Just Some Random Shit

Dear Depression...

Sometimes I wonder why I was chosen for this life. Out of all the options and possibilities, I was given depression and anxiety and ADD and OCD and so much more. All those weird illnesses that have long scientific names that have to be summed up to a few letters so that it's easier to say, right? I could've been given different friends, a different family. What if I had made one different choice. What if I had denied the SCAPA offer. Would we have stayed in KY? Would I still be straight? Would I have never gotten depression from praying the gay away? What if I had killed myself a year ago when I felt I was too lost to go on. Would I have affected lives? The possibility of death being around the corner everyday scares me. I don't like having the power to kill myself. If I skip a few pills they say I might try to kill myself. Why am I given the possibility to do this?? I know that death is inevitable. I know this. If we all die in the end, what's the point of living? Why am I not allowed to be happy? I was given a few weeks of happiness and thought maybe, oh maybe, I was finally starting to be mentally stable. Maybe you, depression, finally decided that I was boring. But then you decided to come out of hiding and surprise me. My happiness was once again stolen from me and death if suffocating me with possibilities once again. They all say that depression only last a short time, maybe a few years or so. You can pull through. Don't worry, it's just a phase love. I'm a 14 year old girl who has had almost constant depression for over 2 and a half years now. Is it still a phase? What the hell happened to my innocence?? Why couldn't you have come later, and let me live a fucking normal teenage life. Instead, I have meds, doctors, therapist. worried friends and family. It's all just bullshit. All I'm asking is just to be happy again. For you to leave me alone. I don't want to shake in be and cry myself to sleep at night. I didn't want to have nightmares every night. I never asked for the voices telling me to cut myself or starve myself. I never wanted my own mother to come into my room and find me crying with blood and scares on my wrist and think I was going to kill myself. None of this is normal. No one should have to go through this. I didn't ask for any of this. 

So dear depression...did you ever realize you're an asshole? You've kept me from so many amazing experiences in my life. You can go fuck yourself.

If only it were that easy huh.