Learning to Love [Niam]

Chapter 18

Ok, first I want to apologize how long it has taken me to update. You guys know how it is with family around the holidays. Anyway, second I don't really know what prompted me to write the chapter like this. Anyway, I hope all of you guys enjoy this chapter anyway! Love you all who is reading this!

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This isn’t good. I fucked up guys. I fucked up badly. I fucked up in so many ways today guys. This isn’t good. This isn’t good. THIS. ISN’T. GOOD.

I bet you are wondering what I fucked up so badly? Well, to tell you this I would need to start from the beginning of the day.

It has been two weeks since I told Liam what happened to me all those years ago, two weeks since I last cut. I have no reason to. I’ve been covering up the cuts with tight bracelets or long sleeve t-shirts, for cross country, I wear arm sleeves. So far, no one has noticed and I plan on keeping it that way.

Life has been treating me real nice here lately. My dad, for some odd reason, was avoiding me instead of beating me and the teasing at school hasn’t been bothering me lately. I’ve been winning all the cross country races this year so far, I have amazing friend, amazing boyfriend, and I haven’t once thought about my mom. I was getting along real well with my friends and I was doing well in school.

Life was perfect at the moment and I had to go and do something stupid.

It’s a Monday and Liam and I were walking towards the school. I was clinging onto his arm and was only half asleep. When we arrived at the school, this girl, Danielle, came over to us and started talking to Liam. I decided to zone out on this conversation, I wasn’t worried. Sure, Danielle is a very pretty girl and I’m…well me. But, I trust Liam and I don’t want to seem like the overly jealous boyfriend. Plus, he had an arm around my waist; hint enough that I’m his and he’s mine.

I zoned back in to Liam saying, “Yeah, sure, I’ll see you then!”

Danielle giggled. “Great!” Then reached up and kissed him on the cheek before running off somewhere.

I raised my eyebrow at Liam, who was staring after her retreating figure. He looked over at me and sighed. “She needs some help on calculus and I told her I would help her out during lunch.”

 “So…” I started casually. “She’s coming to sit with us at lunch?”

He shook his head. “Weren’t you paying attention at all?” I just gave him a blank stare. He chuckled and kissed my nose, causing me to scrunch it up. “Of course you weren’t. No, we’re going to meet in the Calc. room at lunch.”

I started pouting. “Does that mean you won’t be eating lunch with me?” I gave him my best puppy dog eyes.

He scoffed and then smiled. “Of course not, I only want to be there 15-20 minutes. If I’m not back after that, you can come get me, deal?” He leaned down and gave me a quick peck on the lips.

I smiled up at him. “Deal!” I reached up on my tip toes and gave him another kiss and went off to my class.

MISTAKE.

It was 25 minutes into lunch and Liam hasn’t showed up yet. I excused myself from the table and went in search of the Calc. room.

It didn’t take long to find the room, but oh I wish I hadn’t. I walked into the room and just casually walked into the room, “Hey Li, what’s taking so- Oh.” I looked up from the floor to the sight of Danielle practically on top of Liam.

“Oh.” I repeated out stupidly. I was kind of in shock.

Liam pushed Danielle off of him and ran to me. “Niall, babe, it’s not what it looks like. I was trying to get her off me, but she just wouldn’t get off.”

I shook my head, still shocked. “Oh.” I don’t know why I keep repeating myself. Why am I not yelling? Or throwing a punch? Or both?

“Niall…” Liam looked kind of scared now. “Please say something.” Danielle was watching this whole commotion from the floor.

I shook my head, regaining my senses, and backed towards the door. Liam grabbed my arm, but I shook him off and ran towards the front door of the school and I didn’t stop until I was at my house and in my bathroom.

I kind of blacked out of it for a few minutes and when I came back to, I had a razor in my hand. I haven’t cut yet, I was just staring at it.

I don’t know why I wasn’t crying. Why I wasn’t yelling or screaming or throwing things. I don’t know why I didn’t even feel upset. I just found a girl on top of my boyfriend, I should have been pissed, but all I felt is numb.

Correction, I felt one other thing. I felt an unnatural desire to cut.

And that was exactly what I did.

I took off my shirt and threw it across the room. I took the razor and slowly pressed down and pulled it across my wrist, next the other two. I was going to stop at one; one is all I ever needed to feel better. But one turned into two, which turned into four, which turned into eight, which ended in ten.

I was crying too hard, that’s why I stopped at ten. I don’t even know when I started crying, it was like the razor had turned my emotions back on. I saw the blood pouring out and I started crying harder. I threw the razor across the room and I brought my knees up to my chest and started rocking back and forth.

I stayed like that for a long time. I eventually stopped crying, but I never did get out of my position. I felt the numbness crawl back upon me and I wasn’t sure I liked it. I couldn’t feel the hurt, but this numbness scared me. It’s like I didn’t care anymore.

My door opened and someone came into the room. I didn’t care who it was, I kept my eyes downward and my knees at my chest.

I felt two arms wrap around me and I automatically knew it was Liam. My dad would have just punched me, the other boys would have just freaked out, and my mom isn’t here to do anything.

Liam grabbed my arm and inspected it. “Niall, babe why would you do this?” I just shrugged as a response. “Right, baby, please believe me when I say that I was trying to push her off. I have no interest in you. I have interest in you and you only.”

I shrugged again and that resulted in a sigh from him. “Please never cut yourself again, baby. I don’t like seeing you hurt. Please, please, don’t ever do this again.”

I spoke up for the first time since he came over. “I don’t want to ever see you around that bitch again.” I said in a monotone voice.

“What?” It was clear he was confused.

I sighed and looked him in the eye. “If I ever see you around her without me again, we’re done.”

He gulped. “Y-you have nothing to worry about.”

I stared at him for a few minutes, looking for any sign of lying in his eyes. I sighed, got up and went across the room and came back with the razor and handed it to him. “I’m done with this. I don’t want to have the want for this anymore.” I started crying again and he pulled me into his lap and I buried my head into his chest and continued my sobbing.

Once I calmed down, I pulled back and looked him in the eyes. “I love you.” I mumbled out.

I just fucked up.

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OK! I have some questions for you guys!

1. Do you think Liam is telling the truth?

2. Is Liam going to keep his promise? Is Niall

3. Should Harry and Josh remain straight or not? Should they be with each other?

I would love to hear your guys answers!