Learning to Love [Niam]

Chapter 5

The momentum of the fist and me being caught off guard, ended with me falling all my arse, clutching my face. I looked up to see my father standing over me, looking extremely angry. I could anger and fear spread in me.

“Get up you little shit!” He yelled. God damn it, he’s drunk. “Did I fucking stutter kid? Get the hell up!”

I got slowly got up to my feet and was staring him down. My plan wasn’t to show any of my fear. If I showed any fear, it would only get worse.

“You know? Nobody likes you right! You’re a disgusting little pussy! Nobody gives a damn about you!” He yelled at me.

Anger pulsed through me. “You don’t think I fucking know that? I know that nobody gives a shit about me, but guess what-” I yelled.

“Please, I would like to hear this.” He so rudely interrupted.

This made me even angrier. “I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME!” He looked shocked for a minute after I yelled that, but he quickly recovered and punched me in the stomach. When I doubled over, he kicked my shoulder, making me fall to the ground again.

“You know, you’re a worthless to me. You think you’re suddenly tough? Grew some balls recently, thinking you can talk to me like that? You are nothing, but a disappointment. I mean look at you. You aren’t tough. You are the kid that claimed he got not only beaten up, but raped by a girl. Guess that makes you a faggot, too!” He spit on me after he said that and then just walked off.

I slowly got up and got to my room before any of the tears fell. As soon as I got there I locked my door and moved my dress in front of it, so he wouldn’t be able to get in my room at all during the night. I collapsed on my bed and started crying.

What he had said brought back all the memories. He doesn’t know the full story, no one does. I tried to tell them, but they just laughed at me. Everyone just thought I was a whimp for letting a girl beat me up, they thought it was weird that I said she raped me, they said I’m supposed to like it.

I pulled out my journal that I write in. Yeah, I know it’s a little unusual for a guy to keep a journal to write in, but it helps me so much, it almost feels like I have someone to talk to, someone who is there for me. Anyway as soon as I calmed down a bit I started writing my entry:

August 29, 2012

’m worthless. I get this. I don’t need to be reminded that every day. I don’t need my dad reminding me of something I already know on a daily basis. I know I have people I call friends, but they don’t care about me either, I know they don’t. I don’t care if nobody cares about me, I care about me. That’s all that matters. I know I am going to be something one day. I just got to get through this year and no one in this town will ever see me again. It doesn’t matter if I don’t have a lot of money, I’m leaving regardless. Anywhere would be better than here.

He is so stupid. He punched me in the face today. Doesn’t he know that that will be noticeable? I can feel it swelling and it’s probably changing colors as we speak. He also punched me in the stomach and kicked me in the shoulder and spit on me. I wish I was strong enough to fight him back, but I’m just not. I know my mom could hear what was going on, but as usual, she did nothing to stop him.

I just wish they would hear me out on my story. She didn’t just beat me up. It wasn’t just one person. There was a group of them, two guys and a girl. They took turns holding me down and then took advantage of me. But, I guess you already know this.

I had a panic attack at school today. That new guy Liam touched me. I yelled at him then threw up in the rest room. He’s in most of my classes. I should have avoided the kid, I should be afraid of him. But, I’m not. I’m not sure why. He apologized for touching me and he quickly learned that I’m not going to talk back to him most of the time. He didn’t make fun of me; maybe that’s why I like the lad. Can’t get too attached to him though, I don’t want to get hurt.

I guess all I really want in the world is someone to care about me.

I finished writing and hid my journal. I don’t want anyone to find it because it is meant for my eyes only. I got up and grabbed some pajamas and headed into the restroom. I was right when I looked into the mirror. I had big, purplish bruise forming from where he hit me and the area was a bit swollen.

I shook my head and just jumped into the shower. I could feel the hot water relaxing my tense muscles. I spent most my time in shower dreading how I would have to use cover up to cover up the bruise in the morning. Usually, my dad is smarted about where to hit me, but every once and a while, he gets so drunk that he doesn’t care where he hits, as long as he hits me. So, for that reason, I stole some of my mom’s foundation and I cover up my face, so no one would ask any questions.

When the water started to get cold, I jumped out and threw on my pajamas. I felt my stomach grumble, but I didn’t want to leave my room to get food because he’s still out there and he is way too drunk. Guess I’m going to bed starving another night.

Even though it was only seven and I still haven’t done my homework, I usually get up early to do that anyway when I have any, I crawled into my bed to try to get some sleep, hoping the nightmares wouldn’t be too bad tonight.

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Thank you so much for anybody who is reading this. I know this might sound strange, but I'm having a lot of fun with this, and trust me, it does get better. Sorry if I haven't updated in a while, I have been so busy with cross country and school that I haven't had much free time. But, the season's over, so I should be updating more often! Any way, thanks again for reading and if anyone has any suggestions on how to improve my story or writing technique, they are greatly appreciated.

Love you all!