a neighbours daughter, watched her run across the road to her home and had turned back to go inside, bracing myself for the icy atmosphere and whatever else may follow.

As soon as Clare knew the truth about my relationship, she had wanted me to leave. It was unfathomable to her for a man to hit a woman. In her world, men took care of you, supported you. Tom was her rock. I knew that she was still struggling to understand why I would stay, despite my attempts to explain. When I told her my plan, sketchy as it was, she more than happy to help. As soon as the replacement documents arrived, I passed them on to her and she had kept them safe.