Smoker's Fix

Love

love: noun

1. an intense feeling of deep affection.

2. a person or something one loves

3. Something that makes you go batshit crazy

Looking out the windows, you could feel the mid-afternoon sun warm up your face, making you squint and turn your head away from the light. You let your eyes wander around the room and landed on Namjoon staring at you in the doorway of the extravagent bathroom. You both made eye contact before you both turned away, him going to the bathroom and you facing the bright orange light.

Now, you didn't have sex but what instead had happened was just a long talk that actually ended up with you falling asleep.

Looking at the time, it read: 6:47 PM

So wait ... I fell asleep, but he's still here? He would never stay and miss their interview.

Did they go out to eat like the boys wanted?

"What I find funny is that you are analyzing everything over there but don't want to ask me anything."

Namjoon's voice pulled you out of your thoughts and you looked up at him a bit embarassed. Pushing yourself up, you were now on your knees staring at Namjoon.

Walking towards you, Namjoon smirked and walked towards the foot of the bed and leaned forward and whispered while keeping eye contact.

"We did all go to the interview as you slept and went out to eat. You've been asleep for a little over 6 hours. Good Evening, Sunshine." Namjoon smiled and kissed your forehead making you feel your cheeks get hot as if you had just ran 60 miles. He was now a couple of inches away from your face and all you could think was literally nothing.

What were you supposed to do? Speak?

What the fuck were you even going to say?

Namjoon's eyes flickered from your eyes to your lips a bit before getting off the bed, that you didn't even notice he was on, and walking around you to grab the TV remote from your nightstand, turning on The Moulin Rouge and laying down and holding out his hand in front of you.

"Hand please." he said focusing on the classic movie playing on the 50 inch screen.

Hesitantly, you gave him your hand and he pulled you towards him having you land on top of him while he hugged you close to him.

"Namjoon. No. You're an idol. You can't have scandals. What about your manager? Your fans?" you said to him wiggling out of his grip and getting up, off the bed and seeing the blinds open for the patio door.

"I love my fans. I love my job. Scandals start over the smallest things. I can't help who I like." he sighed, rubbing his temples and looked at you a bit annoyed.

You kind of felt bad saying that but you've seen people who have dated idols, get so much hate in both parties. You didn't want that for either of you. Especially with Namjoon being the leader.

"Yes but it could mean very bad things for the group. You and I shouldn't even be in the same room let alone the same bed!" you looked at him worried. You knew that this would end like a hurricane.

Namjoon didn't speak. Neither would you.

Silence. That's all there was.

What were you supposed to do?

Put his reputation and others in jeopardy because of what? A fling?

"I love you, Sunshine. Don't you see that?" He said getting up from the bed.

"Oh please. Namjoon, you don't love me. You only think that you do for now." You say feeling your eyes starting to sting.

"Don't. Tell. Me. Who. I. Love. Goddamn it! Why would I take you to Los Angeles and on tour with us if I didn't at least like you? Why is it so hard for you accept love from someone else?!" He yelled back while his usual soft brown eyes were starting to pierce your soul.

You couldn't believe what you were hearing.

Your thoughts were everywhere. Your heart was beating hard like elephant stampede and you looked as though you had gotten hit by a car.

You were just shocked.

"Because love is one of the worst things in life! It's something that is so beautiful in the beginning and so soft and delicate. Love is something that you want to have and when you get it;

Everything changes.

Your senses, your emotions, your fucking LIFE CHANGES, NAMJOON! AND SOMETIMES YOU DON'T WANT IT TO CHANGE YOU FOR THE WORSE!"

You were crying hot angry tears and looked at Namjoon with such hurt and anguish.

You just couldn't love.

What is love?

Love is something that can fuck you up. For better or for worse.

You didn't want to redo everything that had happened in your past.

You didn't want anything bad to happen to Namjoon.

You could barely take care of yourself. Let alone the heart of another.

You had tried love. Tried to let someone love you. Many times in your past.

What were you to do after heartbreak after heartbreak? Just act like the pilling up sadness in your heart and head wouldn't soon fall all over?

You wanted to be loved.

But you didn't want to be loved.

You wanted to be loved.

It was a constant battle between having a one night stand or never leaving your studio.

But how were you to love when the everlasting voice of doubt wouldn't shut the fuck up in the back of your head?

It's not something like all the romance novels write it out to be.

Love makes you go batshit crazy.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn in life is to love and be loved in return."

How is one to love when the very thought of it makes them want to cower away in fear?

That's right.

They fucking can't.

Someone who is scared of an emotion that everyone feels at least once in their lives

CANNOT LOVE.

One who does not believe that love is real anymore.

CANNOT. LOVE.